愛上一支潛力股 女性"下嫁"的好處

Today, a successful single woman who falls for a man making less money than she does or not sharing her career ambition may face not-so-subtle disapproval from friends and family. One patient of mine reported being told, 'I'm surprised you haven't found someone who is more your equal.' Another felt insulted when a trusted friend asked, 'Are you sure you wouldn't be happier with a man who is making more money than you?'

如今，成功單身女性愛上一位掙得比自己少或不能分擔其事業進取心的男人可能會遭到來自親朋好友的明確反對。我的一位患者據稱就曾被這樣告知：“你沒能找到一位跟你更相配的人，我感到很驚訝。”另一位則在其可信賴的朋友這樣發問時感到受了侮辱：“你確定跟掙得比你多的男人在一起不會更幸福嗎？”

These women were in love with solid, supportive guys who shared their values -- men who weren't driven by money. They dreaded the concerned whispers from friends or family who persisted in believing that they were 'marrying down.'

這些女性都跟那些踏實可靠、能給予自己支持並與自己持有相同價值觀的男性相愛了――他們愛上她們，不是因爲錢。這些女性害怕聽到來自朋友或家人關切的竊竊私語，那些親朋好友堅信她們是在“下嫁”。

As a couples therapist, the notion of marrying down strikes me as impossibly antiquated. It's right out of the 'Downton Abbey' era, when suitable marriages were entirely a matter of matching people according to social class and fortune -- hence the panic when Lord Grantham's youngest daughter marries the family's Irish chauffeur.

作爲一名婚姻治療師，有關下嫁的說法讓我覺得難以置信地過時。那完全是《唐頓莊園》(Downton Abbey)時代的產物。在那樣的年代，合適的婚姻完全是根據雙方的社會地位和身家財富而將人們湊配在一起――因此，格蘭瑟姆勳爵(Lord Grantham)纔會因爲小女兒嫁給了家裏的愛爾蘭司機而痛苦不已。

The notion that women should 'marry up' endured well past the heyday of the English gentry, and the most successful breadwinners were considered the most desirable mates. Well into the 20th century, relatively few high-paying jobs were available to women, so for the most part, women went to college to get their M.R.S., or maybe to land the kind of work that would put them near the right professional men.

女性應該“高攀”的觀念在經歷了英國鄉紳貴族的鼎盛時期後依然深入人心，最成功的養家者會被視爲最令人滿意的伴侶。在進入20世紀很久以後，提供給女性的高薪工作相對來說仍比較少，所以大多數情況下，女性讀大學是爲了在學校結識男性然後嫁爲人婦，或者是爲了在畢業後能找到一份可以使自己能接近合適職場男性的工作。

Today, more women than men are graduating from college and graduate school. Pew Research, which has been compiling data on the topic over the past 50 years, reports that for the first time, 'the share of couples in which the wife is the one 'marrying down' educationally is higher than those in which the husband has more education.' In 2012, the report notes, 27% of newlywed women married a spouse with less education, while only 15% of newlywed men did the same.

如今，從大學和研究生院校畢業的女性人數超過了男性。皮尤研究中心(Pew Research)在過去的50年間一直在蒐集編匯與該主題相關的數據，其報告稱，有史以來第一次出現“妻高夫低”的婚姻比例超過了“夫高妻低”的婚姻比例――前者指妻子學歷更高而委身‘下嫁’的情況，後者則指丈夫學歷更高。”2012年，該報告指出，27%的新婚女性都嫁給了學歷比自己低的配偶，而只有15%的新婚男子娶了學歷比自己低的伴侶。

More education doesn't necessarily lead to greater earning power, but in most U.S. cities, single, childless women under 30 now make more money than their male peers, according to analysis by Reach Advisors, a research firm. Across all social classes, women contribute 47% of household income, reports the Carsey Institute at the University of New Hampshire. And most strikingly, Pew has found that in 24% of marriages, women earn more than their husbands, up from 6.2% in 1960.

受教育程度更高並不一定會造就更強的賺錢能力，但據研究公司Reach Advisors的分析表明，在美國的大多數城市，單身無子、年齡在30歲以下的女性比同齡男性掙得更多。新罕布什爾大學(University of New Hampshire) 卡西學院(Carsey Institute)的報告稱，縱覽所有的社會階層，女性給家庭收入帶來的貢獻爲47%。而皮尤研究發現，最令人震驚的是，在24%的婚姻中，女性都比她們的丈夫掙得更多，這一數據比例在1960年僅爲6.2%。

For most strong, successful women, the alpha male of old isn't the best match. I have seen in my practice what happens when two dominant personalities engage in power struggles: The alpha male will assume that his priorities should dominate, while the alpha woman will assert hers. These are the most difficult duos to treat.

對於大多數強勢的成功女性而言，有點大男子主義的年長男性並不是最佳伴侶。在婚姻諮詢業務活動中，我已目睹了當兩位有着支配性人格的男女捲入權力鬥爭時會發生什麼：大男子主義的丈夫將認爲他優先考慮的事應該占主導地位，而大女子主義的妻子則會堅持她自己的考量。這樣的夫妻問題是最難解決的。

Over the past 30 years, says Stephanie Coontz, director of public education at the Council on Contemporary Families at the University of Chicago, 'egalitarian values have become increasingly important to relationship success.' Confident, dominant women need collaborative partners more than they need traditional breadwinners. They need men who aren't threatened by their strength and will support their goals.

芝加哥大學(University of Chicago)現代家庭理事會(Council on Contemporary Families)公共教育主管斯泰芬尼・庫茨(Stephanie Coontz)說，在過去30年間，“對於一段戀情是否成功，平等的價值觀已變得越來越重要。”自信、占主導地位的女性更需要的是能夠配合她、與之分工合作的伴侶，而不是傳統的養家者。她們需要的男性是這樣的：不會被自己的強勢所嚇倒，而且會全力支持她們的目標。

These men are secure enough to follow as well as lead. They value partnership, parenting and pulling their own weight. They work but aren't workaholics. The problem is family members and friends who sometimes devalue such men because they don't adhere to traditional standards of masculinity -- standards that should no longer apply.

這些男性有足夠多的安全感，既能顯身於人前又能委身於人後。他們珍視伴侶關係和養育子女的職責，並能盡到自己的責任。他們努力工作，卻不是工作狂。但問題是，親朋好友有時會低估這樣的男人，因爲他們無法達到傳統的男子氣概標準――這種標準不該再適用於今天。

What high-achieving women need are men strong enough to support their achievements, contribute to the household in services and/or money, and be loving partners. A strong woman will reap the benefit of this kind of respectful, responsible beta man; he will be more flexible, more nurturing and more willing to share the responsibilities of family life.

建樹頗高的女性所需要的，是男性可以足夠強大，強大到能支持她們取得成就，在服務與/或金錢方面，還能對整個家庭有所貢獻，而且得是一位充滿愛意的伴侶。女強人將從這種恭敬、負責的“小男人”身上獲益。他會更靈活、更會悉心照料人而且更願意承擔家庭生活的責任。

Attitudes are slowly changing. According to Pew, only 28% of respondents agreed that it is 'generally better for a marriage if the husband earns more than the wife.' But we still have a long way to go: Economists at the University of Chicago School of Business found in 2013 that women are leery of making more than their husbands do and may even choose to stay out of the workplace if they think they're in danger of earning more than their husbands.

人們的態度正在慢慢發生改變。據皮尤研究中心稱，只有28%的受訪者認同這樣的觀點――“如果丈夫比妻子掙得更多，這對一段婚姻來說一般會更好。”但我們仍有很長一段路要走：芝加哥大學商學院(University of Chicago School of Business)經濟學家在2013年發現，女性對於自己比丈夫掙得多的情況非常小心，在覺得這種狀況做會讓自己陷入困境時，她們甚至會遠離職場。

Today's romances suggest that growing numbers of smart women and men are marrying neither up nor down -- they're just marrying the right person.

現今的愛情故事表明，越來越多的聰慧女性和睿智男性都不是“低就”，也不是“高攀”――他們只是選擇了和一個對的人步入婚姻。