繁瑣的文化規範

Every culture has rules - some implicit - about the roles of gender and age. When they collide, predicaments arise.

A few years ago when I was traveling across the Pacific Ocean on a United Airlines flight, I was thrown into the perfect storm of cultural collisions. It was nothing melodramatic, but rather, quiet and imperturbable in a Chekhovian kind of way.

As the aircraft reached a certain height, flight attendants started to serve drinks and then the meal. The one who came my way was an elderly lady. I would say she was past the age of 65, but I could be wrong.

She had the feeble gait that I would associate with someone in retirement, to put it mildly. As soon as she started pouring a drink for me, I had to suppress my urge to jump up and say "Please, you sit down and I'll pour YOU a drink!"

Did I mention she was Asian? In China, children would definitely have addressed her as "granny". It took the Chinese many decades to adjust to the Western way of deliberately calling someone, especially a woman, by a younger term.

There were so many layers of cultural conflicts that I can only untangle them one at a time.

The first is ageism. I've often heard Chinese passengers complain about the age of flight attendants on non-Asian airlines. In China, they are invariably young and often good-looking. But most in such service on Western airlines are middle-aged these days. If a Chinese businessman has flown domestically for years and then, for the first time, gets on a US airline, he would be in for a big shock.

From a pragmatic point of view, I don't think the Chinese practice is sustainable. You can recruit youngsters when you first start, but you cannot fire all of them when they reach, say, 40. Some of them may be reshuffled to positions in administration, but surely not all of them. I'm still wondering where all those "stewardesses" go when they are no longer in the bloom of youth.

Now "stewardess" is considered politically incorrect and has been replaced. In Chinese, the equivalent kongjie (air sister or sister in the air) is actually more sexist. So, when Chinese gripe about their flying experiences on Western airlines, they often change the term to "air matron" and, in my case, probably "air granny".

Perhaps it's just me, but I feel a crucial distinction between being served by a 45-year-old and by a 65-year-old. In Asia, the pervasive Confucian value system ordains that the young obey the old. When you reach the age of 60, you are by age master of the household and elder of the village. You wait to be served by those younger than you.

After that UA episode, I did some soul-searching. I can debate with my compatriots about the rights of the 45-year-old in this line of job, so why not the 65-year-old if he or she can perform the task? If looks should not be a factor in such a judgment, then the age difference should not matter.

If you examine it from another perspective, the woman who served me could have had all kinds of practical reasons for continuing to work. Shouldn't she be applauded for being a contributing member of society?

Maybe it was the slight shaking of her hand that triggered my sentiments. But no, even if she had been steady, I still would have been uncomfortable. The notion that someone old enough to be a grandfather or grandmother walking down an aircraft aisle, which could be caught in sudden turbulence, and serving younger passengers would utterly overturn the Confucian respect for senior citizens.

Since UA is not a Chinese airline and most of its customers are non-Chinese, my culture-specific angst had to be kept to myself in case it created trouble for her. During the flight, I ordered as little as possible and cleaned up my table before she came. I wanted to minimize her workload the best way I could.

I knew it was ludicrous, but I couldn't help it. I was not brought up in a very traditional family, but still that situation unsettled me, to say the least.

The issue is often compounded with sexism. Were the UA flight attendant a man, would I have thought differently? Fundamentally, no. During my first trip overseas, back in 1986, I was placed in a similar but smaller dilemma. Our Canadian host took us, a group of Chinese, to a restaurant and the teenage girls in my group helped serve the food. The host asked me, the translator, whether China followed the "women first" etiquette. I said no, we have the "elders first" Confucian rule.

But I was only half right. Sure, the girls were about 16 or 17, and they were serving a man aged about 40. If we reversed the gender and put a 17-year-old male and a 40-year-old woman in the same situation, the youngster would be the one doing the ad hoc waiter's job.

But most crucial in this equation, as I recalled it, was the man's social position. He was the leader of our group, the highest-ranking official. So, it didn't matter whether it was a he or she. Other people would take care of his or her plate as a courtesy.

What if the person helping him with the food was his senior in age but not in position? That would be an interesting situation. If we transform the teenage girl into a 50-year-old woman, would it be culturally appropriate for him to sit there and be served? Maybe, I guess. But if she was over 60, I would say he would have squirmed in his seat.

Adults help children because the latter are small and weak. Youngsters yield to those senior in generation because the latter have earned it and the practice has evolved into a custom here in China and other Asian countries under strong Confucian influence. In China it is being subverted - in actuality if not in name - by the single children who act as "little emperors" and tend to lord it over their parents and grandparents.

I guess it's the same process for women's status in the West. They were traditionally considered weak and the object of protection and chivalry strengthened it into an expectation. Here in China, men do not hold doors for women and the level of equality on a Chinese bus or subway train is nothing short of staggering. What do Western feminists make of that? Is it progress as women are obviously no longer perceived as weaker than men, or is it a gross manifestation of rudeness toward the fair sex?

A recent report of a squabble on a bus may help illustrate the complexity of real life over ordained principles. A young woman had a seat and in came an elderly man who planted himself in front of her.

Good manners by Chinese custom dictate she offer her seat to him.

She did not budge. And she had a good reason, which others could not easily detect. She was two months pregnant. By Chinese etiquette, pregnant women enjoy the right to a seat just as the elderly or those carrying babies. The elderly gentleman, without that piece of information, demanded she give up the seat, and she, probably unwisely, did not reveal her pregnancy until a scuffle had broken out.

Who should have been given priority in this situation, the two-month pregnant woman or the frail gentleman? (I assume he was frail.) There is no rule about which of these two demographics should get more "respect".

The right thing, as I would have figured, was that she told the truth as soon as he asked for the seat and the person sitting next to her should have graciously offered his or her seat to the elderly man.

Culture, unlike science, should have rules but should accommodate exceptions as well.每種文化都有自身的規範，有些關於性別和年齡的規範是潛在的。當不同文化之間的規範互相牴觸時，問題就產生了。

幾年前，當我乘坐美國聯合航空公司的航班（United Airlines）飛越太平洋的時候，我身處文化碰撞的典型場景。這一點都不誇張，一切都靜靜地發生了，以契訶夫式的諷刺展現出來。

飛機飛行到一定的高度，乘務員開始提供飲料和餐食。給我提供服務的是一名年長的女士，我估計她的年齡在65歲以上，但我也可能估計錯了。

委婉地說，她蹣跚的步態使我聯想到退休的老年人。她一開始給我倒飲料，我就想要從座位上跳起來並對她說：“女士，請您坐下來，我給您倒杯飲品吧。”我不得不去壓抑這種衝動。

我提過這位女士是亞洲人麼？如果在中國，孩子們一定會稱她爲“老奶奶”。在西方，稱呼別人時，人們故意叫得年輕一些。稱呼女性時，更是如此。中國人花了幾十年的時間才適應西方的這一習慣。

文化層面上有如此多的碰撞，我一次只能理清一個。

首先是歧視老年人這一問題。我經常聽到有中國乘客抱怨非亞洲航線的飛機乘務員年紀太大了。在中國，飛機乘務員無一例外地年輕、漂亮。但是，日前在西方航線上工作的飛機乘務員大多是中年人。如果一名中國商人多年來一直都乘坐國內航線，當他第一次乘坐美國航空公司的航線、面對那些上了年紀的飛機乘務員，他可能會很吃驚。

從實用主義的角度來看，我不認爲中國聘用年輕飛機乘務員的這一慣例會持久。最開始的時候，你可以招募年輕人，但是當這批人全部都40歲的時候，你不能把她們全部都解僱了。她們中的一些人可能會被再安排去做行政，但不是所有人。我仍然很好奇，當所有的這些風華正茂的“女服務員”容顏不再的時候，她們何去何從？

當今，人們認爲“女服務員”一詞的政治立場有誤，該詞已經被漢語中的對等詞空姐代替。這個詞語實際上更有性別歧視的色彩。因此，當中國人談及乘坐西方航班的體驗時，他們滿是怨言，通常稱空姐爲“空嫂”。對我而言，“空奶”這個詞語或許更合適。

不僅僅是我有那種感覺。然而，45歲乘務員和65歲的乘務員服務的感覺是截然不同的。在亞洲，主流價值觀儒家思想規定，年輕人要聽老人家的話。60歲的時候，你就是一家之主、村裏的長老了，你等着那些比你年輕的人去服侍你。

有過在美國聯合航空公司航班上的那次經歷之後，我進行了反思。我可以跟同胞們就乘務員的年齡問題進行辯論。年齡45歲的人有權利做乘務員，那麼，如果65歲的男性或者女性能夠勝任這份工作的話，他們爲什麼不能做乘務員呢？如果長相不應該作爲選擇乘務員的一個因素，那麼年齡差異也不應該。

從另一個層面看，那位爲我提供服務的婦女可能有各種正當的理由去繼續工作。難道她不應該因爲奉獻社會而受到讚揚嗎？

或許是她微微顫抖的雙手使我心慌意亂。但是，不是這樣的。即使她的手很穩，我仍然會感到不安。一位跟爺爺、奶奶年紀不相上下的人在飛機過道上行走忙碌、給年輕的乘客提供服務，而飛機可能會遇到氣流，完全顛覆了儒家所倡導的尊敬長輩的觀念。

因爲美國聯合航空公司不是中國開的，大部分的乘客不是中國人。我並不想給她帶來麻煩，沒有把自己的文化焦慮對別人分享。在飛機上，我儘可能地少點東西，在她來服務之前把桌子清理乾淨。我想要盡最大的努力去減輕她的工作負擔。

我知道這樣做很荒唐，但是，我不由自主。我並沒有成長在一個非常傳統的家庭裏，但是，毫不誇張地講，飛機上的老年人爲我提供服務的情境仍然讓我不安。

歧視老人通常跟性別歧視摻雜在一起。如果在美國聯合航空公司航班上的乘務員是一名男性，我的想法會有所不同嗎？根本不會。回顧1986年，我第一次到海外的時候，我遇到了相似的文化碰撞，但是，那一次的問題很小。加拿大方的東道主帶我們一行中國人到餐廳用餐。我小組裏的少女們服務我們所有人就餐。東道主問我這位翻譯道，中國人是否奉行“女士優先”這一社會規範。我說，沒有。中國人奉行“長者優先”這一儒家規範。

但是，我只對了一半。當然，姑娘們大約16、17歲，她們要服侍一名40歲的男性用餐。如果我們把情境中性別顛倒一下，變成17歲的男性和40歲的女性。年輕的仍然會充當臨時服務員，在用餐中服務年長者。

但是，正如我回想的那樣，這個等式中最關鍵的一點是被服侍就餐的那位男性的社會地位。他是我們組的領隊，級別最高的官員。因此，無論這個官員是男是女，出於禮貌，其他人都應該服侍他或者她用餐。

如果幫助他用餐的人年紀比他大，級別沒他高，那將會是一個有趣的情形了。如果我們把少女換成是一名50歲的婦女，讓他坐在那裏接受服侍，這從文化上講，合適嗎？或許吧。但是，如果她年過60，我要說他該侷促不安了。

成年人因爲兒童弱小而幫助他們。年輕人應該服從老者，因爲老者自身的閱歷使人信服，也因爲中國等其他的亞洲國家深受儒家尊老愛幼思想文化的影響。在中國，情況發生了逆轉。獨生子女是家裏的“小皇帝”，他們容易對父母、祖父母頤指氣使、呼來喝去的。這不是傳聞，是事實。

我想，婦女地位在西方的發展進程也大致如此。傳統觀念認爲，女性是柔弱的受保護對象，騎士精神把那種觀念強化成爲一種預期。在中國，男性不爲女性開門。在中國公交車或地鐵上，男女平等得驚人。西方的女權主義者都做了什麼呢？女性顯然不再被視爲弱者了，這是社會進步的進程，還是對女性無禮的另外一種表現呢？

最近發生在公交車上的一場口角或許有助於我們看清既定原則面前現實生活的複雜性。一位年輕的女性有座位，一位年長的男性進來後，他站在了這位女性的面前。

中國風俗中合乎規範的有禮貌的做法是，該女士把座位讓給那位老人。

她沒有讓座。她有絕佳的理由去那麼做，這個理由一般人輕易看不出來——她懷有2個月身孕。中國禮節中，孕婦、老人及抱小孩的婦女有座位的優先權。不知情這些，那位年長的紳士要求她讓座。而她，可能不太明智，直到兩人開始扭打的時候才說自己懷孕了。

在這種情形中，誰有座位的優先權呢？是懷孕2個月的孕婦還是身體虛弱的老人？（我假設他的身體虛弱。）沒有規範規定這兩種人中的哪一種應該獲得更多的“尊重”。

我能尋思出來的不錯的解決方案是，當老人要求該女性讓座的時候，她立馬就說出自己是孕婦這一事實，然後坐在她旁邊的那位他或她大方的把座位讓給那位老年人。

與科學不同，文化是有規範，但是，規範的預期應該同社會現實相符。