我分別在30歲和35歲的時候流產了
Four years ago, six weeks into a wanted pregnancy, I woke up bleeding. Thick globs of blood dropped out of me, staining my inner thighs and clothing. I called a consulting nurse, who calmly walked me through a few questions. Bleeding is normal, she assured me, as I sat silently on the other end of the line, not believing a single word that came out of her mouth. I hated her. I hated my body for what felt like a betrayal.
四年前，我意外懷孕六週，醒來的時候出血了。濃濃的血液一股股的流了出來，染紅了我的大腿內側和衣服。我打電話給了諮詢護士，她冷靜的問了我幾個問題。流血是正常的，她向我保證道，而我在電話線的另一頭安靜的坐着，根本不相信她說的話。我恨她。我恨我的身體，感覺自己遭到了背叛。The nurse told me to wait a few hours and, if I was still bleeding, to come in so they could draw my blood to check my hCG level. Human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG, is a hormone that doubles every two to three days during early pregnancy.
護士讓我再等幾個小時，如果我還是流血的話，再去醫院，他們就可以抽血檢查我的絨毛膜促性腺素（hCG）水平了。絨毛膜促性腺素是懷孕初期每兩至三天就會翻一番的激素。That afternoon, the bleeding had become heavier. I went in for the blood test. The next morning, my doctor called with the results, telling me that they were inconclusive and that I should probably come in for another test tomorrow. But I didn't need another test to tell me what I already knew.
那天下午，出血更嚴重了。我去醫院做了血液檢查。第二天早上，醫生打電話告訴我結果，稱他們不是很確定，希望我明天再去做一項檢查。但我已經知道結果了，根本不需要再做檢查。
It was a full week before I stopped bleeding. To me, what I was losing was matter, cells-not a baby. And yet the matter annihilated my rational mind. In just six weeks of pregnancy, nothing in my life had really changed. And yet, as it slipped and oozed out of me and I was powerless to stop it, it was replaced by a screaming sense of loss.
整整一週我才停止出血。於我而言，失去了細胞--而非寶寶--真的很痛心。但這件事湮沒了我的理性思維。懷孕六週內，我的生活幾乎沒什麼改變。它悄悄地溜進了我的身體，又從我身上離去，我無力阻止，只能失落的尖叫着。The experience of pregnancy loss can be wildly divergent, even within one life.
即使只有一生可活，流產卻能帶來完全不一樣的經歷。My first miscarriage happened eight years ago, just days after a doctor's appointment. My doctor at the time had asked me a routine question-the date of my last period. I couldn't quite remember, and then I realized it had been more than six weeks earlier.
我第一次流產是在八年前，和醫生預約好之後，沒過幾天就流產了。那時候，我的醫生問了我一些常規的問題--上一次來大姨媽的時間。我不大記得了，然後纔想起來，好像是6周前。She ordered a urine test; I was pregnant. I wandered out of the clinic and called a friend, who within minutes picked me up in a nearby IHOP parking lot. A few hours later, my boyfriend, who would later become my husband, picked me up at her apartment, where I had been sitting on the couch crying.
她讓我做了尿檢；我懷孕了。我走出診所，打電話給了一個朋友，沒幾分鐘她就在附近的IHOP停車場接我了。幾個小時後，我的男朋友，後來成爲我的丈夫，在朋友的公寓裏接我回家，而我已經在她家的沙發上哭了好長時間。
