男人絕對不能對女人說的八句話

If you're old enough to read these words, there’s a 99.9% chance you’ve said something to piss off a woman. And while we’re sure you probably didn’t mean to elicit that strong of a reaction, you can probably recall a few cringe-worthy meMories when some flippant remark made your girl (or a complete stranger) fly off the handle.
如果你是到了一定年紀纔來看這篇文章，那很可能是你說了什麼不中聽的話惹惱了某個女性。不過雖然我們明白你並無心讓對方生氣，但是你一定也能回憶起幾段因爲失言而得罪了你的愛人（或者某個陌生女人）的尷尬經歷。

To help you know what not to say to any woman from here on out, we asked 10 female comedians about what men say that irritates them the most. Here are their takes on the words that should never leave your lips again—unless you really enjoy the doghouse.
爲了幫助大家弄清楚女性對哪些來自男性的話最反感，我們詢問了10個女喜劇演員。以下是她們的回答。看完這些，你要是不想住狗窩的話，可千萬不要再把這樣的話掛在嘴邊了。

“Are you wearing that?”
No.1 “你真的要穿這件衣服？”

“If you’re taking me out somewhere, and you see me with clothes on, then yes, I'm wearing that. This is not a hologram outfit under which I'm actually naked and about to get dressed in something you won't passive-aggressively tell me you don't like.”
–Fara Greenbaum, comedian, New York City
“你跟我出門的時候，如果你看見我穿了，那我就是穿了。我並沒有裸體穿全息服裝，我也不打算換上合你口味的衣服。”
——喜劇演員法拉·格林鮑姆，來自紐約

“You should smile more.”
No.2 “你應該多笑笑。”

“I hate when guys tell me to smile more. Maybe I just got fired today. Maybe I've just been walking around in 5-inch heels all day. Maybe I'm just not impressed with your mesh t-shirt. I don't tell you to do things, like get a haircut. But you definitely need one.”
-Chrissie Mayr, comedian and host of Comedy at Stonewall Inn, New York City
“我很討厭男人告訴我要多笑笑。我今天不笑，或許是因爲我今天被炒了魷魚，或許是因爲我已經穿5英寸的高跟鞋走了一整天，或許只是因爲我對你的網眼T恤無感。我並沒有叫你去理髮或者做別的什麼事，儘管你的確該理髮了。”
——喜劇演員、《石牆旅店》主持人克里希·邁爾，來自紐約

“A pet peeve is when strangers—always men—tell me to smile. This happens a lot on the NYC subway, and no one on the subway is happy to be taking the subway. While waiting for the train one day, a guy asked me, ‘Why aren't you smiling?’ and I told him, ‘Because I didn't push you in front of the train yet.’
-Jessica Sager, comedian, New York City
“我很受不了陌生人（一般都是男人）讓我多笑一笑。這樣的事情常常發生在紐約的地鐵上，沒有哪個坐地鐵的人是喜歡坐地鐵的。有一天，我在等地鐵，一個傢伙問我：‘你怎麼不笑呢？’我回答：‘因爲我還沒把你推到列車前面去。’
——喜劇演員傑西卡·賽琪，來自紐約"You're too pretty to [FILL IN THE BLANK]."
No.3 “你太漂亮了，所以不要這樣……做”

“A friend of mine encountered this pretty recently when a man came up to her after a show she was on and told her she was too pretty to use explicit language during her act. Unfortunately, this sort of comment crops up more than you'd think, as well as the notion that women can't be both ‘pretty and funny.’ This sort of backhanded compliment is guaranteed to incite rage in the recipient because, shocker, I don’t like being told what I can and can't do because of the way society may perceive me. And no, I’m not too pretty to kick your ass.”
-Nikki Black, comedian, Philadelphia, PA
“我的一個朋友前不久遭遇了這麼一件事：一個男人在她演出結束後對她說，她太漂亮了，不該在臺上使用那樣露骨的語言。不幸的是，這樣的評論可不少見，好像女性絕對不能‘既漂亮又有趣’一樣。這樣諷刺挖苦的恭維話真的很讓人不爽，因爲我不喜歡別人按照外界的標準來告訴我可以怎樣和不可以怎樣。對，我很漂亮，但我一樣可以揍你！”
——喜劇演員兼項目管理員尼基·布萊克，來自費城

"You wanna watch a movie?"
No.4 “你想看部電影嗎？”

“I love movies. But come on, we all know what that means! 'You wanna watch a movie?' translates to 'Let’s bone.' Most sentences uttered by men can be translated to 'You wanna f---?' Sure, let’s bone but you said we could watch my favorite movie! You can't ask a movie lover to watch a movie unless you plan on finishing the flick. You better be a real good fella if you're going to interrupt Good Fellas.”
-Jessimae Peluso, comedian and star of MTV’s Girl Code
“我確實喜歡看電影。但是，我們都知道那是什麼意思。‘你想看部電影嗎？’就是‘你想約炮嗎？’其實男人很多話都有那樣的意思。你明明是那個意思，卻偏要說‘我們看部喜歡的電影吧’。除非你真的打算好好把電影看完，否則你絕不能對一個電影愛好者提出去看電影。如果你想在看《好傢伙》的時候中途離開，那麼你最好自己是個真正的好傢伙。
——喜劇演員傑西米·佩魯索，MTV連續劇《女孩密碼》演員

“You look tired.”
No.5 “你看起來很累。”

“This makes me irate! (And I never say that word!) This is never okay! No one ever wants to hear that, especially a girl. We already have enough problems trying to keep things sucked and tucked in all day let alone you telling us we look like we didn't sleep well. Yeah, yeah, I am tired. I'm busy walking my dogs, writing a book, touring the country, putting on acrobatic lingerie, and posing for you all while you make yogurt commercials. ”
-Jessimae Peluso
“這句話真的讓我很不爽（我纔不說這樣的話）！這根本就很讓人討厭。沒有人想聽到這話，特別是女孩。我們整天忙這忙那已經夠了，不用你來提醒我們的氣色有多差。我承認我很累。我忙着遛狗，忙着寫書，忙着旅遊，忙着穿雜技服，在你拍攝酸奶廣告的時候，我還得忙着給你當模特。”
——傑西米·佩魯索“Have you lost weight?”
No.6 “你減肥了嗎?”

“When a guy says this, or 'Wow, you look slimmer!' my blood starts to boil because, nope, I'm the exact same weight I was yesterday. I resist the urge to grab a marker, pants this doofus, circle all his fat and instead say, 'I haven't lost any weight. But you've lost any chance of going home with me.' The only way this dude can recover is by full-on admitting he was just trying to be nice and didn't know what else to say because I'm always looking great. But seriously, don't comment on a woman's weight, ever!”
-Marianne Schaberg, writer and comedian
“如果有個男人說，‘哇，你看起來變瘦了！’那我簡直就要怒髮衝冠了，因爲我的體重跟昨天差不多。我拼命壓住想抓起一支馬克筆把這蠢貨身上的脂肪都圈出來的衝動，說：‘我並沒有變瘦。但是你已經失去和我做朋友的機會了。’唯一挽救的辦法就是，這傢伙要誠心誠意地承認，他只是想說點好聽的，但是不知道該說些別的什麼，因爲我一直都很美。不過，說真的，不要評論一個女人的體重，永遠不要！”
——作家、喜劇演員瑪麗安·史嘉伯

"Wow, I didn't recognize you with makeup on."
No.7 “哇，你化了妝我都認不出來了。”

“It drives me nuts when I wear makeup and a man says to me, ‘Oh my god, I didn't recognize you! You're so pretty.’ This is the ultimate backhanded compliment. I don't wear make-up at my day job because I don't consider all of life a show. A simple 'You look very pretty today,' is fine. Beyond that, we're not that close, so please keep your comments to yourself. I don't tell you when your bald spot looks extra shiny, don't tell me when I'm looking tired or fat or thin. I have a mirror. Believe me, I know.”
-Corinne Fisher, comedian, New York City
“要是我化了妝，一個男人對我說: ‘我的天，我都認不出你了！你真美。’那我絕對要氣炸。這純粹是挖苦。我白天工作時不化妝，因爲我不認爲整個人生是一場戲。他只要簡單地說：‘你今天真漂亮’就很好。別的話就算了，因爲我們的關係並沒有那麼近。所以，不要亂說話。我不會告訴你今天你的禿頭有多亮，所以你也別告訴我我看起來很累或是胖了瘦了，我自己有鏡子。相信我，我自己知道的。”
——喜劇演員科琳·費希爾，來自紐約

“Can’t you take a joke?”
No.8 “怎麼就這麼開不起玩笑？”

“Sometimes when men find out I perform stand-up comedy, they think that gives them permission to 'fake-insult' me. When I don't laugh, they ask, ‘Can't you take a joke?' to which I say, 'Can't you tell a joke?' Enjoying humor isn't a green light for reciting every sexist joke your uncle told the family at Thanksgiving dinner.”
-Carolyn Busa, host of "Side Ponytail" in Williamsburg, Brooklyn
“有時候當男人發現我是個單口相聲演員時，他們就會認爲自己有權拿我開涮。如果我不賠笑，他們就會問：‘怎麼就這麼開不起玩笑？’我說：‘你就不能自己來個笑話？’看滑稽表演並不意味着你可以把你叔叔在感恩節家庭聚餐時說的黃色笑話搬到這裏來。”
——布魯克林區威廉斯堡市節目《側馬尾》主持人卡洛琳·布薩