名著精讀:《悉達多》 戈文達(4)

"I know it," said Siddhartha; his smile shone golden. "I know it, Govinda. And behold, with this we are right in the middle of the thicket of opinions, in the dispute about words. For I cannot deny, my words of love are in a contradiction, a seeming contradiction with Gotama's words. For this very reason, I distrust in words so much, for I know, this contradiction is a deception. I know that I am in agreement with Gotama. How should he not know love, he, who has discovered all elements of human existence in their transitoriness, in their meaninglessness, and yet loved people thus much, to use a long, laborious life only to help them, to teach them! Even with him, even with your great teacher, I prefer the thing over the words, place more importance on his acts and life than on his speeches, more on the gestures of his hand than his opinions. Not in his speech, not in his thoughts, I see his greatness, only in his actions, in his life."
For a long time, the two old men said nothing. Then spoke Govinda, while bowing for a farewell: "I thank you, Siddhartha, for telling me some of your thoughts. They are partially strange thoughts, not all have been instantly understandable to me. This being as it may, I thank you, and I wish you to have calm days."
(But secretly he thought to himself: This Siddhartha is a bizarre person, he expresses bizarre thoughts, his teachings sound foolish. So differently sound the exalted one's pure teachings, clearer, purer, more comprehensible, nothing strange, foolish, or silly is contained in them. But different from his thoughts seemed to me Siddhartha's hands and feet, his eyes, his forehead, his breath, his smile, his greeting, his walk. Never again, after our exalted Gotama has become one with the Nirvana, never since then have I met a person of whom I felt: this is a holy man! Only him, this Siddhartha, I have found to be like this. May his teachings be strange, may his words sound foolish; out of his gaze and his hand, his skin and his hair, out of every part of him shines a purity, shines a calmness, shines a cheerfulness and mildness and holiness, which I have seen in no other person since the final death of our exalted teacher.)
As Govinda thought like this, and there was a conflict in his heart, he once again bowed to Siddhartha, drawn by love. Deeply he bowed to him who was calmly sitting.
"Siddhartha," he spoke, "we have become old men. It is unlikely for one of us to see the other again in this incarnation. I see, beloved, that you have found peace. I confess that I haven't found it. Tell me, oh honourable one, one more word, give me something on my way which I can grasp, which I can understand! Give me something to be with me on my path. It it often hard, my path, often dark, Siddhartha."
Siddhartha said nothing and looked at him with the ever unchanged, quiet smile. Govinda stared at his face, with fear, with yearning, suffering, and the eternal search was visible in his look, eternal not-finding.
Siddhartha saw it and smiled.
"Bent down to me!" he whispered quietly in Govinda's ear. "Bend down to me! Like this, even closer! Very close! Kiss my forehead, Govinda!"

“我知道，”席特哈爾塔說，他的笑容閃現出金光。“我知道，戈文達。你瞧，咱們現在又陷入意見分歧，陷入言詞之爭了。我不能否論，我這些關於愛的言論與戈塔馬的話有矛盾，有顯然的矛盾。正因爲如此，我才十分懷疑言詞，因爲我知道這種矛盾是錯覺。我知道，我和戈塔馬是一致的。怎麼會連他也不瞭解愛呢？他熟知一切人性的暫時性和虛無性，卻依然這樣熱愛人們，讓漫長而艱難的一生完全致力於幫助他們，教導他們！在他身上，在你這位偉大的導師身上，我覺得也是事物勝於言詞，他的行動和生活比他的言論更重要，他的手勢比他的見解更重要。我認爲他的偉大不在於言論，不在於思想，而在於行動，在於生活之中。”
兩個老人沉默了很久。後來，戈文達鞠躬道別，說：“我感謝你，席特哈爾塔，感謝你給我講了你的想法。它們有些是很奇特的想法，我一下子沒全聽懂。別管它了，我感謝你，祝你生活平安！”
（但他暗地裏心想：這個席特哈爾塔越位是個怪人，說的全是古怪的想法，他的學問說起來真怪僻。而活佛的精闢學說聽着就不同，更明白、更純正、更好懂，不含奇怪的、荒唐的或者可笑的東西。不過我覺得席特哈爾塔的手腳跟他的思想不同，還有他的眼睛、他的前額、他的呼喚、他的微笑、他的問候以及他的步態也不同。自從我們的活佛戈塔馬涅槃之後，我再也沒見過一個堪稱是聖賢的人！只有他，這個席特哈爾塔，我覺得是如此。儘管他的學說很怪，他的話聽着很荒唐，可是他的目光和他的手，他的皮膚和他的頭髮，以及他身上的一切，都閃耀着一種平靜，閃耀着一種開朗、和善與聖潔，自從我們的活佛涅槃以後，這是我在別人身上從沒見過的。）
戈文達這麼想着，心裏很矛盾。他出於愛慕，再一次向席特哈爾塔鞠躬，向這個平靜端坐的人深深鞠了一躬。
“席特哈爾塔，”他說，“咱們都已經是老人，恐怕誰都很難再見到對方這個樣子了。親愛的，我發現你已經得到了安寧。我承認自己沒能找到。可敬的人呀，請再跟我說幾句，送我幾句我能掌握和理解的話吧！送我幾句話上路吧。我的路常常很艱難，常常很昏暗呢，席特哈爾塔。”
席特哈爾塔默然無語，以總是同樣平靜的笑容望着他。戈文達呆呆地盯着他的臉，心懷恐懼和渴望，從戈文達的目光裏流露出痛苦和永恆的探索，永遠的無所收穫。
席特哈爾塔看出了這一點，微微一笑。
“你彎下腰！”他輕聲向戈文達耳語，“朝我彎下腰！這樣，再近些，湊近嘛！親吻我的額頭，戈文達！”