海倫·凱勒自傳《我的生活》第3期

Chapter II

第二章

I cannot recall what happened during the first months after my illness. I only know that I sat in my mother's lap or clung to her dress as she went about her household duties. My hands felt every object and observed every motion, and in this way I learned to know many things. Soon I felt the need of some communication with others and began to make crude signs. A shake of the head meant "No" and a nod, "Yes," a pull meant "Come" and a push, "Go." Was it bread that I wanted? Then I would imitate the acts of cutting the slices and buttering them. If I wanted my mother to make ice-cream for dinner I made the sign for working the freezer and shivered, indicating cold. My mother, moreover, succeeded in making me understand a good deal. I always knew when she wished me to bring her something, and I would run upstairs or anywhere else she indicated. Indeed, I owe to her loving wisdom all that was bright and good in my long night.

在我生病之後的頭一個月裏發生了什麼，我已經記不得了。我只知道我曾坐在母親的腿上，或者在她做家務的時候緊緊地依附在她的衣服上。我的雙手可以感知每一種物體的形狀，也可以“觀察”每一個移動的物體，正是通過這種方式，我瞭解了許多事情。後來，我覺得我需要同他人進行交流，於是我開始做出一些簡單的舉動。比如用搖頭表示“不”，用點頭表示“行”；往回拉的動作表示“回來”，向外推則表示“去”。如果我想吃麪包怎麼辦？我會模仿切面包片，然後往上塗抹黃油的動作。假如我想讓母親在晚餐時做點冰激凌吃，我就會做出攪動和渾身顫抖的動作，這表示“冰涼”。此外，我的母親也成功地讓我領會了很多事情。當她想讓我爲她拿東西的時候，我馬上就能理解，我會跑到樓上或者她告訴我的其他任何地方。事實上，在夤夜漫漫的生活中，我要感謝母親用她富於智慧的無私之愛驅除掉我身邊的黑暗，讓我體會到生命的美好。

I understood a good deal of what was going on about me. At five I learned to fold and put away the clean clothes when they were brought in from the laundry, and I distinguished my own from the rest. I knew by the way my mother and aunt dressed when they were going out, and I invariably begged to go with them. I was always sent for when there was company, and when the guests took their leave, I waved my hand to them, I think with a vague remembrance of the meaning of the gesture. One day some gentlemen called on my mother, and I felt the shutting of the front door and other sounds that indicated their arrival. On a sudden thought I ran upstairs before any one could stop me, to put on my idea of a company dress. Standing before the mirror, as I had seen others do, I anointed mine head with oil and covered my face thickly with powder. Then I pinned a veil over my head so that it covered my face and fell in folds down to my shoulders, and tied an enormous bustle round my small waist, so that it dangled behind, almost meeting the hem of my skirt. Thus attired I went down to help entertain the company.

我明白我的未來所面臨的巨大考驗。在我五歲的時候，我學會了把乾淨的衣服疊好並且收起來，而且，在洗衣房送來的衣物中，我會辨別出哪些是自己的衣服。通過這種方式，我也順便知道了母親和姨媽會在什麼時候外出。我總是央求她們帶我一起去。家裏有客人來的時候，我會主動打招呼；當他們走的時候，我會朝他們揮手道別。當然，關於那些手勢的記憶是含混不清的。有一天，一些紳士邀請我母親外出，我感覺到了大門關閉的震動和他們離去的聲音。一個突如其來的念頭令我跑上了樓，我穿上了外出的禮服，站在鏡子前。就像其他人做的那樣，我往自己的頭上抹油，還往自己的臉上塗滿厚厚的香粉。隨後，我在頭上別了一塊麪紗，於是我的臉和肩膀全都埋進了面紗的褶皺裏。我還在腰間繫了一個碩大的繩結，繩結懸垂在身後，幾乎碰到了裙角。帶着這身打扮，我會下樓逗衆人開心。

I do not remember when I first realized that I was different from other people; but I knew it before my teacher came to me. I had noticed that my mother and my friends did not use signs as I did when they wanted anything done, but talked with their mouths. Sometimes I stood between two persons who were conversing and touched their lips. I could not understand, and was vexed. I moved my lips and gesticulated frantically without result. This made me so angry at times that I kicked and screamed until I was exhausted.

至於我第一次意識到自己同別人不同時的感受，我已經不記得了；但是在我的老師到來之前，我就知道自己與衆不同。我注意到我的母親和我的朋友們都不像我這樣，她們在做事時不會使用手勢，而是用嘴交談就行了。有時候，我會站在兩個談話的大人之間，用手去摸他們的嘴脣。我無法理解，而且懊惱異常。於是，我試着移動自己的嘴脣，並且瘋狂而徒勞地進行模仿。無奈的舉動令我如此憤怒，我又踢又叫，直至筋疲力盡。

I think I knew when I was naughty, for I knew that it hurt Ella, my nurse, to kick her, and when my fit of temper was over I had a feeling akin to regret. But I cannot remember any instance in which this feeling prevented me from repeating the naughtiness when I failed to get what I wanted.

我想，那時候我知道自己的乖戾頑皮，因爲我記得我傷害過我的保姆埃拉，我曾踢過她。狂暴過後，我就會生出幾分懊悔，但是我不記得這種歉疚感有沒有令我的胡鬧收斂一些。

In those days a little coloured girl, Martha Washington, the child of our cook, and Belle, an old setter and a great hunter in her day, were my constant companions. Martha Washington understood my signs, and I seldom had any difficulty in making her do just as I wished. It pleased me to domineer over her, and she generally submitted to my tyranny rather than risk a hand-to-hand encounter. I was strong, active, indifferent to consequences. I knew my own mind well enough and always had my own way, even if I had to fight tooth and nail for it. We spent a great deal of time in the kitchen, kneading dough balls, helping make ice-cream, grinding coffee, quarreling over the cake-bowl, and feeding the hens and turkeys that swarmed about the kitchen steps. Many of them were so tame that they would eat from my hand and let me feel them. One big gobbler snatched a tomato from me one day and ran away with it. Inspired, perhaps, by Master Gobbler's success, we carried off to the woodpile a cake which the cook had justfrosted, and ate every bit of it. I was quite ill afterward, and I wonder if retribution also overtook the turkey.

在早年的歲月，我有兩個忠實的夥伴，那個打扮得花枝招展的小姑娘叫瑪莎·華盛頓，她是我家廚師的孩子；還有貝拉，她是一隻非常出色的老獵犬。瑪莎·華盛頓明白我的手勢，所以同她交流我很少遇到困難，她總是能夠聽命於我。在她面前發號施令讓我感到高興。在通常情況下，她總是遷就於我的蠻橫和專制，而且不會冒險同我作正面衝突。我感受着自己的強大，進取，而並不在意後果如何。我十分清楚自己的念頭，但總是一意孤行，我甚至會用牙齒和指甲相脅，以此來滿足自己的要求。我們花了大量的時間在廚房裏幫工，揉麪團兒，做冰激凌，研磨咖啡豆，爲烤制蛋糕爭吵不休，給聚集在廚房臺階上的母雞和火雞餵食。這些家禽都很溫順，它們會從我手裏取食，從而讓我感受到它們的存在。有一天，一隻碩大的雄火雞從我手裏叼走了一個番茄，然後迅速跑掉了。當時，或許是受到了“高博勒先生”成功經驗的鼓舞，我們贏得了一個蛋糕，廚子剛剛在上面撒了一層糖霜，蛋糕被我們一點一點地吃掉了。後來我生了一場大病，我不知道這是不是因爲追趕火雞而遭受的報應。