經典科幻文學:《宇宙盡頭的餐館》第6章5

“One moment I was sitting in your ship feeling very depressed, and the next moment I was standing here feeling utterly miserable. An Improbability Field I expect.”
“Yeah,” said Zaphod, “I expect my great grandfather sent you along to keep me company.”
“Thanks a bundle, grandad,” he added to himself under his breath.
“So, how are you?” he said aloud.
“Oh, fine,” said Marvin, “if you happen to like being me which personally I don’t.”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Zaphod as the elevator doors opened.
“Hello,” said the elevator sweetly, “I am to be your elevator for this trip to the floor of your choice. I have been designed by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation to take you, the visitor to The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, into these their offices. If you enjoy your ride, which will be swift and pleasurable, then you may care to experience some of the other elevators which have recently been installed in the offices of the Galactic tax department, Boobiloo Baby Foods and the Sirian State Mental Hospital, where many ex-Sirius Cybernetics Corporation executives will be delighted to welcome your visits, sympathy, and happy tales of the outside world.”
“Yeah,” said Zaphod, stepping into it, “what else do you do besides talk?”
“I go up,” said the elevator, “or down.”
“Good,” said Zaphod, “We’re going up.”
“Or down,” the elevator reminded him.
“Yeah, OK, up please.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Down’s very nice,” suggested the elevator hopefully.
“Oh yeah?”
“Super.”
“Good,” said Zaphod, “Now will you take us up?”
“May I ask you,” inquired the elevator in its sweetest, most reasonable voice, “if you’ve considered all the possibilities that down might offer you?”
Zaphod knocked one of his heads against the inside wall. He didn’t need this, he thought to himself, this of all things he had no need of. He hadn’t asked to be here. If he was asked at this moment where he would like to be he would probably have said he would like to be lying on the beach with at least fifty beautiful women and a small team of experts working out new ways they could be nice to him, which was his usual reply. To this he would probably have added something passionate on the subject of food.
One thing he didn’t want to be doing was chasing after the man who ruled the Universe, who was only doing a job which he might as well keep at, because if it wasn’t him it would only be someone else. Most of all he didn’t want to be standing in an office block arguing with an elevator.
“Like what other possibilities?” he asked wearily.
“Well,” the voice trickled on like honey on biscuits, “there’s the basement, the microfiles, the heating system… er…”
It paused.

“當時我坐在你的飛船裏，感到非常沮喪，可接下來的一瞬間過後，我發現自己站在這裏，感到極度悲慘。是一個非概率場，我認爲。”
“是的，”贊福德說，“我想是我的曾祖父派你來給我做伴的。”
“非常感謝，曾祖父。”他自言自語地加了一句。
“嗯，你怎麼樣？”他大聲問。
“哦，很好，”馬文說，“如果你能成爲我的話。至於我自己，我感覺很不好。”
“行啊，隨你怎麼說吧。”贊福德說。這時電梯門開了。
“您好，”電梯發出甜美的聲音，“我是爲您的旅途服務的快樂人體垂直傳送器，目的地是您選擇的樓層。我是由天狼星控制系統公司設計的，用來運送您，《銀河系漫遊指南》的訪問者，到達他們的辦公室。如果您喜歡您迅速愜意的乘坐過程，那麼您或許也會很願意體驗其他型號的某些電梯，它們最近安裝在銀河系稅務部、波比魯嬰兒食品公司以及天狼星公立精神病醫院的辦公樓裏。特別是最後一處，許多天狼星控制系統公司的前管理人員將會非常歡迎您的到訪、您所給予的同情，以及您給他們帶去的外面世界的精彩故事。”
“好吧，”贊福德說着邁進了電梯，“除了說話，你還會幹什麼？”
“我會上升，”電梯回答說，“還有下降。”
“好的，”贊福德說，“那我們就上升吧。”
“還有下降。”電梯提醒他。
“當然，好的。請往上。”
然後是一陣沉默。
“下降的感覺很好。”電梯充滿希望地建議道。
“哦，是嗎？”
“棒極了。”
“好的，”贊福德說，“不過現在你能帶我們上去嗎？”
“我能問一下嗎？”電梯用它最甜美、最通情達理的聲音問道，“您是否已經考慮過了爲您提供下降服務的所有可能性？”
贊福德開始用一個腦袋撞擊電梯的內牆。他告訴自己，其實他並不需要目前碰上的這一切，所有這些都完全沒有必要。他從來就沒有要求到這裏來。如果現在問他，他最想在哪裏，他會說最想躺在沙灘上，身旁起碼圍着五十名絕色佳麗，加上一小隊專家，專門研究如何讓她們把他服侍舒服的新辦法。一般來說，他的回答就是這個。除此之外，也許還會在食物方面增加一些強烈要求。
而他不願意做的事就是跟在統治宇宙的那個人屁股後面追趕。如果那個人想幹那份工作，那就幹吧。因爲就算他不幹，也會有其他人去幹的。當然，他最不願意做的還是像現在這樣，站在一棟辦公大樓裏，和一部電梯爭論。
“什麼別的可能性？”他厭倦地說。
“喔，”電梯的聲音膩得像蜂蜜滴在餅乾上，“有地下室、縮微檔案、供熱系統……嗯……”
它頓了頓。