三十而立太晚了：爲什麼說二十幾歲纔是人生的關鍵

The best and worst part about being a twenty-something is that every decision you make can change the rest of your life. Once you're in your 30's or 40's, it gets harder and harder to reinvent yourself. In this Q&A with Dr. Meg Jay, the clinical psychologist explains why the twenties matter, and how to make the most of them.
二十幾歲最大的優點（同時也是缺點）之處在於：任何一個決定都會改變你的一生。當你步入30、40歲，改造自己將變得越來越困難。在視頻分享網站《大思想）這篇和Meg Jay博士的訪談中，這位臨牀心理學家將向我們解釋爲什麼20歲是人生的關鍵，以及，我們將應該怎樣充分利用這段歲月。

Big Think: Why are the 20s so important?
Big Think（以下簡稱BT）：爲什麼說20多歲是人生的關鍵？

Dr. Meg Jay: Our 20s are the defining decade of adulthood. 80% of life's most defining moments take place by about age 35. 2/3 of lifetime wage growth happens during the first ten years of a career. More than half of Americans are married or are dating or living with their future partner by age 30. Personality can change more during our 20s than at any other decade in life. Female fertility peaks at 28. The brain caps off its last major growth spurt. When it comes to adult development, 30 is not the new 20. Even if you do nothing, not making choices is a choice all the same. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do.
Meg Jay醫生（以下簡稱MJ）：20多歲是決定成人軌跡的時刻。80%人生中最有決定性的時刻都會在35歲前出現。三分之二的加薪出現在職業生涯的頭十年。到了30歲，大於一半的美國人都已結婚、或約會、或正在和未來的婚姻對象同居。你的性格在20多歲時會比人生中任意十年中都要改變得更多。女性的生殖力在28歲達到巔峯。大腦功能會在此時達到最後的衝刺。至於成年的發展，30歲遠遠比不上20出頭的毛頭小子。即使你呆着什麼也不做，“不做任何選擇”其實也是種選擇。別因爲年輕時你的無知和懶惰而葬送一生。

BT: You write about several cases of recent grads who feel they're drowning or floundering around in the world waiting for something to happen. Has it always been this hard to thrive in early adulthood?
BT：你曾提到過幾個例子，關於剛畢業的學生們感到自己在世上被淹沒、被放任自流，被動地等待着好事發生。在成年初期的成長，一直都那麼難嗎？

MJ: No. There are 50 million 20somethings in the United States most of whom are living with a staggering, unprecedented amount of uncertainty. Many no idea what they will be doing, where they will be living, or who they will be with in 2 or 10 years. They don't know when they'll be happy or when they will be able to pay their bills. They wonder if they should be photographers or lawyers or event planners. They don't know whether they are a few dates or many years from a meaningful relationship. They worry about whether they will have families or whether their marriages will last. Most simply, they don't know whether their lives will work out and they don't know what to do. Uncertainty makes people anxious and distraction is the 21st-Century opiate of the masses. So too many 20somethings are tempted, and even encouraged, to just turn away and hope for the best. That's not the way to go.
MJ：不是的。美國有5千萬20歲出頭的年輕人，他們中的絕大部分正過着迷茫的生活，充滿空前的不確定性。很多人不知道自己將要做些什麼，會在哪裏定居，也不知道2到10年後會和誰共同生活。他們不知道自己能否過上幸福生活、也不知道未來的自己付不付得起賬單。他們爲自己該當一個攝影師、律師亦或是規劃師而舉棋不定。他們也不知道到底何時才能進入穩定的婚姻生活。他們擔心自己是否會孑然一身、或婚姻是否能天長地久。簡單地說，他們既懷疑人生又茫然不知所措。不確定性讓人們變得焦慮且注意力分散，這是二十一世紀的羣體鴉片。於是，許多二十出頭的年輕人被它所迷惑甚至蠱惑着去逃避現實，順其自然。但這可不是個好辦法。

BT: One of the main themes in the book is the line between thinking and doing. You argue that it's more important to just do something than to waste years dreaming up the perfect path. How can 20-somethings to put this idea into action?
BT：書中的主題之一是“想法和行動之間的界限”。您談到“與其浪費生命在做白日夢上，不如直接去做點兒什麼”。20多歲的青年們怎麼才能做到這點？

MJ: One of my favorite quotes is by American Psychologist Sheldon Kopp: "The unlived life isn't worth examining." Too many 20somethings have been led to believe that their 20s are for thinking about what they want to do and their 30s are for getting going on real life. But there is a big difference between having a life in your 30s and starting a life in your 30s. If you want to be more intentional at work and in love, try working in a field you're curious about. Try dating someone who is different from that last person who turned out to be a disaster, and try conducting yourself a bit differently while you're at it. Sure the 20s are for experimenting, but not just with philosophies and vacations and substances. The 20s are your best chance to experiment with jobs and relationships. Then each move can be more intentional and more informed than the last.
MJ：我很喜歡美國心理學家Sheldon Kopp的一句話：“平淡的人生不值得審視”。有太多年輕人被誤導着去相信：“20歲是用來思考自己想幹嘛的，而30歲纔是真正步入生活的時候”。如果你想更積極地去工作，去愛，選擇一個你感興趣的領域，然後開始工作吧。試着和上一個給你帶來慘痛回憶截然不同的對象約會，並時刻提醒自己要開始轉變。誠然，20多歲正是體驗的時候，但光憑哲思般的空想、度假和物質滿足可不行。20多歲是體驗不同工作和感情生活的最好時機。你所做的每一步，都應該比上一次更具目的性、更富遠見。BT: How do you suggest they track their progress toward their future goals? Are milestones like 21 and 30 important?
BT：您是如何建議他們朝着未來目標不斷進步的？21和30歲這樣的里程碑時刻是不是特別重要？

MJ: Absolutely. Milestones--21, 25, 30, New Year's, birthdays, reunions--are important because they trigger self-reflection. Am I where I wanted to be by this age? Did I do what I said I would do this year? If not, why not. And if not now, when? A savvy 20something who interviewed me recently told me about a question she was advised to ask herself as she moved through adulthood: "If you keep living your life exactly as it is, where will you be in 3 years?" If you don't like the answer, now is the time to change course.
MJ：沒錯。21歲、25歲、30歲、新年、生日、團聚日——這些都是里程碑時刻，因爲它們能促人反思。到了這個年紀，我有沒有處在自己想處的位置？我年初的計劃完成了沒？如果沒完成，原因又是什麼？如果現在不完成，那麼什麼時候可以完成？最近有個很有悟性的、20出頭的女孩採訪我，她告訴我，有人建議她在這幾年中反覆捫心自問：“如果你保持着今天的生活狀態，3年後的你會是什麼樣子？” 如果得到的答案並不是你所喜歡的，那麼現在就是洗心革面的時候。

One way to keep yourself honest about the future is by making a timeline. At what age would I like to be out of this dead-end job? By when do I hope to be married? How old do I want to be when I try for my first child? It may not be cool to have a timeline, or to admit to having a timeline, but you don't have to etch it in stone. It's just a way of thinking about how your life might, or might not, be adding up.
讓自己誠實面對未來的方法之一是制定一個時間表。什麼時候我才能跳出這份沒前途的工作？我打算什麼時候結婚？我打算幾歲時要第一個孩子？雖然定計劃這事兒聽上去不是很酷，但是，你又沒必要把它刻在石頭上啊。這不過是種幫助你計劃未來人生的方式。

BT: About 25% of recent grads are unemployed, and 25% are underemployed. What is your advice for those who simply can't find a job?
BT：應屆畢業生有25%找不到工作，還有25%的人做着大材小用的工作。你對於那些找不到工作的人有什麼建議？

MJ: Yes, half of 20somethings are un- or underemployed. But half aren't, so my first piece of advice is to figure out how to get yourself into that group. Most often, the way to do this is through what is called "the strength of weak ties." The strength of weak ties is from sociologist Mark Granovetter's work on social networks. What he found was that new information and opportunities usually come from outside of our inner circle. That foot-in-the-door at the company where you want to work isn't going to come from your best friends--your strong ties--or you would already be working there. That job lead is going to come from weak ties, or from people you hardly know. Email your aunt's neighbor or that old professor or your roommate's friend from college.
MJ：沒錯，大約一半的20出頭年輕人不是找不到工作，就是找不到稱心如意的。但也有一半的人找到了。所以，我第一個建議是：想想自己怎麼能從這一半跳到那一半的梯隊中。通常來講，要實現這一點，“弱關係的力量”很重要。所謂的“弱關係”是社會學家Mark Granovetter在研究社交網絡時提出來的。他發現最新的信息和機會往往來自那些你最親密人以外的圈子裏。假如你想去某家公司工作，這個職業機會絕對不會來自你的摯友（即強關係），否則你早就進去工作了不是麼。這個工作機會很可能來自弱關係，或者來自那些你幾乎不認識的人。所以，給你大姨的鄰居、學校裏的老教授、或是大學室友的朋友發個郵件吧，說不定你就得到這份工作了。

That's how people are getting jobs--especially good jobs--even in a tough economy. Most 20somethings hate the idea of asking outsiders for favors, but those who won't do this fall behind those who will. 20somethings who sit on the sidelines because of a bad economy will never catch up with those who figured out how to get in the game.
工作就要這樣去找，尤其是好工作。即使在經濟不景氣的情況下，也能找得到。很多20出頭的年輕人不喜歡向不熟的人求助，於是他們便被那些願意求助的同齡人甩在了後面，因爲坐以待斃是永遠也追不上積極進取的腳步的。

For those 20somethings who already have jobs but who are underemployed, it is crucial to remember that not all underemployment is the same. Be sure you have a job that is allowing you to earn some form of identity capital. Maybe you have a low-rung job at a hot company that adds value to your resume. Whatever you're doing should make the next thing you'd like to try seem more possible.
對於那些雖然找到了工作，但並不滿意的年輕人，你們需要記住一點，那就是並非所有的不充分就業都是一樣的。要確保你自己在乾的是一份能爲你掙得身份資本的工作。比如，你在一家炙手可熱的公司雖然做着打雜的活兒，但它能給你簡歷添金。所以，你現在做的任何一件事，都應該是在爲你的夢想鋪路。

BT: How can 20somethings reclaim their status as adults given all the cultural trends working against them?
BT：如何讓20多歲的年輕人在文化趨勢相悖的情況下，重新塑造他們的成年人身份形象呢？

MJ: Don't let culture trivialize your life and work and relationships. Don't hang out only with people who are drinking the 30-is-the-new-20 kool-aid. I cannot tell you how many emails I have received from 30somethings since The Defining Decade came out, ones in which the writer says something like, "I used to roll my eyes at my peers who were determined to meet benchmarks--graduate school, real relationships, decent-paying jobs that reflect their interests--on time or early. Now I'm envious and admiring of them. Now I'm working twice as hard for half the result." Don't shrug your shoulders and say, "I'm in my 20s. What I'm doing doesn't count." Recognize that what you do, and what you don't do, will have an enormous impact across years and even generations. You're deciding your life right now.
MJ：別讓這些文化趨勢把你的生活、工作和情感變得無聊瑣碎。不和那些鼓吹“在新世紀30歲就等於從前的20歲”這類言論的人交朋友。當《決定性的十年》一書出版後，我收到過無數封來自30歲人的email，其中一封信中說道：“以前，我總是對那些努力完成計劃的人翻白眼。他們有的在準備讀研、有的準備結婚、有的想找自己感興趣同時又體面的工作……最終都及時甚至是超前地完成了他們的目標。而如今的我又嫉妒又佩服他們，只能用兩倍的努力，卻只能換來他們已擁有東西的一半。” 千萬別聳聳肩無所謂灑脫地說：“我才20出頭，做什麼都是徒勞。” 區分什麼該做、什麼不該做能對你的人生、甚至你後代的人生產生巨大的影響。你的人生，要由你自己決定。BT: As a clinical psychologist, what advice do you have for coping with emotions like anxiety which inevitably arise during times of economic uncertainty?
BT：作爲一名臨牀心理學家，您對於處在當下經濟形勢不穩定的時刻，那些內心焦慮的年輕人有什麼建議？

MJ: Given that life and the brain change so much across our 20s, this is the perfect time to learn new coping strategies. It's not okay to go to work with scars on your arms from cutting, it's not acceptable to scream at friends when things go wrong, and live-in girlfriends get tired of seeing us stoned every night. These are the years to learn to calm yourself down. Gain some control over your emotions. Sure, there's Xanax, which a recent conference presenter I heard only half-jokingly called "Jack Daniels in a Pill." But practice calming techniques that can work over the long run: exercise, therapy, mindfulness, yoga, cognitive meditation, deep breathing, healthy distraction, dialectical behavior therapy. Use your rational mind to counter the anxious and catastrophic thoughts you have: "I probably won't be fired because I dropped one phone call." Try to create your own certainty by making healthy choices and commitments that off-set the upheaval in the world around.
MJ：人們的生活和想法從20歲開始會有很大的轉變，所以這正是最佳的學習應對困難的時刻。你要懂得，帶着紋身去上班是不對的，出現問題時對朋友大喊大叫是不可取的，同樣，也不要每天喝得酩酊大醉地回家——你的同居女友早就受夠了。要學會冷靜，學會控制情緒。雖然現在好像有種被戲稱爲“威士忌做成的鎮定劑”存在，叫Xanax，不過真正的長期情緒控制還得靠自己。你可以嘗試運動、治療、專注訓練、瑜伽、認知冥想、深呼吸、健康的分心、辨證行爲療法等。用理智來戰勝焦慮和不安的想法，比如：“我只是漏接了一個電話，並不會因此被炒魷魚的。” 在世界環境變化莫測的情況下，你要通過做出正確、有益的選擇，來給自己提供穩定。

BT: We loved this quote: "Claiming a career and getting a good job isn't the end, it's the beginning." Can you explain this a bit?
BT：我們很喜歡這句話：“擁有一項事業和開始一份好工作並不是結束，而只是開始。”您可以解釋一下這句話嗎？

MJ: Most 20somethings are terrified of being pinned down. They're afraid that if they choose a career or a job, they are closing off their other options and somehow their freedom will be gone and their lives will be over. In fact, getting a good job is the beginning. It's the beginning of not hating that question, "What do you do?" It's the beginning of having something on your resume that might help you get that next job you want even more. It's the beginning of not overdrawing your bank account because of a flat tire. It's the beginning of feeling like you could actually think about dating since your time isn't taken up working those three part-time jobs you have in order to avoid a "real job." Research shows that getting going in the work world is the beginning of feeling happier, more confident, competent, and emotionally stable in adulthood.
MJ：很多20出頭的年輕人特別害怕穩定下來。他們覺得，如果我選擇了一項事業、一份工作，那麼未來其他的可能性都被抹殺了、自由被剝奪、人生因此就這麼完了。事實上，找到一份好工作僅僅是開始罷了。它能讓你在被別人問到：“你是做什麼工作的？”時候不再覺得心虛、不爽。它能爲你的簡歷添上一筆，併爲你得到下一份更滿意的工作提供實質性的幫助。它幫你支付換輪胎的賬單，同時保證你不會因此而破產。它將你從沒工作時的三份兼職中解救出來，給你閒暇時間，從而提供能外出約會的可能性。研究顯示，有了真正工作的人更快樂，更自信，更能幹、情緒也更穩定。

BT: Can you discuss some of the current neurobiological research, and how that impacted your writing?
BT：能給我們解釋下最近相關的神經生物學研究嗎？以及，它們對你寫的書產生了什麼影響？

MJ: By now probably everyone has heard that the teen brain is not fully developed and that the frontal lobe--the part of the brain where we plan for the future and tackle questions that don't have black-and-white answers--does not reach full "maturity" until sometime during our 20s.
MJ：目前可能大家都知道這個事實——青少年的大腦並未發育完全，額葉（那個我們用來規劃生活、解決問題、以及應對一些懸而未決的事情的部分）還沒有完全成熟。到了20多歲才能真正算“發育成熟”。

Unfortunately, this fact about the late-maturing frontal lobe has been interpreted as a directive for 20somethings to wait around for their brains to grow up. The real take-home message about the still-developing 20something brain is that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the easiest time to change it. Is your 20something job, or hobby, making you smarter? Are your 20something relationships improving your personality or are they reinforcing old patterns and teaching bad habits?
然而不幸的是，這個事實被誤讀成“20歲的人還沒發育好，所以在成熟前我們可以整天無所事事了”。正確的理解應該是這個——無論你想把自己改造成什麼樣子，20多歲正是最佳的時機。捫心自問一下，你在20多歲時的工作或愛好，是否有讓你變得更聰明靈活？你這一時期的伴侶有沒有完善你的人格，抑或加重了你的壞習慣、甚至教會了你不好的東西？

What you do everyday is wiring you to be the adult you will be. That's one reason I love working with 20somethings: They are so darn easy to help because they--and their brains and their lives--can change so quickly and so profoundly.
你現在每天在做的事情，都會影響到你即將成爲的那個人。我喜歡處理20多歲的年輕人的問題，因爲：要幫助他們非常容易——他們的大腦和生活，可以如此迅速地轉換，並因此帶來良性鉅變。