經典科幻文學:《宇宙盡頭的餐館》第32章6

“I gather,” said the girl, turning to address the Captain who was beginning to nod off, “that he wants to make one about you next, Captain.”
“Oh reAlly?” he said, coming to with a start, “that’s awfully nice.”
“He’s got a very strong angle on it, you know, the burden of responsibility, the loneliness of command…”
The Captain hummed and hahed about this for a moment.
“Well, I wouldn’t overstress that angle, you know,” he said finally, “one’s never alone with a rubber duck.”
He held the duck aloft and it got an appreciative round from the crowd.
All the while, the Management Consultant had been sitting in stony silence, his finger tips pressed to his temples to indicate that he was waiting and would wait all day if it was necessary.
At this point he decided he would not wait all day after all, he would merely pretend that the last half hour hadn’t happened.
He rose to his feet.
“If,” he said tersely, “we could for a moment move on to the subject of fiscal policy…”
“Fiscal policy!” whooped Ford Prefect, “Fiscal policy!”
The Management Consultant gave him a look that only a lungfish could have copied.
“Fiscal policy…” he repeated, “that is what I said.”
“How can you have money,” demanded Ford, “if none of you actually produces anything? It doesn’t grow on trees you know.”
“If you would allow me to continue…”
Ford nodded dejectedly.
“Thank you. Since we decided a few weeks ago to adopt the leaf as legal tender, we have, of course, all become immensely rich.”
Ford stared in disbelief at the crowd who were murmuring appreciatively at this and greedily fingering the wads of leaves with which their track suits were stuffed.
“But we have also,” continued the Management Consultant, “run into a small inflation problem on account of the high level of leaf availability, which means that, I gather, the current going rate has something like three deciduous forests buying one ship’s peanut.”
Murmurs of alarm came from the crowd. The Management Consultant waved them down.
“So in order to obviate this problem,” he continued, “and effectively revaluate the leaf, we are about to embark on a massive defoliation campaign, and… er, burn down all the forests. I think you’ll all agree that’s a sensible move under the circumstances.”
The crowd seemed a little uncertain about this for a second or two until someone pointed out how much this would increase the value of the leaves in their pockets whereupon they let out whoops of delight and gave the Management Consultant a standing ovation. The accountants amongst them looked forward to a profitable Autumn.
“You’re all mad,” explained Ford Prefect.
“You’re absolutely barmy,” he suggested.

“我猜想，”這個女孩說，她跑到艦長跟前，他已經開始打噸兒了，“接下來他想拍一部關於你的電影，艦長。”
“噢，是嗎？”他說，恢復了清醒，”那真是太好了。”
“他已經找到了一個非常有力的角度，你知道，責任的重負，領袖的孤獨”
艦長哼哼哈哈了一番。
“嗯，我不會過分強調這個角度，你知道，”他最後說，“一個人有橡皮鴨子作伴是不會孤獨的，”
他把鴨子高高舉了起來，於是它也被感激的人羣傳遞了一圈。
這段時間內，那個管理諮詢顧問一直安靜地坐在石頭上，指尖壓着太陽穴，顯得正在等待着什麼，並且如果有必要的話，他會等上一整天。
而就在此刻，他決定自己畢竟不會等上一整天，他只需要假裝剛纔遮半小時不曾存在過就行了。
他站起身來。
“如果，”他簡潔地說，“我們可以暫時把討論的主題轉移到財政政策上的話…”
“財政政策！”福特長官叫道，“財政政繁！”
管理諮詢順問看了他一眼，只有肺魚纔會有那種服神。
“財政政策”他重複了一句，“我是說。”
“如果你們中沒有人實際生產出任何東西的話，”福特問，“你怎麼會有錢呢？要知道，錢不會從樹上長出來。”
“如果你允許我繼續說下去的話”
福特沮喪地點點頭。
“謝謝。由於我們在幾周之前已經決定以樹葉作爲法定的支付品，所以，我們大家當然也就變得非常富裕了：”
福特難以置信地盯着人羣，他們正高興地嘀咕着這件事情，還貪婪地指着他們條紋衫上綴着的一沓一沓的樹葉。
“不過，我們同時，”管理諮詢顧問繼續說道，“也碰到了一個小小的通貨膨脹問題，因爲樹葉太容易得到了。這也就意味着，根據我的推測，目前大約是3片落葉林才能購買一顆飛船。”
人羣中傳出驚恐的咕噥聲。管理諮詢顧問揮手示意他們安靜。
“所以，爲了解決這個問題，”他繼續說道，“並且有效地重新估算樹葉的價值，我們即將展開一場規模巨大的落葉戰役，並且……嗯，燒掉所有的森林，我想你們大家都會同意，在目前的情況下，這是一種明智的行爲，”
一時間，人們對這個問題似乎有些不確定，直到有人指出這將使他們兜裏的樹葉增值多少多少：人羣於是爆發出一片歡呼，起立爲管理諮詢顧問大聲喝彩！他們中的會計師們已經預見到了一個收益頗豐的秋天……
“你們全都瘋了。”福特長官嚷道，
“你們絕對是神經錯亂了！”他指出。