名著精讀:《悉達多》 輪迴(6)

Starting up from this dream, he felt encompassed by a deep sadness. Worthless, so it seemed to him, worthless and pointless was the way he had been going through life; nothing which was alive, nothing which was in some way delicious or worth keeping he had left in his hands. Alone he stood there and empty like a castaway on the shore.
With a gloomy mind, Siddhartha went to the pleasure-garden he owned, locked the gate, sat down under a mango-tree, felt death in his heart and horror in his chest, sat and sensed how everything died in him, withered in him, came to an end in him. By and by, he gathered his thoughts, and in his mind, he once again went the entire path of his life, starting with the first days he could remember. When was there ever a time when he had experienced happiness, felt a true bliss? Oh yes, several times he had experienced such a thing. In his years as a boy, he has had a taste of it, when he had obtained praise from the Brahmans, he had felt it in his heart: "There is a path in front of the one who has distinguished himself in the recitation of the holy verses, in the dispute with the learned ones, as an assistant in the offerings." Then, he had felt it in his heart: "There is a path in front of you, you are destined for, the gods are awaiting you." And again, as a young man, when the ever rising, upward fleeing, goalof all thinking had ripped him out of and up from the multitude of those seeking the same goal, when he wrestled in pain for the purpose of Brahman, when every obtained knowledge only kindled new thirst in him, then again he had, in the midst of the thirst, in the midst of the pain felt this very same thing: "Go on! Go on! You are called upon!" He had heard this voice when he had left his home and had chosen the life of a Samana, and again when he had gone away from the Samanas to that perfected one, and also when he had gone away from him to the uncertain. For how long had he not heard this voice any more, for how long had he reached no height any more, how even and dull was the manner in which his path had passed through life, for many long years, without a high goal, without thirst, without elevation, content with small lustful pleasures and yet never satisfied! For all of these many years, without knowing it himself, he had tried hard and longed to become a man like those many, like those children, and inall this, his life had been much more miserable and poorer than theirs, and their goals were not his, nor their worries; after all, that entire world of the Kamaswami-people had only been a game to him, a dance he would watch, a comedy. Only Kamala had been dear, had been valuable to him--but was she still thus? Did he still need her, or she him? Did they not play a game without an ending? Was it necessary to live for this? No, it was not necessary! The name of this game was Sansara, a game for children, a game which was perhaps enjoyable to play once, twice, ten times--but for ever and ever over again?
Then, Siddhartha knew that the game was over, that he could not play it any more. Shivers ran over his body, inside of him, so he felt, something had died.

從這個夢中驚醒後，他感到自己被深沉的悲哀包圍着。毫無價值，他覺得自己過的生活真是既無價值又無意義，並沒有留下什麼生動的東西，也沒有留下珍貴的或者值得保存的東西。他孑然孤立，空落落的，就像岸邊的一隻破船。
席特哈爾塔陰鬱地走進了一個屬於他自己的花園，鎖好小門，坐到一棵芒果樹下，感受到心中的死亡和胸中的恐懼。他坐在那兒感受到了自己心中如何在衰亡，如何在枯萎，如何在完結。他漸漸地集中了心思，在腦子裏再一次回顧了他這輩子走過的路，從他能夠想起的最早的日子開始。他什麼時候曾體驗到一種幸福，感受到一種真正的狂喜呢？噢，對，他也有過好幾次這樣的經歷。在少年時代他就品味過這種歡樂，當他受到婆羅門誇獎時，當他遠遠超過同齡人，在背誦詩書、與學才辯論以及當祭祀助手都表現得出類拔萃時。那時他心裏就感覺到：“一條路擺在你面前，你的使命就是走這條路，神靈在等着你。”到了青年時代，思索的目標不斷向上，這使得他從一大羣有同樣追求的人當中脫穎而出。他在痛苦中思索婆羅門的真諦，每次得到的真知都只是在他心裏激起新的渴求，而在渴求當中，在痛苦當中，他又總是聽到這個聲音：“繼續！向前！這就是對你的召喚！！當他離開故鄉，選擇沙門生活時聽見了這聲音；當他離開沙門，投奔那位活佛時聽見了這聲音；當他離開活佛，走進昏沌之中時還是聽到了這聲音。他已有多久沒聽見這聲音了？他已有多久沒有再攀上高峯了？他走過的路是多麼平坦和荒涼！好多個漫長的年頭，沒有崇高的目標，沒有渴求，沒有提高，滿足於小小的歡娛，卻又從來沒有知足過！這些年，他一直努力和渴望成爲一個跟許多人同樣的人，跟那些孩子同樣的人，可是他自己卻不知道，他的生活比他們遠爲不幸和可憐，因爲他們的目標跟也不同，他們的憂慮也跟他不同。像卡馬斯瓦密這類人的整個世界對於他只是一場遊戲，一場供人觀賞的舞蹈，一場悲劇。只有卡瑪拉是他真心喜愛的，是他珍惜的——但她還是那樣嗎？他還需要她呈，還是她需要他？他們不也是在玩一場沒完沒了的遊戲？爲這個而活着可有必要？不，沒有必要！這遊戲叫輪迴，是一種兒童玩的遊戲，玩起來也許很有趣，一遍，兩遍，十遍——可是，就永遠這樣玩下去麼？
這時席特哈爾塔已明白，這遊戲已玩到了頭，他不能再玩下去了。一陣寒戰傳遍他全身，他感覺到，內心深處有什麼死去了。