英語經典笑話12篇

下面是本站小編整理的英語經典笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　英語經典笑話：Cry

"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the Mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."

"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."

"But has he finished his own cake?"

"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."

“湯姆，你弟弟怎麼了?” 媽媽在廚房裏問。“他在哭。”

“沒事兒，媽媽，”湯姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因爲我不給他吃。”

“他已經吃完自己的了麼?”

“是的。”“我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。”

　　英語經典笑話：可憐的男人

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

Bartender: "That should make you happy."

The man: "No, the month is up today!"

一個男人坐在酒吧裏，傷心至極。

酒吧招待：“你怎麼了?跟老婆鬧矛盾了?”

男人：“我們吵了一架，她說一個月都不跟我說話。”

酒吧招待：“那你應該高興纔是啊!”

男人：“不，今天是這個月的最後一天。”

　　英語經典笑話：太黑了，看不見

After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV, "Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not?" After a while, her son returned and said, "Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."

晚飯後，父親和母親都忙着和客人玩麻將，這時母親忽然想起點兒事來，便對正在看電視的兒子說道：“寶貝，去看看廚房裏的燈是不是還開着呢?” 過了一會兒，兒子回來說：“媽，廚房裏太黑了，我根本就看不見。”

　　英語經典笑話：One real man

The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives. He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely(嚴格地，嚴厲地).

Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel(勸告，建議) to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right.

It's good to see, said the king, that we have one real man in the kingdom. Tell these chickenhearted(膽小的) dunces(傻瓜) why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.

Your Majesty, came the reply in a squealing voice, it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.

一個真正的男子漢

古代有一個國王，他想證明他領土內的男人並非像人們傳說的那樣，受到老婆的管制。他把王國裏所有的男人都召到跟前，警告說，哪個男人膽敢不說實話，就會受到嚴厲的懲罰。

然後，他叫所有聽從妻子的命令和意見的男人都走向大廳的左側。所有的男人都站到了左側，只有一個小個子男人站到了右側。

國王說：看到我們國家裏還有一個真正的男子漢，真是令人高興。告訴這些膽小的笨蛋，爲什麼在他們當中只有你一個人站在大廳的右側。

陛下，那人尖聲地回答：因爲在我出門之前，我老婆告訴我不要扎堆。

　　英語經典笑話：萬能的聖誕老人並非啥都知道

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

一個女孩爬到聖誕老人的膝蓋上，聖誕老人例行公事的問：“今年聖誕節你想要什麼呢?”

孩子瞪大眼睛驚訝的望着聖誕老人一分鐘都沒講話，然後喘着氣說到：“你沒收到我的電子郵件嗎?(我想要什麼都寫上面了，萬能的聖誕老人咋能不知道捏)”

　　英語經典笑話：Psychiatrist 精神病醫生

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

傑瑞去看精神病醫生。“醫生，我有些不對勁。每次睡覺的時候，我都感覺有人在牀下。我要瘋了!”“給我一年時間，”醫生說，“每週來三次，我會治好你。”“費用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我會認真考慮的。”傑瑞答道。六個月後醫生和傑瑞在街上相遇了，“爲什麼你再也沒來呢?”醫生問。“一次一百塊錢嗎?有個酒吧服務生收了十塊錢就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎麼做到的?”“他讓我把牀腿鋸掉。現在那沒人了!”

　　英語經典笑話：Compare other things?比一下其他?

Compare other things?比一下其他?

Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.

Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?

Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.

兒子：媽媽，John有雙喬丹簽名的球鞋。

媽媽：你只關心這個嗎?不會比一下其它東西?

兒子：有啊，他媽媽比你漂亮。

　　英語經典笑話：What are the Two Words?

A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?

Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?

一個非常和藹的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。我親愛的，老夫人說，我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞，一個是“討厭的”，另一個是“極好的”。你能答應我嗎?

噢，當然，奶奶。女孩說：是哪兩個詞?

　　英語經典笑話：奇猜異想

Our physics professor was struggling to draw the class into discussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka, eureka!" The instructor asked if anyone knew what that meant.

One student stood up and answered, "I'm naked ! I'm naked!"

我們的物理教授千方百計引導我們討論阿基米德的排水原理。他告訴我們阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡，他進入池子，發現水漲高了，溢出池沿。他對這一發現十分激動，跑到街上高叫：“Eureka，Eureka!”教授問我們誰知道他喊的是什麼意思。

一個學生站起來答道：“我光屁股啦，我光屁股啦!”

　　英語經典笑話：離婚

A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"

the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."

有一個丈夫和妻子都是91歲，他們站在法官面前，要求離婚。“我不明白，”法官說，“你們爲什麼到了這把年紀還要離婚?”

丈夫解釋道：“嗯，你是知道的，我們以前是喲等到孩子們都死了。”

　　英語經典笑話：A Man Who Said No 說不的男子

A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.

Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"

At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"

我的一位朋友看到一個男子在時代廣場的地鐵車站搖搖晃晃地走。那個人穿着時髦，敞着懷，一個手提箱在他的手裏懸吊着，很明顯他是多喝了一杯。

我朋友問他怎麼樣，那男子含糊而肯定地回答說沒問題。然而我朋友就是不能眼看着有人在紐約地鐵獨入是非之地而置之不顧。他跟在那傢伙的後面，又一次問道：“你肯定你沒事?你在找哪個地鐵站?你需要幫忙回家嗎?”

他所注意的對象終於忍耐不住了，對他低聲咆哮道：“你給我走開!我是便衣警察!”

　　英語經典笑話：博士與小廝

A wealthy old lady who lived near t used to send him presents occasionally by her t took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your ， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.

在斯威夫特博士家附近，有一位富有的老婦人，她時常打發僕人給他送禮物。斯威夫特博士接受她的禮物，但從不給小廝任何酬謝。一天，斯威夫特博士正忙着寫東西，小廝衝進了他的房間，把書一扒拉，將一個包裹扔在書桌上，說道：“我的女主人送給你兩隻兔子。” 斯威夫特轉過身來說：“孩子，包裹可不是這樣送法呀。現在，你坐在我的椅子上，看看我是怎麼送的，並要記取這個教訓。” 小廝坐了下來，斯威夫特走出去，敲了敲門，等待迴音。小廝說“進來”。博士進了門，走到桌旁說道：“先生，我的女主人向您致以親切的問候，並希望您收下這些兔子，這是她兒子今天早晨在地裏打的。” 小廝回答說：“謝謝你，我的孩子。向你的女主人和她的兒子致謝，謝謝他們的關心。這兩個先令是送給你本人的。” 博士笑了，打那以後，斯威夫特從沒忘記送小費給小廝。