雙語散文:翅膀斷了,我心飛翔

【英文原文】

The Person I'm Supposed to Be

摘要："我相信痛苦會讓我們體驗到我們自己，以及生活的真諦：力量，同理心及勇氣的培養，比我們自身的享受更重要"

There's a wretched place depression drags me off to after taking control of my thoughts and feelings. It's the place where the longing for relief mutes every other desire, even the desire to wake up in the morning. There are days when I wonder if I'll lose everything: my job, my relationships, my last stitch of sanity. It feels as though I'm breathing hot black smoke.

Yet I believe the same depressions that pin me to the mat so often Also serve a bigger purpose in my life. They don't come empty-handed. I believe the purpose of suffering is to strengthen us and help us understand the suffering of others.

At 16, my first episode hit me hard enough to think I'd literally gone to hell. Now, at 35, when I start dreaming of haunted houses and worrying uncontrollably about the future, I know another episode is looming. I've got a week's notice, maybe two. And then it's as if I'm drifting off to exile inside myself with only a shell remaining.

It used to be that rising from the ash after the depression cleared was like resurrection. The burial over, I'd catch myself laughing or looking forward to the next day. I'd pig out at my favorite deli. But now, when I look closely, I find mental illness leaving other significant gifts in its wake — things I didn't discern when I was younger.

The discovery is like that scene from The Matrix when Neo finally comprehends his identity. Through the whole film, he's been beaten up by evil agents. But the fighting transforms him into a warrior. And at the right time, he understands and uses his power. He's peaceful, even when confronting an enemy. I believe my own years of struggling with depression have left me with similar gifts: inner strength and calm I can rely on, diminished fear and compassion.

I believe the painful nights that close in on all of us in some form are the cocoons from which we might shed our weaknesses. I believe pain tells us something critical about ourselves and life: that developing strength and empathy and bravery is more essential than our personal comfort. And when I think of it like that, I'm more willing to accept suffering on its terms.

That's important, because if my pattern holds consistent, my next episode is due to arrive soon. I live with this reality, but I'm no longer afraid of it. The depression has, in the end, equipped me for its next visit — and that's enough. Of course, I'll take my medicine. I'll talk to my gifted psychiatrist. But when the dark does come, I'll stand up and breathe deeply, knowing I'm becoming the person I'm supposed to be.

Independently produced for All Things Considered by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with Viki Merrick.

【中文譯文】

"我相信痛苦會讓我們體驗到我們自己，以及生活的真諦：力量，同理心及勇氣的培養，比我們自身的享受更重要"

當低沉的情緒佔據我的思想與感受後，它把我拉到一個悲慘的地方。在那裏我唯一的渴望就是擺脫這種沮喪，我甚至不想在早上醒來。我曾經想過，如果我失去了一切：工作，家人，朋友以及最後的一絲理性，那種情形就彷彿呼吸在滾燙的黑色煙塵中。

但我相信，那種把我擊倒在牀墊上的沮喪，還有更大的目的。他們不是空手來的。我相信痛苦的意義就是讓我們更堅強，並且讓我們理解別人的痛苦。

16歲的時候，我憂鬱症第一次發作，它是如此的令人痛苦以至於讓我覺得我肯定完蛋了。現在，我35歲了，當我開始夢見鬧鬼的房子，並且抑制不住擔心未來時，我知道又一次發作正在迫近。我有一到兩個星期的預警時間。然後我就躲進自己的世界，自我放逐，僅留下一個外殼。

曾經，從被沮喪侵襲後留下的廢墟中站起來就像是一次死而復生。葬禮過去了，我要讓自己高興起來期待明天。我要大吃我最喜歡的食品。但現在，我仔細的觀察， 我發現憂鬱症發作時留下了其它更重要的禮物--當我小的時候沒有發現的事情。

這個發現就像“駭客帝國”中，尼奧最終理解了自己的身份的那個場景。他在整部影片中一直被邪惡特工（evil agent）痛打。但這樣的鬥爭使他成爲了勇士。然後在關鍵時刻， 他認識到並使用了他自己的力量。他很平靜，即便是面對敵人時也那樣。我相信我與沮喪鬥爭的這些年，賦予了我相同的才能：我依靠內心的力量與平靜，我不再害怕， 並且同情他人。

我相信，我們每個人都經歷過被痛苦包圍的夜晚，不管這些痛苦是什麼， 我們都可以通過它們蛻去我們的軟弱。我相信，痛苦告訴我們，一些我們自己以及生活的真諦：力量，同理心及勇氣的培養，比我們自身的享受更重要。當我這樣去理解痛苦時， 痛苦便不再可怕。

這很重要，因爲如果我的病是持續有規律的，我的下一次發作就在眼前。我活在這樣的現實中，但我不再害怕。 這些年來，沮喪已經幫我爲下一次低潮的來臨做好準備。這已經足夠了。當然，我會吃藥。我那高明的精神病醫生會給我治療。但當低潮真正來臨時，我會站起來，深呼吸，知道我將成爲我應該成爲的那個人.