《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 93 (222):年輕又愚蠢

"Of course you were," Felipe said. "You were young and stupid then. Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance. Do you think any of us know what we're doing? Do you think there's any way humans can love each other without complication? You should see how it happens in Bali, darling. All these Western men come here after they've made a mess of their lives back home, and they decide they've had it with Western women, and they go marry some tiny, sweet, obedient little Balinese teenage girl. I know what they're thinking. They think this pretty little girl will make them happy, make their lives easy. But whenever I see it happen, I always want to say the same thing. Good luck. Because you still have a woman in front of you, my friend. And you are still a man. It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it's going to become complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

"這不奇怪，"斐利貝說，"你當時又年輕又愚蠢。只有年輕、愚蠢的人對性和談情說愛感到自信。你覺得我們有誰知道自己在做什麼？你覺得人類有辦法簡簡單單、毫不復雜地彼此相愛嗎？你應該看看在巴厘島發生的事情，甜心。這些西方男人在家把生活搞得一團糟之後來到這裏，覺得已經受夠西方女人，於是娶了個嬌小、甜美、聽話的巴厘島小姑娘。我瞭解他們的想法。他們認爲這種漂亮的小姑娘能讓自己快樂，讓自己過安逸舒服的生活。但每回看見這種事，我總想說相同的話"祝你好運"。因爲，我的朋友啊，還是有個女人在你面前哪。而你也還是個男人啊。兩個人依然必須嘗試和諧相處，因此肯定會變得複雜。而愛向來是複雜的事。可是人類總得嘗試彼此相愛，甜心。我們必須偶爾心碎。心碎是好兆頭。表示我們已經盡力。"

I said, "My heart was broken so badly last time that it still hurts. Isn't that crazy? To still have a broken heart almost two years after a love story ends?"

我說："上回我嚴重心碎，至今仍感到傷痛。這不是很荒唐嗎？愛情故事幾乎已經結束兩年，卻依然感到心碎？"

"Darling, I'm southern Brazilian. I can keep a broken heart going for ten years over a woman I never even kissed."

"甜心，我是巴西南部人。我能爲我從未吻過的一名女人心碎十年之久。"

We talk about our marriages, our divorces. Not in a petty way, but just to commiserate. We compare notes about the bottomless depths of post-divorce depression. We drink wine and eat well together and we tell each other the nicest stories we can remember about former spouses, just to take the sting out of all that conversation about loss.

我們談論各自的婚姻，各自的離婚故事。不是發牢騷，而是表示同情，彼此比較離婚後深陷抑鬱的無底深淵。我們一同品酒、嘗美食，和對方說前夫或前妻在自己記憶中的美好故事，以便讓整個有關失落過程的對話少去殺傷力。

He says, "Do you want to do something with me this weekend?" and I find myself saying yes, that would be nice. Because it would be nice.

他說："這個週末想不想和我做些事？"我說好，那很不錯。因爲那真的很不錯。

Twice now, dropping me off in front of my house and saying goodnight, Felipe has reached across the car to give me a goodnight kiss, and twice now I've done the same thing—allowing myself to be pulled into him, but then ducking my head at the last moment and tucking my cheek up against his chest. There, I let him hold me for a while. Longer than is necessarily merely friendly. I can feel him press his face into my hair, as my face presses somewhere against his sternum. I can smell his soft linen shirt. I really like the way he smells. He has muscular arms, a nice wide chest. He was once a champion gymnast back in Brazil. Of course that was in 1969, which was the year I was born, but still. His body feels strong.

至今已有兩回，斐利貝在我住家門前放我下車道晚安時，探頭過來要給我一個睡前親吻，而我也已有兩回做相同的事——任憑自己被他拉過去，但在最後一刻低下頭，臉頰貼在他的胸膛上，讓他摟着我一會兒。持續的時間長過僅是友好的表示。我感覺到他把臉貼在我的頭髮上，我的臉則貼在他的胸骨上。我聞到他柔軟的亞麻襯衫的味道。我真的喜歡他的味道。他的手臂結實，胸膛寬闊。他在巴西曾是體操冠軍。當然那是1969年的事了，即我出生那年，但他的身體感覺起來仍很強壯。

My ducking my head like this whenever he reaches for me is a kind of hiding—I'm avoiding a simple goodnight kiss. But it's also a kind of not-hiding, too. By letting him hold me at all during those long quiet moments at the end of the evening, I'm letting myself be held.

每當他探手過來時，我便這麼低下頭，這是一種迴避——我在迴避簡簡單單的睡前之吻，卻同時也是一種不迴避。在夜晚結束時的漫長寂靜時刻，讓他摟着我，這是我讓自己被摟住。

Which hasn't happened for a long time. Eat, Pray, Love

這已經有好一段時間未曾發生。