惡搞以賽亞 托馬斯的趣文章
Is it possible to talk about Isaiah Thomas without talking about his height? No, right? Everything he does seems to spiral back to it.
說到以賽亞-托馬斯，咋能不說他身高呢？是吧，必須得提一嘴。他所做的一切都與身高休慼相關。The good things (like the time he hung 52 on the Heat, including 29 in the fourth) become folktales due to his height (HE DID ALL OF THAT AND HE’S ONLY 5-foot-9!!!), and the bad things (like defense) become research papers due to it.
因爲他的身高受限，許多場次的優異表現受到人們的交口稱譽（在對陣熱火的比賽中，托馬斯全場獨得52分，其中第四節狂砍29分，要知道他才5尺9哦！）；同樣因爲身高受限，他的防守也被人們口誅筆伐。
This article is no different, I suppose.
等一下，咱這篇文章可不是這個了路子。
As I write this, Isaiah is averaging 29.2 points per game. No player under 5-foot-10 has ever done that in the whole entire history of the NBA.
當我寫這篇文的時候，托馬斯場均可以得到29.2分。縱觀整個NBA歷史，在5尺10以下的球員中，從來沒有人完成過如此壯舉。In fact, the closest anyone’s come is when Calvin Murphy, 5-foot-9 like Isaiah, averaged 25.6 points per game for a season. That was almost four decades ago, lol.
事實上，最接近的是卡爾文-墨菲，他同樣也是5尺9的身高，曾有一個賽季可以場均達到25.6分，我的天，那已經是40年前的事兒……As such, a fun game to play is called “How Many Isaiahs …?” Isaiah is incredible, is what I’m saying. I’m trying to get as many Isaiahs as possible in my life.
這樣的話，我們發起一個遊戲，叫“做一件事兒需要多少個托馬斯？”托馬斯是個難以置信的傢伙，所以我們這裏儘可能將他帶回現實生活之中。It’s inspired by the utterly nutty way that he has been a dominant offensive force this season. We’ll take a scenario and then ask, “How many Isaiahs would it take to do that?”
他本賽季進攻端的統治表現激發了我的靈感，我們設置一個場景，提出問題“做這樣的事情需要多少個小托馬斯呢?”
We know how many Isaiahs it would take to score a ton of points in an NBA season. (One Isaiah.) How many Isaiahs would it take to stop a truck traveling 60 miles per hour? How many Isaiahs would it take to eat 100 boxes of cereal? How many Isaiahs would it take to level a square mile of a South American jungle? On and on.
我們都知道一堆托馬斯一個賽季能得老多分了。現在以一個托馬斯爲單位，要停下一輛時速每小時60英里的卡車，來，你說需要多少個托馬斯？多少個托馬斯可以吃完100盒麥片？多少個托馬斯可以夷平一平方公里的南美叢林？哈哈哈，就是這樣，喵~How many Isaiahs would it take to … build a small airplane?
多少個托馬斯可以……建個小飛機？
I read a story a while back about a man who taught himself how to build airplanes, which, quick sidebar: If we’re taking things you can teach yourself to do and ranking them based on how dangerous the results are if things go wrong, teaching yourself how to build a plane has got to be up there with teaching yourself how to perform surgery.
首先，我曾經讀過一篇一個人自學造飛機的文章：簡單的說如果你想自學一樣東西，就需要承擔失敗後的風險，那如果你自己造飛機，可能得先做好給自己療傷的準備。But that’s what this guy did: He taught himself how to build airplanes. And he got really good at. And now he’s famous for it (or, at least as famous as you can get for building your own plane, I guess). His third airplane, which is the one that I was reading about, an impressive and beautiful project he called Savor, took him 15 months to build.
就有這麼個人真這麼幹了，嘿！還幹得挺好，現在因爲這個還出名啦！（我想你自己搗鼓個飛機出來也能出名。）我當時看過一篇文章，他的第三駕飛機名字是“Savor”，完成這個大作，花了他15個月的時間。Anyway, the point is: Making stuff is hard. Building things is harder. And building things you’ve never built before is the hardest.
總而言之，重點就是：做事兒並不容易，造點東西就難了，造點從來沒做過的？難上加難哦。Building a plane with zero experience has got to be basically impossible.
所以0經驗造飛機基本上是不可能滴。
I googled a whole bunch of different variations of “Has Isaiah Thomas ever built a plane” and they all came back negative. That being the case, I think we need at least five Isaiahs working full-time for at least three years to build a small airplane safe enough to fly in.
關於“托馬斯造過飛機沒有？”類似相關的問題，我着實認真谷歌了一下，所有人都選擇沒有。好了，這樣情況下，我們至少需要5個全職托馬斯，要想造一架足夠安全的小飛機，怎麼也得小三年。How many Isaiahs would it take to … bench-press an 18-wheeler?
同時多少個托馬斯可以……臥推一個大卡車？
An 18-wheeler weighs approximately 80,000 pounds. During his NBA draft combine workout, Isaiah bench-pressed 185 pounds 13 times. Using that as a barometer, I think we can safely assume Isaiah could probably bench 200 pounds at least once. That means we need 400 Isaiah to bench-press an 18-wheeler, because 400 * 200 = 80,000.
恩，就是圖片這種的，大概80000磅。根據選秀報告的內容，組合訓練中托馬斯185磅的臥推可以做13個，以此爲準，保守估計托馬斯用力推一次應該可以推起200磅。這就意味着完成任務需要400個托馬斯，因爲400*200 = 80,000。
This is a crazy number to me. Kawhi Leonard was able to bench press that same amount only three times during his combine workout. Kevin Durant never even got it up once during his.
Ps:185磅，這重量對我來說太爆炸了。科懷-倫納德同樣條件的臥推只能做3個，凱文-杜蘭特一個也做不了……How many Isaiahs would it take to … defeat a shark?
多少個托馬斯可以……打敗一條鯊魚？
Well, if we assume (a) the word “defeat” here means “kill,” and (b) that our Isaiahs came upon the shark while swimming, and (c) the encounter happened in waist-high water, giving them both an equally fair shot, then really it just depends on the shark you’re talking about.
好的，我們假設：1.這裏的“打敗”是“擊殺”。2.情境下我們托馬斯正在游泳，在鯊魚的上方。3.遭遇戰的水深大概腰部左右，雙方條件相同。好的，現在的問題就是什麼種類的鯊魚了。There’s one shark that’s only about 11 inches long, for example (the spined pygmy shark). I don’t imagine you’d need more than one Isaiah to defeat that shark. Meanwhile, there’s a different shark that’s about 40-feet long (the whale shark). You’re probably looking at needing at least 150 Isaiahs to take down that bad boy.
有些鯊魚只有11英寸長（像侏儒鯊）。對付這樣的小可愛，一個托馬斯一套連招輕鬆帶走；還有40英尺長的（像鯨鯊），對付這樣的大傢伙怎麼也要150個托馬斯。Some other sharks:
其他種類的鯊魚：Hammerhead shark (about 18 feet): Five Isaiahs. Unless our Isaiahs were able to use actual hammers during the fight, in which case 3 Isaiahs get it done.
錘頭鯊(大約18英尺)：5個托馬斯，要是打鬥過程可以用錘子，那3個托馬斯就夠了。Mako shark (about 8 feet): secretly an elite shark. Did you know mako sharks can hit up to 45 mph while swimming? That means a mako shark can swim 18 miles per hour faster than Usain Bolt can run. Despite its small size, I think we need at least four Isaiahs to take the mako down.
灰鯖鯊（大約8英尺）：私下裏這可是鯊魚中的好手，灰鯖鯊最高遊速可以達到45英里/小時，什麼水平呢？和尤塞恩-博爾特一起出發，灰鯖鯊一個小時能落下他18英里，儘管他個頭不大，恩，對付他怎麼也得4個托馬斯。Tiger shark (about 12 feet): has a Sharkopedia, which includes great detail about all the different kinds of sharks.
虎鯊（大約12英寸）：網站有個鯊魚百科，各種鯊魚數據應有盡有。The tiger shark section mentions how one time someone found a chicken coop in the belly of a tiger shark when they cut it open. A chicken coop ain’t a one-bite meal, bro. It’s at least 20 bites, easy. That means a tiger shark bit into it, had a mouthful of wood and wire, and was like, “Yup. I’ma eat this.” That’s super gnarly. We need at least five Isaiahs here.
其中在虎鯊的板塊裏提到，有人剖開虎鯊腹部後發現了雞籠的殘骸，雞籠子那麼容易吃麼，正常怎麼也要嚼個20多遍吧，這條虎鯊把一堆木板鐵絲咬個稀碎，好像在說：“咋的，我就要吃雞籠子。”行，我服了，你厲害，我準備派5個托馬斯對付你。
Blacktip reef shark (about 5 feet): One Isaiah.
黑鰭礁鯊（大約5英寸）：一個托馬斯。Bull shark (about 11 feet): Three Isaiahs. (Bull sharks are the second best of all the sharks named after other animals. Tiger sharks are first, obviously.)
牛鯊（11英寸）：3個托馬斯。（所有以其他動物命名的鯊魚裏面，牛鯊的名字是第二好聽的，第一很明顯是虎鯊啊。）Great white shark (about 23 feet): Seven Isaiahs, and we’re losing at least two of them in the fight.
大白鯊（大約23英尺）：7個托馬斯，戰鬥過程中可能還會有2個托馬斯陣亡。How many Isaiahs would it take to … take me out on a date?
多少個托馬斯……可以把我扔棗樹上？
One.
一個。How many Isaiahs would it take to … do 1,000 push-ups in two minutes?
多少個托馬斯……可以2分鐘做1000個俯臥撐？
This one is simply a matter of math (and also a matter of squinting your eyes just a bit). In November 2016, Isaiah referred to himself as “the 5-foot-9 Kevin Garnett.”
這是道簡單的數學題（恩，還需要眯起眼睛好好查數兒）。2016年11月，托馬斯說他自己是5尺9的凱文-加內特。During the 2012 playoffs, Garnett, following a hard foul from Udonis Haslem that resulted in Garnett lying on his back under the rim, rolled himself over and began doing push-ups. He did eight of them in six seconds. If we extend that out to a full minute, that means Kevin Garnett can do 80 per minute.
2012年季後賽，加內特遭受猶多尼斯-哈斯勒姆的兇狠犯規，他在籃下的地板躺了一會兒，之後翻起身來就開始做俯臥撐，加內特6秒做了8個，按這個速率，加內特一分鐘可以做80個。Now, I’m sure there’d be some drop-off there; I wouldn’t really expect him to maintain that pace for an entire minute. Even at 75 percent of that total, though, we’re still looking at KG doing 60 push-ups per minute. If we take that number and give it to Isaiah, then that means we need nine Isaiahs doing push-ups at max speed for two minutes to break 1,000. (Nine Isaiahs x 60 push-ups per minutes = 1,080 push-ups in two minutes.)
我們不能奢望他一分鐘都保持這個速率，我相信數據會有所下滑，即使只取75%，加內特每分鐘也可以做60個，如果托馬斯就按這個速率計算，那我們需要9個托馬斯同時馬力全開做2分鐘，這樣就可以在規定時間內突破1000啦。（9個托馬斯*60個/分鐘*2分鐘=1080個）How many Isaiahs would it take to … beat 1987 Michael Jordan and 1995 Scottie Pippen in a game to 15?
多少個托馬斯……可以在15分制的比賽中打敗這樣的組合（1987年的邁克爾-喬丹和1995年的斯科蒂-皮蓬）？
Tough, tough, tough. We could get into 100 different ways this is terrifying, but just think about these two things:
蜀道難，難於上青天！是時候討論這場對決了100種死法了。我就提2點：(1) Michael Jordan averaged over 37 points per game for the 1987 season. That’s still good today for the fifth-highest amount of all-time (Wilt has the four spots ahead of him). Mike was getting busy that season.
（1）1987賽季喬丹場均37分，即使放到現在同樣是歷史第5的存在（前四都是張伯倫）。那個賽季是無所不能的邁克爾。(2) Scottie Pippen, who was an NBA All-Defensive First Team selection from 1992 to 1999, led the league in steals in 1995. He averaged 2.94 per game, lol. He was a 6-foot-8 jewel thief that season.
（2）皮蓬從1992-1999都入選了NBA最佳防守陣容一陣，1995年還是NBA搶斷王，場均2.94個，天啊擼，那年他就是6尺8的時遷啊。So you’ve got Mike when he was at his most offensively unstoppable on one side and Scottie when he was at his most defensively overwhelming on the other side, meaning you’re looking at one of, say, the two or three most intimidating two-on-two teams of all-time. Again: tough, tough, tough.
知道情況了吧，攻端喬丹不可阻擋，守端皮蓬戒備森嚴。現在面對的球員，是2對2比賽歷史前三中的一個，啊，不對，是兩個。噫，吾復言，蜀道難，難於上青天！
If our team of Isaiahs gets the ball first, I think we can sneak by here on four Isaiahs. (They win that game 15–10). If ’87 Jordan and ’95 Pippen get the ball first, though, then we need at least six Isaiahs to get a W (15–13).
如果開始是托馬斯隊先攻，我們偷偷擺上4個托馬斯，會15-10贏得比賽；如果傳奇二人組先攻，我們只能強行加到6個，最終15-13艱難取勝。How many Isaiahs would it take to … watch all of the episodes of Friends?
多少個托馬斯可以……看完全集《老友記》？
There are 236 episodes of Friends. Each one is 23 minutes long (our Isaiahs are watching them on Netflix so we don’t have to account for commercials).
《老友記》一共236集，每集23分鐘（我們托馬斯在Netflix上確實有看，這裏可不是給《老友記》打廣告哦）。If the rules here are that our Isaiahs have to watch all the episodes straight through, and that any time he wants to take a break to eat or sleep or go to the restroom then we have to replace him with a new Isaiah, then that means we’re staring down 5,428 minutes of Friends, or 90.4 hours of Friends, or about four days straight of Friends.
當一個托馬斯想要吃點東西，睡覺，或者去上廁所時，另一個托馬斯隨時頂上。《老友記》全集5428分鐘，或者說90.4個小時，大概需要連着4天看完。This is going to sound ridiculous, but I think we can get away with just one Isaiah here. Given that we can just have him eat in front of the TV, the only real pitfalls he’d face would be falling asleep and having to use the restroom. Humans have, with regular frequency, proved that staying up for up to 10 days straight is possible, so I’m not worried about the sleeping part. I think he’d be able to stay awake for 90 hours pretty easily.
我們這裏準備只用一個托馬斯了，哈哈，這聽起來太瘋狂了。我們設定他在吃飯都在電視屏幕前，人啊，科學證明一般可以連着10天不睡覺，所以睡眠的問題也解決了，我想托馬斯可以輕輕鬆鬆堅持90個小時。現在只有一個問題了——托馬斯得去廁所。
For the restroom thing, I remember reading this story about how one time, during a close game in college, Isaiah had to go to the restroom very badly. Rather than running off to the locker room to use it during a timeout, Isaiah, afraid he wouldn’t make it back in time and would miss the end of the game, decided to just stuff a towel down his shorts and pee into that.
我之前還聽過一個關於上廁所的小故事，大學時期托馬斯正在打一場很激烈的比賽，忽然內急突襲，忙不擇路，急不可耐，翻江倒海。想在暫停時段去更衣室的廁所小解，又恐誤了比賽最後的關鍵時刻，這時托馬斯同志怒從心頭起，惡向膽邊生，操起毛巾，塞進球褲，就這樣方！便！了！That’s a legit genius move, if I’m being honest, and also a pretty good indicator of the type of competitive drive Isaiah has in his bones (or in his weiner, as it were). We’re getting by with one Isaiah here.
厲害了，你真是天才！但老實說，這裏還是體現出托馬斯骨子裏的競爭意識，所以看完《老友記》全集這樣的任務，我託某人孤身前往又有何懼？更多精彩內容請關注微信公衆號、新浪微博：籃球英文堂
