名著精讀:《悉達多》 輪迴(2)

Siddhartha had learned to trade, to use his power over people, to enjoy himself with a woman, he had learned to wear beautiful clothes, to give orders to servants, to bathe in perfumed waters. He had learned to eat tenderly and carefully prepared food, even fish, even meat and poultry, spices and sweets, and to drink wine, which causes sloth and forgetfulness. He had learned to play with dice and on a chess-board, to watch dancing girls, to have himself carried about in a sedan-chair, to sleep on a soft bed.

But still he had felt different from and superior to the others; always he had watched them with some mockery, some mocking disdain, with the same disdain which a Samana constantly feels for the people of the world. When Kamaswami was ailing, when he was annoyed, when he felt insulted, when he was vexed by his worries as a merchant, Siddhartha had always watched it with mockery. Just slowly and imperceptibly, as the harvest seasons and rainy seasons passed by, his mockery had become more tired, his superiority had become more quiet. Just slowly, among his growing riches, Siddhartha had assumed something of the childlike people's ways for himself, something of their childlikeness and of their fearfulness.

And yet, he envied them, envied them just the more, the more similar he became to them. He envied them for the one thing that was missing from him and that they had, the importance they were able to attach to their lives, the amount of passion in their joys and fears, the fearful but sweet happiness of being constantly in love. These people were all of the time in love with themselves, with women, with their children, with honours or money, with plans or hopes. But he did not learn this from them, this out of all things, this joy of a child and this foolishness of a child; he learned from them out of all things the unpleasant ones, which he himself despised. It happened more and more often that, in the morning after having had company the night before, he stayed in bed for a long time, felt unable to think and tired. It happened that he became angry and impatient, when Kamaswami bored him with his worries. It happened that he laughed just too loud, when he lost a game of dice.

His face was still smarter and more spiritual than others, but it rarely laughed, and assumed, one after another, those features which are so often found in the faces of rich people, those features of discontent, of sickliness, of ill-humour, of sloth, of a lack of love. Slowly the disease of the soul, which rich people have, grabbed hold of a veil, like a thin mist, tiredness came over.

席特哈爾塔學會了做生意，學會了對人們行使權力，學會了與女人尋歡作樂。他學會了穿華衣美服，使喚奴僕，在香氣襲人的水裏洗澡。他學會了享用精心烹調的飯菜，烹用雞鴨魚肉、調味品和甜點、飲用使人懶散、健忘的酒。他學會了擲骰子、下棋、看舞蹈、坐轎子和睡軟牀。

但是，他仍然和別人不一樣，他感到自己比他們優越，看他們時總是略帶嘲諷，略帶揶揄的輕蔑，這正是沙門對俗人始終懷有的那種輕蔑。每當卡馬斯瓦密身體不舒服，生氣發怒，感到受了侮辱，受商人的種種煩惱困擾時，席特哈爾塔總是懷着嘲諷袖手旁觀。不過，隨着收穫季節和雨季過去，他的嘲諷慢慢地不知不覺地減弱了，他的優越感也有所收斂。隨着他的財富日益增長，席特哈爾塔本人也染上了那種孩子般俗人的一些特點，染上了他們的孩子氣和謹小慎微。

而且，他羨慕他們，他跟他們越相像，就越羨慕他們。而他羨慕的正是他自己缺乏而他們卻擁有的東西，那就是他們能使他們的生活顯得十分重要，他們對歡樂與恐怕的激情，以及他們演變的不安而又甜蜜的幸福。這些人不斷地迷戀自己，迷戀女人，迷戀他們的孩子，迷戀名或利，迷戀種種計劃或希望。但是有一佔他不是向他們學到的，那就是孩子般的快樂和孩子般的愚蠢；他向他們學到的恰恰是他自己很瞧不起的討厭東西。於是，越來越多地出現這樣的情況：他在參加了一個歡樂的晚會之後早上遲遲不起牀，感到昏頭昏腦和十分睏乏。當卡馬斯瓦密訴說自己的煩惱而使他感到無聊時，他往往生氣發怒和煩躁不安。

他擲骰子賭輸了錢，就十分過分地放聲大笑。他的臉仍然比別聰明和精神，但是他笑得少了，接連出現那些只是在有錢人臉上常見的特點，那種不知足、病態、厭煩、懶散和冷酷無情的特點。有錢人的心理疾患慢慢地俘虜了他。