雙語散文:讓昨日隨風

On Saturday, February 12 two thousand, two things happened that changed everything in my life. The first was that on this day my baby sister was married. She was twenty-six this day, and yet to me she was still my baby sister. I suppose that I pictured her as a little girl, and treated her like one in order to hold onto and 1)preserve my own youth. Until I saw her in her wedding dress I still had a vision of her with 2)chubby little cheeks and long, dark-brown 3)pigtails blowing in the wind, perhaps even a 4)permanent 5)smudge of chocolate around her pink lips. I guess it's true that you see only what you want to see. Where did this beautiful woman with the glowing 6)complexion and gentle curves come from?

I was happy that day, and also sad. Gone were the days of me bossing her around and telling her what she should do with her life. My bossy behavior had earned me the nickname Lucy. If you are a Peanuts fan then you can clearly imagine my behavior as an older sister. To me it wasn't an 7)insult; I rather like the nickname Lucy. I happen to think that Lucy is strong and has incredible self-confidence, although she is a little 8)overbearing at times. I did my best to 9)live up to the standards 10)set forth by this dynamic cartoon character.

I left the reception to get some air because suddenly I was overcome with grief at the realization that I was no longer a child. I went outside and walked to a nearby playground where there were children playing on the slide, the swings and digging in the dirt. There was a little girl 11)twirling around on a bar, one knee wrapped tightly around the bar and fashioned behind her knee. It was all I could do to sit there and just watch, for I too wanted to get on that bar with her and see if I could still hold the all-time twirling record (ninety-nine times in fifth grade). Somewhere inside I knew that I would break my neck, and I was wearing a 12)bridesmaid dress. Not exactly play ground material. And so I sat watching the children play. I'm not sure how long I sat there before my sister came and joined me. We talked about how we are grown up now and shed a few tears for our childhood days gone by. As she wiped a tear from my eye she lovingly said, "you'll always be Lucy to me." We hugged.

My cousin Mike walked over and told my sister that it was time to cut the cake. And then he dropped bomb number two on me. "Hey, did you guys hear that Charles Schultz died today?" He said it like it was no big deal. He took my sister's arm and turned to head back for the reception hall. "Coming?" They asked. "In a minute." I replied, and sat back down on the bench, 13)dizzy from what he had just told me.

Dead? How could Charles Schultz be dead? He was my creator! And though I have never met the man personally, he has always been like an invisible father to me. He did, after all, fashion a famous character after me. I lost so many things on this day. Innocence slipped away from me like a thief in the night: come and gone before I could do anything about it, taking with it all the treasures that I held most valuable in my heart. I felt myself grow up, all in one moment. Reality rushed in around me like a hurricane tide. There was nowhere to run to. All I could do was sit there and watch it destroy and reshape what had existed only a moment before. I was no longer a child. I was no longer Lucy who knew what was best for everyone else. I saw, for the first time, what I really was—a thirty-year old woman with a husband of my own, and soon, a child of my own.

I allowed the tide to carry my sadness out with it. Take it out to sea, for it serves no purpose in my life. I stood up from the bench; a little taller than I was when I sat down. I turned and headed back to the hall, hoping I didn't miss the cutting of the cake. It was the day my sister grew wings of her own and left the nest. It was the day that Lucy died, and I was born.

2000年2月12日，星期六，那天發生的兩件事改變了我的此後的生活。第一件是小妹妹那天結婚了。當時她已經26歲了，但對我來說，她還是我的小妹妹。我總是把她看作小女孩，也把她當一個小女孩來對待。我想這是因爲我希望通過這種方式來永葆青春。直到看到她身着婚紗的那一刻，浮現在我腦海的還是那個小圓臉蛋，長長的褐色馬尾巴在風中擺動的小女孩；也許還有一塊巧克力總是粘在她那粉紅色的嘴脣上。我想人總是看見自己想看的東西。眼前這位容光煥發、線條優美的女人是誰呢？

那天我既高興又傷心。過去我對她呼來喚去，告訴她生活應該怎樣過的日子已經一去不回了。因爲獨斷蠻橫我得到了露西這個外號。如果你也喜歡看《花生》這部動畫片，那你一定可以想象我作爲一個大姐姐的樣子。我不覺得這個外號是一種侮辱，反倒很喜歡它。我有時還想，強大的露西自信得令人難以置信，雖然她有時也讓人難以忍受。我努力向這個生氣勃勃的卡通形象看齊。

我離開了婚禮現場，到外面去呼吸些新鮮空氣。我突然傷感不已，因爲自己已經不再是個孩子了。我走到外面，來到附近的一個運動場邊，小孩子正在那裏玩滑梯、盪鞦韆、玩泥沙。有個小女孩正在一個槓上快速地轉動，一條腿緊緊地勾在槓上。而我所能做的只是坐在那裏看看，我也想跟她一起玩，看看能否再重現當年自己轉圈的最高記錄（五年級時一次達到99次）。但我很清楚，這樣我可能會扭斷脖子。再說我正穿着伴娘服，不適合運動。於是我只好坐在那裏看孩子們玩耍。不知過了多久，妹妹來到我身邊。我們談起自己已經長大了，併爲逝去的孩童時光流下了淚。她替我擦乾眼淚，充滿愛意地說：“你永遠都是我的露西。” 我們擁抱在了一起。

表弟邁克走過來告訴妹妹該切蛋糕了。接着他給我扔下了第二顆炸彈。“嘿，你們知道查爾斯·舒爾茲今天去世了嗎？”他說得很輕鬆，然後挽着妹妹的手臂向婚禮現場走去。“來嗎？”他們問道。“等會兒，”我回答說，又在椅子上坐了下來，他剛剛告訴我的消息讓我眩暈。

去世了？查爾斯·舒爾茲怎麼可能會去世呢？是他創造了我！雖然我從來沒和他見過面，但對於我來說，他一直都像是一位看不見的父親一樣。他畢竟爲我創造了一個有名的角色。就在那一天，我失去了那麼多東西，童真就像一個在夜裏行竊的小偷一樣，無聲無息地溜走了：在我還來不及做點什麼的時候就已經走了，帶走了我心底深處最寶貴的財富。就在那一刻，我意識到自己已經長大了。現實像暴風浪一樣向我襲來。我無處可逃。我只能坐在那裏，看着它把剛剛還存在的東西毀掉，接着又重塑。我不再是個孩子。我不再是知道那個神通廣大的露西了。我第一次意識到真正的我——一個有自己的丈夫，很快會有我們的孩子的三十歲的女人。

我任由巨浪帶走我的悲傷，送到大海中去。因爲它對於我的生命來說再沒什麼意義了。我從椅子上站了起來，比我坐着時高了一些。我轉身向婚禮現場走去，希望沒錯過切蛋糕的場面。今天是妹妹展翅出巢一天，也是露西死去，我得到新生的一天。