《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 99 (236):我的可人兒

When we return to Ubud, I go straight back to Felipe's house and don't leave his bedroom for approximately another month. This is only the faintest of exaggerations. I have never been loved and adored like this before by anyone, never with such pleasure and single-minded concentration. Never have I been so unpeeled, revealed, unfurled and hurled through the event of lovemaking.

One thing I do know about intimacy is that there are certain natural laws which govern the sexual experience of two people, and that these laws cannot be budged any more than gravity can be negotiated with. To feel physically comfortable with someone else's body is not a decision you can make. It has very little to do with how two people think or act or talk or even look. The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum, or it is not. When it isn't there (as I have learned in the past, with heartbreaking clarity) you can no more force it to exist than a surgeon can force a patient's body to accept a kidney from the wrong donor. My friend Annie says it all comes down to one simple question: "Do you want your belly pressed against this person's belly forever—or not?"

Felipe and I, as we discover to our delight, are a perfectly matched, genetically engineered belly-to-belly success story. There are no parts of our bodies which are in any way allergic to any parts of the other's body. Nothing is dangerous, nothing is difficult, nothing is refused. Everything in our sensual universe is—simply and thoroughly—complemented. And, also . . . complimented.

"Look at you," Felipe says, taking me to the mirror after we've made love again, showing me my nude body and my hair that looks like I just came through a NASA space-training centrifuge. He says, "Look how beautiful you are . . . every line of you is a curve . . . you look like sand dunes . . ."

(Indeed, I do not think my body has looked or felt this relaxed in its life, not since I was maybe six months old and my mother took snapshots of me all blissed-out on a towel on the kitchen counter after a nice bath in the kitchen sink.)

And then he leads me back to the bed, saying, in Portuguese, "Vem, gostosa."

Come here, my delicious one.

我們回烏布後，我直接到斐利貝家，然後約有一個月未離開過他的臥室。這說來一點都不誇張。過去我從未被哪個人如此愉悅專注地依戀愛慕。我從未在做愛過程中被如此生吞活剝。

我對親密關係所瞭解的一件事，是某種天然法則支配着兩個人的性經驗，而這些法則沒有讓步的餘地，正如同地心引力般無從商榷。生理上對另一個人的身體感覺自在與否，不是你所能做的決定，和兩個人的想法、舉止、談吐，甚至長相，也毫無關係。神祕的吸引力若非深埋在胸骨後頭，就是毫不存在。倘若不存在（如同我過去令人心痛的明確體驗），你亦無從強迫，正如同外科醫師無從強迫病患的身體去接受不合適的腎臟捐贈。我的朋友安妮說，一切都回歸到一個簡單的問題："你想不想讓自己的腹部，永遠貼着另一個人的腹部？"

斐利貝和我欣喜地發現，我們是一個完全協調、在基因設計上即完全腹貼腹的成功案例。我們沒有任何身體部位對對方的任何身體部位過敏，沒有任何危險、困難，或排斥。我們的感官世界——簡單而徹底地——相得益彰。並且……被予以讚賞。

"看看你。"斐利貝在我們再次做愛後，帶我到鏡子前，讓我看看自己赤裸的身體與毛髮，彷彿我剛從太空總署的太空訓練離心機中走出來。他說："看看你多美……你的每一道曲線……都像沙丘……"

（事實上，我想自己的身體這輩子從未看起來或感覺如此放鬆。打從六個月大時，母親拍下我在廚房水槽洗完澡後，裹着毛巾在梳妝檯上的快樂照片以來，都不曾有過。）

而後他帶我回牀上，以葡萄牙語說："Vem,gostosa."

過來吧，我的可人兒。