暮光之城系列大回顧:Lessons learned ...

Twilight

Awkward, lip-biting teenager Bella Swan Moves to Forks, Washington, where she falls in love with mysterious, moody, tan-averse Edward Cullen. Who turns out to be a vampire! But, y'know, a vegetarian one: he only eats animals. Edward and his foster brothers and sisters protect Bella when some evil vampires turn up.

尷尬境地的輕咬嘴脣的少女貝拉•斯旺搬到華盛頓福克斯，在那裏她愛上了神祕的、喜怒無常的、蒼白的愛德華•卡倫。原來他是一個吸血鬼!但是，你知道的，素食者：他只吃動物。愛德華和他一起長大的兄弟姐妹在一些邪惡的吸血鬼出現時保護着貝拉。

Lessons learned ...

Men will always be there to save us weak women

Whether Bella (Kristen Stewart) is walking in front of cars, falling off motorbikes, getting mugged, or merely condemning her soul to Hell by trying to have premarital sex, there's always a vampire (Edward, Robert Pattinson) or wolf (Jacob, Taylor Lautner) to save her. You know what us silly women are like! Always getting ourselves into situations men need to get us out of…

男人總是會在那裏來解救我們這些脆弱的女人

無論貝拉(克里斯汀•斯圖爾特)是走在汽車前面、從摩托車上墜落，被搶劫或者僅僅因試圖有婚前性行爲而遭受靈魂下地獄的譴責，總是會有一個吸血鬼(愛德華,羅伯特•帕丁森)或狼(雅各布,泰勒勞特納)來救她。你知道我們這些傻女人像什麼樣的！總是會讓自己陷在需要男性把我們解救的境地…

Twilight: New Moon

Edward's brother Jasper lets slip he wants to eat Bella (awkward!) so the Cullen family leave town and Bella mopes for months and months. The only person who can cheer her up is her childhood mate Jacob. Who – would you believe it? – is also a werewolf! But, you know, a really sexy one.

愛德華的哥哥賈斯珀無意中泄露他想吃貝拉(尷尬!)所以庫倫家族離開了小鎮，貝拉遊蕩了好幾個月。唯一能讓她高興起來的人是她的童年的夥伴雅各布。誰——你會相信嗎？——也是一個狼人！但是，你知道的，一個真正性感的人。

Lessons learned ...

In Hollywood, makeovers and pointless topless scenes aren't just for girls

Between Twilight and New Moon, Taylor Lautner clearly hit the gym. In the first film, he wasn't that hot: long hair, bit scrawny, at least a foot shorter than all the other men in Forks. But by movie number two he'd had a haircut, got a tattoo and was ready to take his top off. A lot. In fact, over four films, he has 13 topless scenes, all outdoors. The films are set in Forks, Washington State, near the Canadian border, in winter, and not one character says, "Hang on, aren't you a bit… cold?"

在好萊塢，打扮和無意義的上身秀並不是僅爲女孩

在《暮光之城》和《新月》，泰勒勞特納顯然經常上健身房。在第一部電影裏，他並沒有那麼性感：長髮，有點骨瘦如柴的，至少比福克斯的所有其他男人矮一點。但他在第二部電影中他剪短了頭髮，紋身了，準備脫掉他的上衣。很多。事實上，在四部影片中，他有13個半裸的場景，所有都是戶外的。影片設置華盛頓州的福克斯，靠近加拿大邊境，冬天，不只一個人說：“等一下，你會不會有點…冷？”

Twilight: Eclipse

Edward's back, because he just can't live without Bella. But she wants to have sex, and he's not up for it unless they're married. "I want to bond myself to you in every way possible," she says, which is all very well but there's also an army of vampires about to arrive in Forks to try and kill Bella. Keep up.

愛德華回來了，因爲他只是生活中不能沒有貝拉。但是她想做愛，他還沒準備好除非他們結婚了。“我想用每一個可能的方式和你綁在一起，”她說，一切都進展順利，但是還有一羣吸血鬼即將抵達福克斯試圖殺死貝拉。跟上。

Lessons learned ...

Teenage boys are really frigid

They won't have sex with you if you're not married first! This isn't quite the way I remember it, but it was a long time ago. The only way that Edward will agree to sleep with Bella is if SHE'S MARRIED TO HIM. He's worried for her soul, you see. Er, if your name is Nick and you were at a house party in Farnborough in 2001, can I have my virginity back real quick, please? Because if not, I'm going to Hell. Which I can only imagine is Twilight films, on loop.

青少年男孩真的是冷漠的

他們不會與你做愛如果你們沒有先結婚！這並不是我確切地記得這些，但這是很久以前的事了。愛德華唯一同意與貝拉一起睡是在她嫁給了他的情況下。他擔心她的靈魂，你看。呃，如果你叫尼克，你是在2001年範堡羅的一次家庭聚會上，我可以很快要回我的童貞嗎？因爲如果沒有，我就要去地獄。我只能想象的是《暮光之城》的電影，在循環。

Twilight: Breaking Dawn

Bella and Edward get married, have a lovely wedding, go on their honeymoon, have THE SEX, but then Bella realises she's pregnant, with a vampire baby and the NHS helpline is no use. She decides that having it is "the right thing to do".

貝拉和愛德華結婚了，有一個可愛的婚禮，去度蜜月，有性生活，但是之後貝拉意識到她懷孕了，有一個吸血鬼寶寶，NHS熱線是沒有用的。她決定生下他是“要做的正確的事情”。

The scary Italian vampires have turned up to get rid of Edward and Bella's daughter, Renesmee, because she's creepy. Oh, and they're worried that she'll accidentally tell all the humans they're vampires. Er, hello? Everyone knows about vampires; we've seen the documentary series True Blood.

可怕的意大利吸血鬼已經出現來消滅愛德華和貝拉的女兒Renesmee，因爲她令人毛骨悚然。哦，他們擔心她會不小心告訴所有的人類他們是吸血鬼。呃，你好？每個人都知道吸血鬼，我們看過系列紀錄片《真愛如血》。

Lessons learned...

Never complain that 'nothing happens' in Twilight movies ever again

The fifth film will make you look back nostalgically at the lip-biting, longing stares and endless silences of the first four movies. Because this one's brutal. The battle scene is 20 minutes of heads being ripped off, faces being kicked in and at one point, someone throws a baby on the fire and everyone else is all "good move, bro".

從不抱怨在《暮光之城》電影中再次“什麼也沒有發生”

第五部電影會讓你懷舊地回顧前四部影片中的輕咬嘴脣，渴望的目光和無盡的沉默。因爲這一部是殘暴的。戰鬥場景是20分鐘的開頭廝打，面臨着被踢打，在某個時刻有人把一個嬰兒扔進火裏，其他人都在說“幹得好，兄弟”。