一隻沒人願意領養的狗

The woman walked up and down Main Street carrying a beautiful 5-month-old black Labrador mix in her arms. The dog was resting on the woman’s shoulder like a baby, gazing helplessly at the pedestrians, cars and shop windows. I was sitting at an outdoor table at the local coffee house with my husband, Alex, and we watched the comical, but endearing, scenario with curiosity.

一名女子在緬街(Main Street)來來回回地走着，懷裏抱着一隻五個月大的漂亮的黑色拉布拉多混血狗。這隻狗像嬰兒一樣把頭靠在女子的肩上，無助地盯着行人、車輛和店鋪的櫥窗。我和丈夫亞歷克斯(Alex)坐在咖啡館的戶外桌子旁，好奇地注視着這滑稽有愛的一幕。

On her third pass by our table the woman asked, “Can she say hello?” The woman, we soon found, was acting as a “foster mother” for a local rescue organization, and had the puppy out to desensitize her to street noise.

在第三次經過我們的桌子時，這名女子問道，“讓它和你們打個招呼好嗎？”我們很快得知，這名女子是當地一家救援機構的“寄養媽媽”，帶這隻小狗出來是爲了讓它對馬路上的噪音脫敏。

We were animal lovers — pet people with three cats and a dog at home along with our two children — so yes, of course, we obliged. The puppy — her name was Nina — immediately curled at my feet, under the protection of my long summer skirt. Alex and I asked, Is she good with other dogs? With cats? With children? She was, the woman said.

我們都很喜歡動物——家裏有三隻貓和一條狗陪伴着我們的兩個孩子——所以，我們當然答應了這個請求。這隻名叫妮娜(Nina)的小狗立刻蜷在我的腳邊，把我的夏裝長裙當成了保護傘。亞歷克斯和我問，它和其他狗狗合得來嗎？和貓合得來嗎？和小孩子呢？這名女子說，合得來。

We lived in the country, our house butting up against a 30-acre preserve. Many of our neighbors and friends had similar homes brimming with kids and pets. Our pets were always adopted, and were loving and trustworthy companions. I grew up with several cats, and as a college student I worked at the Bennington County Humane Society, in Vermont. Our Rhodesian Ridgeback, Gemma, adored other dogs, and enjoyed a special relationship with our cat Addie, a docile tortoiseshell. They often slept next to each other, and Addie would stand on hind legs to kiss Gemma’s muzzle.

我們住在鄉下，我們的家毗鄰一個30英畝（約合12公頃）的保護區。許多鄰居和朋友的家庭和我們相似，都有許多孩子和寵物。我們的寵物都是領養的，是溫順可愛、值得信賴的夥伴。我童年時，家裏就養了好幾只貓，大學時，我曾在佛蒙特州的本寧頓縣慈善協會(Bennington County Humane Society)打工。我們的羅德西亞背脊犬傑瑪(Gemma)對其他的狗狗很好，與我們溫順的三色貓阿迪(Addie)有着很特殊的感情。他們常常睡在彼此身邊，有時，阿迪會用後腿站立，親吻傑瑪的臉。

Before adopting Nina, we spoke at length to her foster mother, and also to the woman who ran the small-scale rescue operation.

在領養妮娜之前，我們和它的寄養媽媽，以及經營着這家小型救援機構的女士進行了詳細的交談。

Our children met Nina, walking her on a leash and playing with her, and she seemed sweet and smart, though shy. She was intensely fearful of loud noises, but with love and training she appeared poised to blossom into a lovely family dog.

我們的孩子見到了妮娜，用鏈子牽着它遛彎，跟它玩耍，它似乎很溫順聰明，但有些害羞。它特別害怕巨大的聲響，但經過照料和訓練，它似乎很快就能成爲一隻可愛的家犬了。

But things became complicated when we brought Nina home. She panicked in her new environment, tearing up the stairs to our bedroom. Like an alpha-male guard dog, she leaped onto the middle of the bed and growled with bared teeth. Clearly, she was terrified.

但當我們把妮娜帶回家之後，情況卻變得複雜起來。它面對新環境煩躁不安，飛一樣跑上樓梯，進到了我們的臥室。就像一隻兇悍的護衛狗一樣，它跳到了牀中央，咆哮着露出牙齒。顯然，它十分驚恐。

As she growled at me from my bed, I thought, This is bad. I felt a rush of regret and a terrible intuition that this dog was something different than she first seemed. But by bedtime we had calmed her down and she snuggled in bed next to us. A call in the morning to the rescue group assured us that Nina just needed time to adjust to her new home.

當它在我的牀上衝我咆哮時，我想，這太糟糕了。我感到一陣後悔，並且有一種可怕的直覺：這條狗和它最初給人的印象並不相同。但到了睡覺的時候，我們讓它平靜了下來，它依偎在我們身旁睡着了。第二天早上，我們給這家救援機構打了個電話，對方說服了我們，妮娜只是需要時間來適應它的新家。

Nina bonded quickly with Gemma, and was loving with our kids. She barked at everyone who came to the house, and chewed everything in sight. She gave kisses and was easy to train, listening attentively. She was our “googly, mixed-up puppy.” As fans of the dog trainer Cesar Millan, the “Dog Whisperer,” we believed in giving her a loving but disciplined environment.

妮娜很快和傑瑪熟悉起來，對我們的孩子也很溫順。但它也會衝着每一個走進家門的人狂吠，而且看見什麼都咬。它親吻我們，很容易接受訓練，很認真地聽我們講話。它是我們“大眼睛糊塗狗”。作爲狗狗訓練者、“狗語者”西澤·米蘭(Cesar Millan)的粉絲，我們認爲應該給予她一個充滿關愛但紀律嚴明的環境。

Then, one night while I was cooking with a friend and my daughter, Nina suddenly — with a flash of teeth and a high-pitched screech — jumped up and snapped at Addie as she leaped up, terrified. I quickly blocked Nina from attacking Addie, and Nina bit me, pinching the skin on my hand into a red streak, without drawing blood. My friend and I were shaken, my daughter in tears. I put Nina in a bedroom, and shut the door. I cradled Addie, relieved she was fine.

隨後，一天晚上，當我和一個朋友還有女兒一起做飯時，妮娜突然跳了起來，露出牙齒，高聲尖叫，對着阿迪猛咬了一口，阿迪此時也驚慌失措地跳了起來。我迅速擋住妮娜，不讓它繼續攻擊阿迪，結果妮娜咬了我，在我手上弄出了一道紅檁子，沒有出血。朋友和我都受到了驚嚇，我女兒哭了。我把妮娜放進一間臥室，關上了門。我抱着阿迪，看到她沒事之後鬆了一口氣。

Next, I did something I never thought I would do. I called the woman who ran the rescue group and told her, “I don’t think Nina is the right dog for us. We have two children, and their friends visit. We love our cats.”

接下來，我做了一件從沒想過自己會做的事。我打電話給經營救援組織的那個女士，告訴她，“我不認爲妮娜適合我們。我們有兩個孩子，他們的朋友會來家裏。我愛我們的貓咪們。”

It didn’t make any sense, the rescue woman said. Nina had lived with cats with her last foster family here, and with another foster family down south. She loved cats and kids. The woman agreed to send a trainer, and pay for it, to get to the bottom of Nina’s strange behavior.

這說不通，救援組織的這位女士說。妮娜在上一個寄養家庭以及南邊的另一個寄養家庭都跟貓生活過。它喜歡貓和小孩。她同意出錢請一名培訓師，研究妮娜的奇怪舉動。

The trainer had seen “these dogs” before, she said — dogs trucked up the East Coast, traumatized by the journey and moved from shelter to shelter. We were told to throw Cesar Millan’s advice out the window: no “calm-assertive” discipline allowed. We had, she said, inadvertently brought out Nina’s aggressiveness. From now on, it would be gentle time-outs, and treats when anyone came to the door.

這名培訓師說，她見到過“這種狗”，它們被用卡車送到東海岸，在長途跋涉中遭受了心理創傷，從一個地方轉移到另一個地方。她讓我們把西澤·米蘭的建議拋到一邊：不能採用“冷靜自信式”的訓練。她說，我們渾然不覺地激發出了妮娜的進攻性。從現在開始，當有人來到家門口時，我們會溫柔對待它，還給它好吃的。

Even as we followed these instructions, we questioned them. We cringed when we saw pet parents and human parents alike coddling their little monsters despite their bad behavior. Then again, who were we to argue with experts? After decades of cats, we’d only ever had two dogs, both gentle and well behaved. Perhaps we’d just never had a “real” dog before, one who chewed everything in sight, right in front of you, as you said “No!” Maybe most dogs needed constant discipline, and couldn’t be left alone for two seconds.

我們遵循這些指示的同時，對這些方法也有所懷疑。當我們看到，無論寵物或小孩做了什麼壞事，主人和父母都溺愛着這些小怪物時，我們真的無法接受。但轉念一想，我們有什麼資格質疑專家？在養了幾十年的貓之後，我們只養過兩條狗，都很溫順聽話。也許，我們只是從未養過一隻“真正”的狗，而真正的狗會在你衝着它喊“不行！”的時候，仍然見什麼咬什麼。或許，多數的狗狗都需要不斷地訓練，哪怕讓它們獨處兩秒也不行。

Maybe if we were better dog parents, the trainer implied, Nina would be a wonderful and consistent family dog. As for her lunging at Addie, the trainer said there was probably a food issue between them that I was unaware of, and feeding Nina separately would solve it.

培訓師暗示說，或許如果我們是更好的主人，妮娜會成爲一隻很棒的、行爲穩定的家犬。至於它爲何撲向阿迪，培訓師說，可能是因爲它們在食物上發生了我不知道的矛盾，單獨餵食妮娜就能解決這個問題。

In the months that followed Nina made strides; she was affectionate and playful. But at times, out of nowhere it seemed, she would snap at me or Alex and, once, at our son. She would suddenly cower and growl. It was like a switch flipped, yet we couldn’t figure out what had done it.

在接下來幾個月裏，妮娜進步很大。它溫柔可親，而且很活潑。但有時，它似乎會毫無緣由地突然咬我或亞歷克斯，有一次還要咬我兒子。它會突然蜷縮起來咆哮。像是有人按了一個開關，但我們沒想到究竟是何原因。

One day, Addie ran away. We looked everywhere for her, and after three weeks, she appeared in the meadow behind our house. I put food out and called to her, and she’d call back to me in her sad, yodeling cry, then run back into the thicket. It was February, and she was cold and hungry, but she refused to come home. Finally, as if relenting reluctantly, she came inside. But why had she even left?

一天，阿迪跑走了。我們到處都找了，但卻沒找到。三週後，它出現在了我們屋後的草地上。我拿出食物，喚它過來。它用它那約德爾唱腔式的悽慘叫聲迴應我，然後又跑回樹叢中去了。當時是2月，它又冷又餓，卻不願回家。最後，它似乎勉強着自己進了屋。但它之前爲什麼要離開家？

Three months later, I took the kids to New York City to visit friends. That night, I couldn’t reach Alex on the phone and felt something was wrong.

三個月後，我帶着孩子去紐約市看望朋友。那天晚上，因爲沒能通過電話聯繫到亞歷克斯，我感覺出事了。

It was. Alex had come home from work to find Addie dangling from Nina’s mouth, dead.

事實的確如此。亞歷克斯下班回家後發現阿迪被妮娜叼在嘴裏，已經死了。

Alex described the awful scene to me when he finally called back that night: Nina laid the cat down and looked at him as if to say, “Look what I did.” Gemma sat trembling, up on a chair, the other cats alive but hiding. The kitchen and living room were like a crime scene, the whole house imbued with violence and death.

那天夜裏，當亞歷克斯終於回我電話時，他向我描述了那可怕的一幕：妮娜把貓放下後看着他，似乎在說，“看看我做了什麼。”傑瑪臥在一張椅子上，不停地哆嗦。其他貓還活着，但都藏了起來。廚房和起居室像犯罪現場一樣，整棟房子都充滿了暴力和死亡的氣息。

A friend agreed to take Nina temporarily, and Alex arrived in the city, where we told the children that our beloved cat was dead, and that they would never see their puppy again. Grateful to be surrounded by friends, we tried to focus on the visit. But we knew we had to go home to an emptier house, having lost two once-loved family members, a scene of gruesome devastation.

一個朋友同意暫時帶走妮娜後，亞歷克斯也來到了紐約市。在那裏，我們告訴孩子們，心愛的貓咪死了，並且他們再也見不到小狗了。幸虧周圍有朋友陪伴，我們努力把精力集中在拜訪朋友這件事上。但我們知道，我們不得不回家，面對一棟比以前更空曠的房子。因爲失去了曾經喜愛的兩個家庭成員，那裏滿目瘡痍，有些陰森。

The hole left by Addie’s death was palpable. On my phone’s home screen, her face peered out at me, her light green eyes wide and questioning. Photos of Nina, too — her soulful expression and floppy ears — were on every device we used.

阿迪的死給我們的生活留下了一個很大的空洞。在我的手機主屏幕上，它還湊着小臉凝視着我，它綠色明亮的大眼睛裏充滿了好奇。妮娜的照片——她熱忱的表情和耷拉的耳朵——也都呈現在我們的每一部設備上。

As each blanket Nina had damaged was pulled from the shelf, my heart jolted with grief. The corner of my pillow had a jagged hole, feathers leaking from it as though it were a mangled bird. At dinner, a napkin unfolded held the very image of Nina’s jaws, a reminder of our missing dog and — in the same instant — of our sweet cat, Nina’s teeth around her throat.

當把妮娜弄壞了的所有毯子從架子上撤下來時，我的心裏充滿了悲傷。我枕頭的一個角上被弄出了個鋸齒狀的洞，羽絨從裏面往外鑽，就像一隻狼狽不堪的鳥。晚飯時，一張攤開的餐巾上留下了妮娜的牙印，提醒着我們，我們的狗狗走了，同時也失去了我們可愛的貓咪，而妮娜曾咬住它的喉嚨。

I felt enraged at the rescue woman, foster mother and trainer. Two family members had been taken from us in one horrifying act, one that would never have happened had we not kept Nina. But we had kept her. We took pity on her, and let ourselves believe that beneath her quirky, strange behavior resided a good dog. A friend who fosters animals for a local shelter, who has dogs and cats of her own, said to me, “Some dogs are just too damaged, or not right to begin with, and they’re just not adoptable.”

我對救援機構的那個女士、寄養媽媽和培訓師都感到怒不可遏。我們在一場可怕的事件中失去了兩個家庭成員，而如果我們沒有收養妮娜，這件事就不可能發生。但是我們那時終究收養了它。我們可憐它，並說服自己，儘管它的行爲古怪乖戾，本質還是一條好狗。我的一個朋友家裏寄養了當地一家收容所的動物，她自己也養了狗和貓。她對我說，“有些狗狗創傷太深，或者從一開始就不適合做寵物，它們不適合被收養。”

What she said helps, and I believe she’s right. On the outside, I appear detached, not wanting to discuss Nina, or what will happen to her (she is with another foster family, with little chance for adoption). But I have to admit that I feel terrible guilt and sadness about her.

她的話對我有所幫助，我相信她是對的。表面上看，我似乎很淡然，不想談論妮娜，也不想知道它未來會怎樣（它現在住在另一個寄養家庭，基本上沒有被領養的機會）。但我必須承認，我有很深的負罪感，我爲它感到極其難過。

Many months later, Alex and I are relaxing, watching a detective show, our one dog curled next to us. In this episode a family discovers that their older son has murdered their youngest son. It is a crime mixed up with family dysfunction and childish jealousy and also the horrible detachment of a boy not quite realizing what he has done. At the end, a policewoman asks the mother if she would like to see social services — to give up her son — because how can she live with her other child’s murderer? “No,” the mother says. “Who else will love him now?”

很多個月後的一天，亞歷克斯和我正在休息，看一部偵探劇，我們剩下的那隻狗蜷在旁邊。在那一集的劇情中，有一家人發現他們的大兒子殺害了家中的幼子。這樁罪案的原因包含了家庭功能失調、兒童的嫉妒，以及一個並沒有真正意識到自己做了什麼的男孩的可怕的疏離感。最後，一名女警察問這位母親，是否需要社會服務——也就是放棄這個兒子——因爲，她怎麼可能和謀殺了自己另一個兒子的人生活？“不，”這位母親說，“現在除了我們，誰還會愛他？”