名著精讀:《悉達多》 沙門(2)

By his side lived Govinda, his shadow, walked the same paths, undertook the same efforts. They rarely spoke to one another, than the service and the exercises required. Occasionally the two of them went through the villages, to beg for food for themselves and their teachers.

"How do you think, Govinda," Siddhartha spoke one day while begging this way, "how do you think did we progress? Did we reach any goals?"

Govinda answered: "We have learned, and we'll continue learning. You'll be a great Samana, Siddhartha. Quickly, you've learned every exercise, often the old Samanas have admired you. One day, you'll be a holy man, oh Siddhartha."

Quoth Siddhartha: "I can't help but feel that it is not like this, my friend. What I've learned, being among the Samanas, up to this day, this, oh Govinda, I could have learned more quickly and by simpler means. In every tavern of that part of a town where the whorehouses are, my friend, among carters and gamblers I could have learned it."

Quoth Govinda: "Siddhartha is putting me on. How could you have learned meditation, holding your breath, insensitivity against hunger and pain there among these wretched people?"

And Siddhartha said quietly, as if he was talking to himself: "What is meditation? What is leaving one's body? What is fasting? What is holding one's breath? It is fleeing from the self, it is a short escape of the agony of being a self, it is a short numbing of the senses against the pain and the pointlessness of life. The same escape, the same short numbing is what the driver of an ox-cart finds in the inn, drinking a few bowls of rice-wine or fermented coconut-milk. Then he won't feel his self any more, then he won't feel the pains of life any more, then he finds a short numbing of the senses. When he falls asleep over his bowl of rice-wine, he'll find the same what Siddhartha and Govinda find when they escape their bodies through long exercises, staying in the non-self. This is how it is, oh Govinda."

Quoth Govinda: "You say so, oh friend, and yet you know that Siddhartha is no driver of an ox-cart and a Samana is no drunkard. It's true that a drinker numbs his senses, it's true that he briefly escapes and rests, but he'll return from the delusion, finds everything to be unchanged, has not become wiser, has gathered no enlightenment,--has not risen several steps."

And Siddhartha spoke with a smile: "I do not know, I've never been a drunkard. But that I, Siddhartha, find only a short numbing of the senses in my exercises and meditations and that I am just as far removed from wisdom, from salvation, as a child in the mother's womb, this I know, oh Govinda, this I know."

And once again, another time, when Siddhartha left the forest together with Govinda, to beg for some food in the village for their brothers and teachers, Siddhartha began to speak and said: "What now, oh Govinda, might we be on the right path? Might we get closer to enlightenment? Might we get closer to salvation? Or do we perhaps live in a circle-- we, who have thought we were escaping the cycle?"

Quoth Govinda: "We have learned a lot, Siddhartha, there is still much to learn. We are not going around in circles, we are moving up, the circle is a spiral, we have already ascended many a level."

Siddhartha answered: "How old, would you think, is our oldest Samana, our venerable teacher?"

Quoth Govinda: "Our oldest one might be about sixty years of age."

And Siddhartha: "He has lived for sixty years and has not reached the nirvana. He'll turn seventy and eighty, and you and me, we will grow just as old and will do our exercises, and will fast, and will meditate. But we will not reach the nirvana, he won't and we won't. Oh Govinda, I believe out of all the Samanas out there, perhaps not a single one, not a single one, will reach the nirvana. We find comfort, we find numbness, we learn feats, to deceive others. But the most important thing, the path of paths, we will not find."

"If you only," spoke Govinda, "wouldn't speak such terrible words, Siddhartha! How could it be that among so many learned men, among so many Brahmans, among so many austere and venerable Samanas, among so many who are searching, so many who are eagerly trying, so many holy men, no one will find the path of paths?"

But Siddhartha said in a voice which contained just as much sadness as mockery, with a quiet, a slightly sad, a slightly mocking voice: "Soon, Govinda, your friend will leave the path of the Samanas, he has walked along your side for so long. I'm suffering of thirst, oh Govinda, and on this long path of a Samana, my thirst has remained as strong as ever. I always thirsted for knowledge, I have always been full of questions. I have asked the Brahmans, year after year, and I have asked the holy Vedas, year after year, and I have asked the devote Samanas, year after year. Perhaps, oh Govinda, it had been just as well, had been just as smart and just as profitable, if I had asked the hornbill-bird or the chimpanzee. It took me a long time and am not finished learning this yet, oh Govinda: that there is nothing to be learned! There is indeed no such thing, so I believe, as what we refer to as `learning'. There is, oh my friend, just one knowledge, this is everywhere, this is Atman, this is within me and within you and within every creature. And so I'm starting to believe that this knowledge has no worser enemy than the desire to know it, than learning."

At this, Govinda stopped on the path, rose his hands, and spoke: "If you, Siddhartha, only would not bother your friend with this kind of talk! Truly, you words stir up fear in my heart. And just consider: what would become of the sanctity of prayer, what of the venerability of the Brahmans' caste, what of the holiness of the Samanas, if it was as you say, if there was no learning?! What, oh Siddhartha, what would then become of all of this what is holy, what is precious, what is venerable on earth?!"

戈文達在他身邊生活，是他的影子，跟他走同樣的路，受同樣的磨難。他們互相很少講話，只講工作和修行所需的話。有時，他們兩個人一起穿村過街，去爲自己和老師化緣。

“你怎麼想，戈文達?”席特哈爾塔在一次化緣途中問道，“你怎麼想，咱們是繼續前進嗎?咱們達到目標了嗎?”

戈文達回答:“咱們已經學會了，而且還要繼續學下去。你會成爲一個偉大的沙門，席特哈爾塔。每一種功夫你都學得很快，那些老沙門經常讚揚你。你總有一天會成爲聖人，席特哈爾塔。”

席特哈爾塔說:“我可不這麼看，朋友。迄今爲止我向沙門到的東西，戈文達，其實可以更快更直截了當地學到。在妓院區的小酒館裏，朋友，在馬車伕和賭徒中間，我其實也可以學到。”

戈文達說:“席特哈爾塔，你大概是在跟我開玩笑吧。在那些可憐蟲那兒，你怎麼能學會沉思潛修，怎麼能學會屏息斂氣，怎麼能學會忍耐飢餓和痛苦呢?”

席特哈爾塔輕聲回答，就好像在自言自語:“什麼是沉思潛修？什麼是脫離軀體?什麼是齋戒?什麼是屏息斂氣?那都是逃離自我，是從自我的痛苦中短暫的掙脫，是對抗生活的痛苦和荒謬的短暫麻醉。這種逃脫，這種短暫麻醉，即使趕車人在小客棧裏也可以找到，只要他喝上幾杯米酒或發過酵的椰子汁就行。然後，他就不再感覺到自我，不再感覺到生活的痛苦，得到了短暫的麻醉。他喝了米酒後迷迷糊糊地入睡，找到的正是席特哈爾塔和戈文達找到的感覺，而咱們卻得經過長期間的苦修後才能擺脫自己的軀殼，在非我之中停留。就是這麼回事，戈文達。”

戈文達說:“你怎麼這樣說，朋友，你畢竟知道，席特哈爾塔不是趕牛人，而是一個沙門也不是酒鬼。酒鬼可以得到麻醉，得到短暫的逃避與休息，但是當他從幻覺中醒來時，就會發現一切仍是老樣子，他並沒有變得更聰明些，並沒有積累什麼知識，並沒有登上更高的臺階。”

席特哈爾塔含笑說道:“我不知道這些，我從來沒做過醉鬼。但是我，席特哈爾塔，在我的苦行與潛修中只是得到了短暫的麻醉，而距離智慧，距離獲救卻依然像我是母體中的胎兒時那麼遙遠，這點我知道，戈文達，這點我清楚。”

後來又有一次，席特哈爾塔與戈文達一起離開了森林，到村子裏去爲他們的弟兄和老師化緣。席特哈爾塔開口說道:“現在怎麼樣，戈文達，咱們大概走對了路了吧?咱們已經接近知識了吧?咱們已經接近獲救了吧?抑或咱們只不過是在兜圈子——卻自以爲是逃脫了這種輪迴?”

戈文達說:“咱們學到了很多東西，席特哈爾塔，可是也還有很多東西要再去學。咱們不是在原地兜圈子，而是往上走，這圓圈是個螺旋。咱們已經上了好幾級臺階。”

席特哈爾塔說道:“你講講看，咱們那位老沙門，那個可敬的老師，大約多少歲了?”

戈文達說:“大概六十歲了吧。”

席特哈爾塔說:“他已經六十歲了，卻還沒有達到涅PAN。他可能會活到七十歲和八十歲，而你和我，咱們也同樣會變老。咱們不停地苦練、齋戒和沉思潛修。可是，咱們都不會達到涅PAN，他不行，咱們也不行。哦，戈文達，我相信，在所有的沙門中大概沒一個能達到涅PAN。咱們得到了安慰，得到了麻醉，學會了種種自我迷惑的技巧。但重要的是咱們沒找到那條路中之路。”

戈文達說:“但願你別說這麼聳人聽聞的話，席特哈爾塔!在這麼多有學問的人當中，在這麼多婆羅門當中，在這麼多嚴肅和可敬的沙門當中，在這麼多孜孜不倦、熱心勤奮、高尚聖潔的人當中，怎麼就沒一個能找到那條路中之路呢?”

但是，席特哈爾塔卻用一種既傷心又嘲諷的聲音，用一種輕輕的、有些傷心又有些嘲諷的聲音說道:“戈文達，你的朋友不久就要離開這條跟 你一起走了這麼久的沙門之路了。我很乾渴，戈文達，在這條漫長的沙門之路上，我的乾渴絲毫也沒能緩解。我一直在渴求知識，我一直充滿了疑問。年復一年，我請教了婆羅門，年復一年，我請教了神聖的《吠陀》。啊，戈文達，或許我去向犀鳥或黑猩猩求教，也會同樣有益，同樣聰明，同樣見效。啊，戈文達，我花費了很長的時間，現在仍沒有結束，結果是弄明白了這點:並沒有什麼東西可學!因此我相信，實際上並沒有那種咱們稱之爲‘學習’的東西。哦，朋友，只有一種知識是普通存在的，那就是阿特曼，它在我身上，也在你身上，它在每個人身上。於是，我開始相信:這種知識的死敵正是求知的慾望，是學習。”

戈文達在路上停下了，舉起雙手來說:“席特哈爾塔，你可千萬別用這種話來嚇你的朋友!真的，你的話在我心裏引起了恐懼。你想想，假如真像你說的那樣，沒有了學習，那麼，哪裏還有祈禱的神聖，哪裏還有婆羅門種姓的尊嚴，哪裏還有沙門的神聖呢?!啊!席特哈爾塔，那麼，世上一切神聖、寶貴和可敬的東西將會變成什麼樣子呢?!”