他她話題:權威離婚禮儀指南

Since 1789 the Debrett's publishing house, which describes itself as "Britain's leading experts on manners and behaviour," has been offering authoritative guides on how to handle life's social curveballs with tact, breeding, and aplomb.

自1789年以來，自詡爲“英國頂級禮儀與舉止專家”的德佈雷特出版公司（Debrett's）就一直出版各種權威禮儀指南，教導人們如何機智、有教養並沉着地處理各種社交問題。

Now it has addressed one of life's high, inside fastballs: divorce.

現在，這家出版公司又瞄準了人生中一個重大的難題：離婚。

Its volume on this unusually bellicose subject was authored by the family law department of Mishcon de Reya, a London-based, transatlantic law firm. The resulting collaboration, Debrett's Guide to Civilised Separation, debuts February 29. (Though the book is never so indiscreet as to say so, Mishcon represented Diana, Princess of Wales, in connection with her divorce.)

《德佈雷特文明離婚指南》（Debrett's Guide to Civilised Separation）一書將於2月29日問世。這本書由Mishcon de Reya律師事務所的家庭法律部編撰，探討了離婚這個格外充滿火藥味的話題。這家律師事務所總部位於倫敦，是一家歐洲法律機構。（雖然這本新書並沒有不知分寸地亂說，但Mishcon de Reya事務所確實在威爾士王妃離婚案中擔任了戴安娜王妃的法律代表。）

In this handsome, 61-page paperback—the cover shows a poker-faced lovebird taking flight from its poker-faced ex-mate—the Mishcon lawyers provide compassionate but clear-eyed advice about the eMotional process they've observed so many times from a healthy distance. Though Americans may bridle at the notion of being taught manners, the book really just aims to give sound advice for getting through the ordeal with maximum dispatch and minimum damage to children. Following its advice could save you some billable hours, too, the solicitors point out, since, as Robert Louis Stevenson once observed, "Compromise is the best and cheapest lawyer."

這本裝幀精美的平裝本共61頁，封面是一隻面無表情的愛情鳥正在飛離它那面無表情的前任“愛侶”。Mishcon de Reya事務所的律師們一直站在必要的距離之外觀察離婚這個情緒化的過程。他們在書中根據大量的觀察，給出了富有同情心但又異常冷靜的建議。美國人或許會對這種教授禮儀的概念不屑一顧，不過這本書實際上只是試圖提供一些合理的建議，幫助讀者在這個讓人倍感煎熬的過程中實現最高的效率，以及最大程度地降低對孩子的傷害。律師們指出，遵循書中的建議也可以讓人們省下一筆錢，不用花冤枉錢去資訊按小時收費的律師；正如羅伯特•路易斯•斯蒂文森曾說過的：“體諒是最出色、最便宜的律師。”

The book's advice is, of course, "aspirational," says Sandra Davis, the head of Mishcon's divorce unit, in an interview, "because inevitably divorce is a very destructive event and people don't always feel at their best nor can they react positively to every situation with a great degree of control. But certainly when there are children involved it's important to be able to maintain a co-parenting relationship."

Mishcon de Reya事務所離婚部門的負責人桑德拉·戴維斯在一次採訪中表示，書中的建議當然是“人們夢寐以求的”，“因爲離婚必然具有非常巨大的破壞力。人們有時候難免情緒低落，也無法拿出極佳的自制力來積極應對所有的情況。但可以肯定的是，如果離婚牽扯到小孩，能否保持共同撫養的關係是非常重要的一點。”

While safeguarding the children's emotional health is its own reward, it happens to be sound financial policy, too, notes Mishcon's New York-based family law partner, Michael Stutman, in an interview. Cooperation can save expenses on "all the collaterals" of "unwinding the mess that you've made," he explains, like when "you start trotting the children off to therapists and tutors because they're not paying attention, because they're distracted, because they're anxious."

Mishcon de Reya事務所的紐約地區家庭法律合夥人邁克爾·斯塔特曼在一次採訪中稱，保障孩子們的情緒健康不僅是爲了孩子們好，同時也是明智的理財策略。他解釋道，事情搞得一團糟之後再做補救需要花錢，但合作卻能省下這筆的費用。譬如下面這種情況：（因爲處理不善）“孩子開始出現注意力不集中、容易分心、焦慮等現象，（做父母的只得心急火燎地）帶他們去看治療師和心理輔導師。”。

The book's advice is wide-ranging and practical, including suggestions about how to tell the children; how to dress and behave in court; how and where to conduct visitational handovers; how to deal with post-divorce bar mitzvahs, weddings, and funerals; getting back on your feet romantically, and more.

這本書的建議涉及範圍很廣，也很實用，包括：如何告訴孩子父母要離婚的消息；出席法庭時穿什麼，在法庭上的行爲舉止應該注意什麼問題；如何以及在哪裏進行探視交接；如何處理離婚後男孩的受誡禮、婚禮以及葬禮；如何從頭再來，投入新的戀情，等等。

The recommendations seem sensible. On retribution: "Throwing your husband's vintage wine collection down the loo . . . might seem like a therapeutic gesture when you're in the throes of rage and despair, but . . . judges will take a dim view of vindictive behaviour, so it's far better to hold your head up high and retain the civilized high ground."

書中的建議看起來很明智。關於報復：“怒火中燒、痛不欲生的時候，把丈夫珍藏的佳釀倒進馬桶……可能看起來似乎有點效果，但是……法官會懷疑這是一種報復性行爲，因此昂首保持體面的做法要好得多。”

On being served with papers: "Legal letters are designed to be threatening, so don't get into a panic if letters from your spouse's lawyers seem overbearing. . . . Leave [your own lawyers] to deal with the legal jargon. That's what you're paying for."

關於法律文件：“法律信函的初衷就是爲了嚇唬人，因此，如果配偶的律師來信看起來具有威脅性，也不要驚慌……讓你的律師來處理這些法律術語。花錢請他們就是幹這個的。”

On keeping children clear of the battle zone: "Never use children as go-betweens. Children are not effective messengers and misunderstandings will ensue. You may also be revealing a range of anarchic emotions to your children which they are unable to assimilate."

關於讓孩子遠離離婚大戰：“不要拿孩子當中間人。孩子並不是有效的信使，反而會造成誤解。這樣做也會帶給孩子一種混亂的情緒，他們無法消化接受。”

On divvying up personal property: "The engagement ring is an outright gift given to the woman on the condition of marriage, and having met that condition, she is entitled to keep it even after the marriage's dissolution. If the ring is a precious heirloom, handed down on the paternal side, returning it is entirely at the woman's discretion."

關於分割個人財產：“訂婚戒指是男方以結婚爲前提送給女方的禮物；既然結婚這一前提已經達成，即使婚姻破裂，女方仍有權保有訂婚戒指。如果這枚戒指是男方珍貴的家傳寶，是否將戒指歸還男方完全由女方做主。”

On parental responsibilities: "Don't allow roles to become polarised. If one parent is entirely responsible for the mundanities of everyday life (laundry, shopping, school, homework) and the other sweeps the children off their feet every weekend for a round of treats, outings and parental indulgence . . . the children will alternate between dissatisfaction and overstimulation, and eventually will become very unhappy . . . . The downtrodden parent will be understandably resentful. . . . Remember, your new life as divorced parents is really not about scoring points off each other, but ensuring that your children's life is stable, secure, and contented."

關於身爲父母的責任：“不要讓雙方的角色極端化。如果一方完全負責孩子的日常生活（洗衣、購物、上學、家庭作業），而另一方每到週末就帶孩子吃大餐、出去玩，讓孩子沉浸在溺愛之中……那麼孩子就會在不滿和過度刺激之間不停轉換，最終變得非常不開心……受壓迫的一方家長自然也會心生怨恨……記住，離異父母的新生活絕不是要在孩子心目中詆譭對方的形象，而是保證孩子生活穩定、安全和滿足。

Though the book is primarily directed to the British reader, and the specific legal process described is the English one, the advice usually transcends jurisdiction.

雖然這本書主要針對英國讀者，具體的法律流程也是建立在英國法律條款的基礎之上，但是書中的建議並不侷限於法律範疇。

The book's British tone and tilt might make American readers most uncomfortable when it gets down to the hard-core etiquette stuff—like how to word the children's wedding invitations when the parents have remarried. ("Mr. John Robinson and Mrs. Edgar Forsythe request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter Caroline.") Some Americans will roll their eyes at such formalities while others will memorize them religiously, and many will do both. Most will be simply bewildered by passages like this one: "When a peeress (i.e. a duchess, marchioness, countess, viscountess or baroness) obtains a divorce, the general rule is that she places her forename before her title, for example, Mary, Duchess of Hampshire."

這本書的風格偏英式，也更貼近英國文化，在觸及到核心的禮儀問題時，可能會令美國讀者感到爲難。譬如，父母都已經再婚的情況下，在孩子的婚禮請柬中如何措辭（“約翰·羅賓遜先生和埃德加·弗西斯夫人恭請您參加小女卡羅琳的婚禮。”）有些美國人面對這種禮節會不屑一顧，有些人則會虔誠地記在心裏，而許多人可能兩種心理兼而有之。大多數美國人可能會爲這樣的段落感到困惑不已：“貴族夫人（即公爵夫人、侯爵夫人、伯爵夫人、子爵夫人或男爵夫人）離婚後，一般規則是她把自己的名字放在頭銜前面，例如，瑪麗，漢普郡公爵夫人。”

I wouldn't recommend this book to Ron Perelman, but for pragmatic decouplers navigating divorce for the first time and trying to keep the interests of their children paramount, it could prove useful, comforting, and even wise

我不會向羅恩·佩雷爾曼（露華濃化妝品公司的掌門人，曾經多次離婚）推薦這本書，但會推薦給第一次離婚並嘗試保護孩子利益的人。這本書對於他們來說非常有用、令人寬慰，甚至可以說是睿智。