校園生活:送幼兒上補習班是否操之過急

As parents we all want to give our kids every advantage, and in our hypercompetitive world, it's easy to get caught up in what's become an arms race of ever-more classes at ever younger ages.

爲人父母的我們都希望能夠給孩子提供一切優勢，在現在這個競爭激烈的世界上，讓孩子們加入比拼才藝的“軍備競賽”可謂易如反掌，可供孩子們選擇的補習課程越來越多，孩子們開始接受輔導的年齡也越來越小。

And as in any arms race, it's easy to get so caught up in escalating for the sake of escalating that we lose sight of our goals.

和所有的軍備競賽如出一轍，兒童才藝大比拼也非常容易陷入爲競爭而競爭的惡性循環之中，以至於我們會失去爲何而爭的目標。

At some point we should ask: is all this investment of time and money really benefiting our children?

某些時候我們應該捫心自問：我們投入的時間和金錢是否真的能使我們的孩子受益？

'Don't you feel it's important to give kids a good start?'

“你不覺得給孩子一個成功的起點至關重要嗎？”

My husband and I are not experts in parenting. To the contrary, we're just like every other set of parents on Earth, just trying to do the best with the resources that we have.

丈夫和我都不是育兒專家。相反，我們和世界上所有的家長一樣，只是在竭盡全力地爲孩子們提供我們力所能及的一切資源。

We have two daughters: Pip is now four and Lila is two-and-a-half. Recently, a friend dropped by to visit us, and promptly was welcomed into an imaginary tea party that they were having.

我們有兩個女兒：姐姐四歲，妹妹兩歲半。最近，一位朋友順路拜訪我家，由於當時我們正在舉辦一場夢幻茶會，我們便馬上邀請這位朋友加入了我們。

Delighted, my friend exclaimed: 'Your girls are so happy! So friendly! Not at all like other Chinese kids!'

我的朋友歡快地大聲說：“你們的女兒們看起來可真快樂！真友好！和其他中國小孩一點兒也不一樣！”

She asked what activities they do. Well, Pip just started a Tae Kwon Do class, I said, and tennis. Lila has yet to start any formal activities.

她詢問到孩子們都在進行什麼樣的活動。姐姐剛開始上跆拳道課，還有網球課，我說。妹妹現在還沒有正式開展任何活動。

My friend's delight turned to concern.

我朋友的表情瞬間由喜轉憂。

'Your girls don't play piano yet? But haven't you heard that piano lessons should start by age four?

“你的女兒們還沒學彈鋼琴？但你沒聽過嗎，鋼琴課應該在四歲就開始了？”

'They haven't started ballet? Chess? No academic tutoring at all?'

“她們還沒開始學芭蕾？國際象棋？從來沒上過學業輔導班？”

No, no, and no.

我喃喃地回答：“沒有，沒有，沒有。”

Actually we avoid packing our girls' schedules too full, I explained. When they're awake and not in school, our girls love to play together, swinging in the playground, pretending with their dolls, cutting and gluing paper together in (very) abstract art projects.

我解釋到，實際上，我們儘量避免把孩子們的時間表安排得過滿。在她們不睡覺也不在學校的時間裏，她們喜歡一起玩耍，在遊戲場上盪鞦韆，和布娃娃過家家，還喜歡把紙片剪剪粘粘成非常抽象的藝術作品。

When their favorite songs play on the radio, they love to sing and dance along, but they just don't seem ready yet for more formal music training.

當收音機裏播出她們喜歡的歌曲時，她們總是邊唱邊跳，只不過她們看起來還沒準備好接受更爲正式的音樂訓練。

My friend was quiet. Then: 'Don't you feel it's important to give kids a good start when they're young?'

我的朋友陷入了沉默。隨後她說：“你不覺得在孩子們小的時候，給她們一個成功的起點至關重要嗎？”

Emotional development and creative play

情感發育及創造性遊戲

It's not that we don't focus on our kids' development. But at this stage in their lives, we're focusing on the skills that we consider most important to their future success. And happily for our girls and for us, our approach to parenting emphasizing emotional development and creative play -- involves less pressure and more fun for everyone.

並不是我們不注重孩子們的發展。但是在她們生命中的這個階段，我們正着重培養我們認爲對她們今後的成功最爲重要的技能。幸運的是，對兩個女兒和我們夫妻來說，我們的育兒方式──重視情感發育及創造性遊戲──給每個人都帶來了更多的快樂，同時施加了更少的壓力。

In his intriguing book Brain Rules for Baby, neurologist John Medina describes the physiological changes occurring in a child's brain between the ages of zero and five. During this time, a child's brain is developing rapidly, he says, and parenting that helps a child's emotional development actually helps his neural architecture develop toward lifelong emotional stability.

神經學家約翰・梅迪納(John Medina)在他引人入勝的著作《讓孩子的大腦自由》(Brain Rules for Baby)中，介紹了大腦在幼兒零至五歲間發生的生理學變化。他表示，在這個期間，兒童大腦的發育非常迅速，有助於兒童情感發育的育兒方式事實上能夠幫助兒童神經系統的構建和發育，並使他們朝着終生情緒穩定的方向成長。

A child parented this way will become an adult with better self-control, fewer incidences of depression and anxiety disorders, greater empathy, deeper and richer friendships, and many more friends.

用這樣的方式培養出的孩子日後將成爲一名自控力更強、罹患抑鬱和焦慮症的概率更低、更富同情心、更易建立深厚友情、擁有更多朋友的成年人。

Dr. Medina's conclusions feel right to me. Having been a political leader and a CEO headhunter, by now I've met tens of thousands of people in many countries, and it seems to me that the happiest and most successful people are not those who are best at following the rules.

梅迪納博士得出的結論引起了我的共鳴。曾經作爲政界領袖和高管獵頭的工作經歷，使我有幸接觸到了數以萬計、來自不同國家的人，在我看來，最快樂、最成功的人並不是那些最善於遵循規則的人。

The happiest and most successful people are the ones who understand the rules, but then choose how to live their own lives. They have self-confidence and creativity and they understand keenly how to relate to others.

最快樂、最成功的人是那些明白規則，但選擇按照自己的方式生活的人。他們充滿自信、擁有創造力，並且深知該如何與人交往。

Pip is learning to be more assertive

大女兒正在學習如何做到自信

Our approach to parenting is embraced by the school we chose, and recently we went there to discuss Pip's development.

我們的育兒方式得到了我們給女兒所選擇的學校的贊同，爲了和老師溝通大女兒的教育問題，我們最近拜訪了學校。

The teacher started off by assuring us that Pip's schoolwork is progressing well. Every time they start a new project, she said, the other kids crowd around to see how Pip solves the problem.

老師首先肯定地告訴我們，女兒的課堂任務完成得很好。她說，每次同學們開始做新課業時，其他孩子都會圍過去看女兒是如何解決問題的。

Then she said: 'What we're working on with Pip is her assertiveness. Especially around boys.'

她接着說：“我們正在幫助她增加自信，特別是當有男孩子在身邊的時候。”

She gave an example:'Just yesterday, Pip was playing next to a sandbox where two boys were throwing sand around, and some sand flew in Pip's direction. She got up, found me and asked me to tell the boys to be more careful. I asked if she had said anything to them herself. She said no. I asked her if she wanted me help her address the boys, and she said yes. So we went over, and I suggested some words she could use: 'I was sitting here and felt some of your sand hit me. Please stop throwing sand in my direction.' Pip repeated these words. The boys apologized and promised to be more careful.

她舉例子說：“就在昨天，她正在沙盒旁邊玩，兩個男孩兒揚起沙子嬉戲起來，一些沙子因此被撒到了她身上。她站起來，找到我，並請我去告訴男孩們應該小心點。我問她有沒有自己和他們講過這件事情。她說沒有。我又問她，是不是想讓我幫她和男孩們交涉，她說是的。所以我們走過去，我向她建議了一些可用的措辭，比如，我剛纔坐在這兒，你們揚起的沙子打到了我。請不要朝我這邊揚沙子。她複述了這些話。男孩們道了歉，並且保證會小心點。”

I asked Pip if she was happy with the outcome and she said yes. Then I asked her if the next time something like this happened, she felt she could resolve the problem herself, and she agreed to try.'

我問大女兒對於這樣的解決方式是否滿意，她說是的。然後我又問，下次如果有類似的事情發生，她是不是能夠自己解決問題，她答應試一試。

Self-confidence, creativity and the ability to relate to others.

自信、創造力和人際交往能力

When the teacher shared this example, I felt especially moved, because as I've written before in this column, I've always had trouble saying no to other people. Once I got stuck in a destructive boyfriend relationship precisely because as an adult I didn't know how to protect myself in the way that my four-year-old now is learning to do.

當老師和我分享發生在女兒身上的事情時，我被深深地觸動了，因爲正如我以前在這個專欄中所寫的那樣，其實我一直都不善於對別人說“不”。我還曾經陷入一段極具破壞性的感情，原因就是作爲一個成年人，我並不知道該如何保護自己，而我四歲的女兒現在正在學習此道。

Maybe if we get this parenting thing right, our kids will struggle less with the things I've struggled with, and perhaps then their lives will be better.

如果我們能做到用正確的方式撫育子女，我們的孩子將不會像我當初那樣備受煎熬，或許她們的生活將更美好。

In our hypercompetitive, hurry-up world, we always assume that fast beats slow, but what do we risk if we pressure our kids to do too much too soon?

生活在這個競爭激烈、快節奏的世界上，我們一向都認爲快勝過慢，但是如果我們過早地給孩子們施加過多的壓力，是否在拔苗助長？

Self-confidence, creativity, the ability to relate to others: these are the skills and brain development processes that we're trying to nurture in our kids and that may remain undeveloped if formal learning monopolizes their time and attention.

自信、創造力和人際交往能力，這些都是我們千方百計想要孩子們學到的技能，同時也是大腦不斷髮育的過程。如果正規學習佔據了孩子們的時間和精力，那麼我們的追求可能將落空。

Are my husband and I parenting our kids well? At this point, it's impossible to know. They certainly seem to be enjoying a more fun childhood than some of their peers.

丈夫和我在子女教育上成功嗎？現在，我們還一無所知。不過我們確定的是，和很多同齡人相比，她們的童年看起來更快樂。

But is our way of parenting the right way to help them reach their potential as happy and successful future young women? We hope and believe the answer is yes. But only time will tell for sure.

我們的育兒方式是激發她們潛能，並幫助她們成爲未來快樂成功的年輕女性的正確方式嗎？我們希望並相信：答案是肯定的。但是隻有時間能真正揭開謎底。