約會時我們究竟該聊些什麼 The End of Small Talk
When my relationship unraveled nearly two years ago, I decided to suspend my career as an actuary in Boston and take a long vacation in Costa Rica, where I planned to learn how to surf and do yoga. Yes, it was the most clichéd response possible for a heartbroken 32-year-old Westerner like me.
兩年前，一段感情結束後，我決定暫停自己在波士頓的精算師職業生涯，到哥斯達黎加休個長假，在那裏學衝浪、練瑜伽。沒錯，對於像我這樣的一個處在心碎之中的32歲西方人來說，這是最爲俗套的一種應對方法。
After four weeks there, I was traveling by car with several friends I had met at surf school when we came upon a red-faced, middle-aged woman hitchhiking on the outskirts of a small village. Our radio was broken and we were bored, so one woman in our group, Abby, said: “We’ll offer you a ride on two conditions. First, you must sing us a song, and then you have to tell us a story. Do you accept?”
到那四周以後，在和幾個衝浪學校認識的朋友乘車旅行的途中，我們偶然認識了一個臉頰緋紅的中年女子，她剛徒步走到一個小村莊外。我們的收音機壞了，有點無聊，所以我們中一個叫阿比的女人說：“如果你答應兩個條件，我們就載你一程。一個是給我們唱首歌，然後給我們講個故事。你同意嗎？
The hitchhiker, an American, responded with a crooked smile and a nod, freeing her hair from behind a Disney visor. “What would you like me to sing?” she asked.
這個徒步者是個美國人，她狡黠一笑，點點頭，摘掉頭上的迪斯尼遮陽帽。“你們想讓我唱什麼歌？”她問。
“Anything you like,” I told her, “as long as it’s by Rod Stewart.”
“隨你喜歡，”我告訴她，“只要是羅德·斯圖爾特(Rod Stewart)的就行。”
One rendition of “Maggie May” later, her story began.
演繹了一首《瑪吉·梅》(Maggie May)之後，她開始講故事。
“It’s interesting you ask me to tell you a story,” she said, “because I’m living in the middle of a love story right now. I came to Costa Rica one year ago and met the man of my dreams. He was selling jewelry at a stand in the market. He’s Italian, and as soon as I spoke to him I felt something I hadn’t felt in my whole life. It overtook me. Love like in the movies, but this was real.”
“挺有意思的，你說讓我講個故事，”她說，“我現在碰巧在談一場戀愛。一年前，我來到哥斯達黎加，遇到了我理想中的愛人。當時他正在市場裏的一個攤位上賣珠寶。他是意大利人，和他說話的一剎那，我有種這輩子都沒有過的感覺。這種感覺傳遍全身。聽起來好像是電影裏的愛情，但這是真的。”
This was promising.
這讓人覺得人生充滿希望。
“So you’re here to see him?” one of my companions asked.
“所以你是來這裏見他？”其中一位同伴問道。
“Yes, absolutely, dear. I’m heading into town now to see him for the first time in 12 months.”
“是啊，當然啦，親愛的。我現在正要進城去看他，我已經12個月沒見到他了。”
We broke into huge grins; we too were now characters in her story, deliverers of love from a dusty roadside to the man of her dreams.
我們都綻放出笑容；我們現在也是她故事中的角色了，要從一條塵土飛揚的路上把愛送到她的夢中愛人那裏。
“Does he feel the same way?” Abby asked.
“他也是同樣的感覺嗎？”阿比問。
“Yes, he emails me every day to tell me so.”
“對，他每天都跟我發郵件這麼講。”
I turned to her. “Are you excited to see him?”
我轉過身問她。“去見他你激動嗎？”
“I haven’t thought about anything else for an entire year.”
“我一整年都在想這一件事。”
“So you came all this way alone to see him?” I asked.
“所以你大老遠自己來看他？”我問。
“Well, I had to, didn’t I? It was breaking my heart to be away from him.” She paused for a breath. “Although my husband came too; he’s back at the house.”
“呃，我沒得選，不是嗎？見不到他，我的心都要碎了。”她喘了口氣。“不過我丈夫也來了；他現在待在我們的住處。”
Our hands shot up with questions.
我們開始搶着問她怎麼回事。
After my trip, I was eating steak at a Boston bar, still mourning that the woman I thought I would marry, Alejandra, had broken up with me. I’d met her five years earlier, and she was, in every way imaginable, an inspiration to me. She was the woman who taught me about love.
旅行結束後，有一天我在波士頓的一家酒吧吃牛排，還在懷念我原以爲會跟我結婚結果跟分了手的女人亞歷杭德拉(Alejandra)。那時候我們已經認識五年了，在你能想象到的各個方面，她都能給我帶來啓發。是她教會了我如何去愛。
Next to me at the bar was a couple on their first date. I could tell because their conversation reminded me of those awkward exchanges you have with co-workers’ spouses at Christmas parties. They opened with a discussion about their commutes to the bar. They both lived within a 10-minute bus ride, and they managed to stretch out this topic for 30 minutes.
鄰桌是一對初次約會的情侶。我能看出來，是因爲他們的談話讓我想起了在聖誕節派對與同事的配偶之間的那種尷尬對話。他們先說起自己如何乘車來的酒吧。儘管二人的住處離酒吧都只有10分鐘的車程，但他們活活把這個話題講了30分鐘。
Next up, the weather: In Boston it rains sometimes, and they had both noticed this. An hour in, they turned to the really deep stuff. One was a teacher, and the other knew a teacher. How could they be destined for anything other than true love?
接下來就是談天氣：波士頓有時會下雨，他們之前都注意到了這點。一小時過去，他們纔開始講到真正深入的內容。他們一個是教師，另一個認識一位教師。他們這不是天生一對是什麼？
O.K., so I may have been directing some of my brokenhearted anger at them, but all I could think was that I wanted no part of this game. If being single meant having to partake in this kind of conversation, I’d rather pass. How could I go from the deep connection I had with Alejandra to discussing bus schedules and weather patterns?
好吧，我可能一直在把自己的一些悲痛欲絕的憤怒轉移到他們身上，但我只有一個念頭，我一點也不想參與這種遊戲。如果單身就意味着必須參與這種談話，我可不要。有過和亞歷杭德拉那種深入的談話，我怎麼還能在約會的時候這麼談論乘車計劃和天氣模式？
I thought back to a dusty roadside in Costa Rica and the woman who shared her heart with four strangers. Why couldn’t we all embrace her openness? Why did being with a stranger so often mean we couldn’t immediately talk about meaningful things?
我又想起在哥斯達黎加灰撲撲的路邊認識的那位和四個陌生人分享內心感受的女人。爲什麼我們不能都像她那樣坦誠？爲什麼面對陌生人我們就不能馬上談論有意義的話題？
With this in mind, I decided to approach my re-entry to dating with a no-small-talk policy. Not that I would insist we talk only about heartfelt subjects; ideally, there would also be plenty of flirtatious joking and witty banter. I simply wanted to eliminate the dull droning on about facts and figures — whether it’s snowing or raining, how cold it is, what we do for work, how long it takes to get to work, where we went to school — all those things that we think we have to talk about with someone new but that tell us little about who the person really is.
想到這裏，我決定依照不寒暄的原則重新開始約會。並不是說我要堅持只談掏心窩的話題；理想情況下，可能也會有不少調情的玩笑話和打趣的機靈話。我只是想去掉有關事實和數字的無聊的長篇大論——是下雪還是下雨，天有多冷，做什麼工作，去上班要花多長時間，在哪上的學——這些都是我們覺得跟新認識的人必須談的東西，但你從這些談話中幾乎沒法知道這到底是個什麼樣的人。
Why can’t we replace small talk with big talk and ask each other profound questions right from the start? Replace mindless chatter about commuting times with a conversation about our weightiest beliefs and most potent fears? Questions that reveal who we are and where we want to go?
我們爲什麼不能捨掉這些閒扯，講些重要的事，從一開始就問彼此一些深刻的話題？不單調無聊地談論通勤時間，而是談彼此最重要的信仰和最深的憂慮？談論那些能體現出我們到底是什麼樣的人，以及想要往哪裏去的話題？
Admittedly, there were some issues with this policy, as my friends were more than happy to point out. They argued that some are not comfortable jumping directly into big talk, reasoning that certain people find small talk relaxing.
無可否認，這項原則存在一些問題，就像我的朋友們很樂於指出的那樣。他們認爲，一上來就談論大話題，有些人會不舒服，也有些人會覺得談論那類小話題讓他們比較放鬆。
This is undoubtedly true. But another friend countered: “If she isn’t comfortable with it, then she probably isn’t right for you anyway. Your plan is a great way to filter.”
這當然也是實情。但還有一位朋友反駁：“如果她對談論大話題感到不舒服，那她可能就不是你要找的人。這是你過濾不合適人選的好辦法。”
This friend operates his own bizarre filtering system by bringing women coconuts on first dates, claiming that any woman who doesn’t accept the coconut isn’t marriage material. Why? I have no idea. Even so, I accepted his opinion for what it was.
這位朋友有他自己比較古怪的過濾方式，就是在第一次約會的時候給女伴帶椰子，如果哪個女人不接受他的椰子，就不是合適的結婚對象。爲什麼？我不知道。即便如此，我還是接受了他這種觀點。
Another common complaint: You can’t ask big questions until you know the answers to the small ones; you need facts to know where to dig deeper. I’d argue, however, that you can elevate any question from small talk to big talk with a little tweaking.
另一種常見的抱怨是：在知道那些小問題的答案之前，你沒法問大問題；你需要知道基本情況才能談更深入的問題。但是我會說，稍微用一點技巧，任何從小話題開始的問題都能轉換成大問題。
One of the common questions I find myself asking a woman on a first date is where she has traveled. The response can quickly become a list of places, and once again we’re in résumé territory. So instead I’d ask, “What place most inspired you and why?”
在第一次約會時，我最經常問對方的問題之一是，她去過些什麼地方。對方很可能會開始列單子，於是我們再度進入個人簡介地帶。因此我改成這樣問，“什麼地方讓你覺得最受啓發，爲什麼？”
Rather than ask about her job, I would ask, “What work are you passionate about?”
與其問她從事什麼行業，我寧可問：“你對什麼樣的工作會有熱情？”
I wouldn’t ask about her longest relationship, as if length equals depth. Instead, I’d ask, “What’s the most in love you’ve ever felt?”
我不會去探詢她所有感情關係裏，歷時最長的那一段，好像關係持續的時間就等同於關係的深度一樣。反之，我會問：“你曾經感受過最深刻的愛情，是怎樣的呢？”
My first chance to put this new strategy into practice came with a woman I met at a party a few weeks later. She laughed when I explained my theory on big talk versus small talk and agreed to be the guinea pig.
這個新策略第一次派上用場的機會，是在幾周後，我在一個聚會上遇見了一個女人。當我向她解釋我的“深談與閒聊理論”的時候，她笑了，也同意作我的實驗對象。
She was moving away the next week, so we both knew we’d have only this one date, but we pledged to do all we could to avoid small talk. That night, we talked big and we talked deep. I learned about her brother’s drug problem, about the ex she had left years before and about the feelings she still had for him.
由於她下週就要搬離這個地方，所以我們都知道這是彼此僅有的一次約會，不過我倆都誓言要儘可能地避免沒深度的寒暄。那天晚上，我們談話的內容既重要、又深入。我得知了她兄弟的藥物濫用問題，還有她對數年前分手的男友仍懷抱着的情愫。
But we also joked about things both silly and shallow, managing to convince strangers that we had met in a fairground bumper-car accident, and recoiling in mock fright from a meal that was still wiggling on our plates. We laughed and we cried, and we learned nothing that would go on a résumé. Later, we kissed.
不過我們也拿傻氣又膚淺的事情來開玩笑，讓陌生人相信我們是在露天遊樂場玩碰碰車發生意外而相識的。我們在看到食物還在餐盤上扭動的時候，往後一縮，假裝驚聲尖叫。我們歡笑、流淚，我們對彼此的瞭解，都是些進不了簡歷的東西。後來，我們接吻了。
Since then, staying away from small talk has brought me one positive experience after another. Every date has turned into a real connection, or at worst, a funny story. All it takes is a willingness to dive into conversations that may make us uncomfortable or that many believe to be inappropriate for first encounters. After a while, though, it becomes natural to skip the facts and instead seek out our deepest thoughts and feelings.
從此以後，避開閒聊帶給我一次又一次正面的經驗。每次約會，都成爲與對方產生真切連結的時刻，再不濟也會是個有趣的故事。想要得到這樣的結果，只要願意投入可能會令我們不悅的對話，或是許多人認爲初次見面時不宜討論的話題。一段時間以後，我們自然而然就會略過事實，轉而尋找彼此最深刻的思想與感受。
My life moved on. I dated, traveled and started a new job. After a month of work, I went on a business trip with a new colleague. On the first night away, I found myself engaging in one of those dull work conversations people use to fill the time. My colleague was telling me the basics of his schooling, family and home.
我的生命繼續向前。我約會、旅行、拾起了一份新的差事。到職一個月以後，某次我和一個新同事一起出公差。就在旅途第一天晚上，我發現自己投入了一段那種人們用來打發時間的、乏味的職場對話。我同事當時正在告訴我他的學歷、家庭、住宅的種種基本資訊。
“So how long does it take you to get to the office?” I heard myself ask. Then I stopped in horror.
“所以爲了去上班，你要花多久時間呢？”我聽到自己這麼問他。然後我在震驚中打住了。
I remembered the dusty hitchhiker in Costa Rica, the dates and the meaningful connections I’d made by escaping small talk. Even though my colleague and I weren’t on a date, we would still be spending a lot of time together in the foreseeable future, on business trips both short and long.
我回想起在哥斯達黎加，那個風塵僕僕的搭車客；那些在擺脫閒聊之後，我曾有過的約會和充滿意義的連結。即便我跟同事不是在約會，在不久的將來，我們仍會爲了或長或短的公差，一起度過很多時間。
I took a deep breath and asked, “Why did you fall in love with your wife?”
於是我深深吸一口氣，問他：“你爲什麼會愛上你太太？”
He looked at me oddly, thought about it for a moment and then told me something beautiful.
他用奇怪的眼光看着我，思索了一會兒，然後對我說了一個美麗的故事。
