我總覺得自己活不到40歲

I never planned on seeing 40

我總覺得自己活不到40歲

I was sitting in my car on Monday, waiting outside of the building where my next meeting was scheduled to soon begin, scrolling through my Twitter feed, reading tweets about articles and laughing. My laughter stopped when I saw that NFL wide receiver Charles Rogers had died. The former Detroit Lion — the second overall pick in the 2003 draft — was only 38. Now that I'm well into my thirties, 38 seems so young. But if I'm honest, for much of my life, 38 seemed impossibly out of reach. At one time, my friends and I never planned on seeing 40.

週一，將車停在一棟大樓外面後，我坐在車裏，瀏覽着推特上的推文大笑，等着即將到來的會議。當我看到全美橄欖球聯盟的明星接球手查爾斯·羅傑斯（Charles Rogers）去世的新聞時，我再也笑不出來了。先前，他以第二順位被底特律雄獅隊選中，卻僅享年38歲。現在，我已經30多歲了，38歲似乎還正是年輕的時候。但說實話，我總覺得38歲遙不可及。曾幾何時，我和我的朋友都認爲我們見不到40歲的太陽。

I remembered watching Rogers play for Michigan State back when I was really into football. Not because I loved the game. I loved to gamble, and the gambler in me knew the dude was an amazing talent: super fast with good hands. And like many black athletes with pro potential, he came from a rough neighborhood: Saginaw, Michigan, a place where sports is treated like a way out. Rodgers played two years in the NFL before injuries and drug use — he became addicted to painkillers — ended his career. Reports tied his death to cancer; his mother told the New York Times that the official cause of death was liver failure.

我年輕時也喜歡橄欖球，那時羅傑斯還在爲密歇根州立大學效力。我並不是真的喜歡橄欖球，而是喜歡賭球的狀態，我內心深知，這個傢伙很有天賦：接球非常快。和許多具有職業潛力的黑人運動員一樣，他的生活環境並不好：密歇根州薩吉諾市，那裏的人認爲學體育是一條出路。羅傑斯在全美橄欖球聯盟效力了兩年，之後因受傷和毒品使用（磕止痛藥）結束了他的職業生涯。有報道稱他的離世與癌症有關；但他的母親在接受《紐約時報》採訪時表示，他死於肝衰竭。

On my social media feeds, I see ghosts: scores of guys I once knew, who didn't see 25, who linger on through old accounts and memorial posts. Sometimes I spot myself in those old photos, the one face still alive in a group of people who aren't. I think about those days and how longevity wasn't a concept we grasped; never mind thinking about routine checkups or retirement planning, or imagining ourselves going grey with wrinkled faces and round bellies.

在社交媒體推文上，我似乎看到了一些殘影：幾十個我曾認識的人，他們都沒有活到25歲，他們的舊賬戶和紀念性發文提醒着我：他們曾來過。有時我會在那些舊照片中看到自己，被一羣已故人士包圍着。我回想起當年相處的那些日子，我們都覺得自己活不長；也從不考慮定期檢查或制定退休計劃，從不會想象自己頭髮花白、滿臉皺紋、大腹便便的樣子。

Now it seems like I'm one of the few guys from that era and scene left. Now I have to consider my health, my wellness, what my tomorrows will hold. My childhood friends are gone, but I have family and team members who rely on me now. I'm married, and we're expecting a child. That means I have to work through the fear, and try to push forward.

現在看來，我是那個時代還活着的少數幾個人中的一個。現在，我必須考慮自己的健康，幸福以及明天的生活。我兒時的朋友去世了，但我的家人和團隊成員仍需要我。我結婚了，也正在期待新生命的到來。這意味着我必須克服恐懼，奮力前行。

He never saw 40. I hope I make it.

他沒有看到40歲的太陽，我希望我可以。