首次約會時想去上廁所怎麼辦

想知道如何在約會時，或者更糟的是，在牀上時，去上廁所卻不失形象的妙訣嗎?這本新書教你突破約會中的最後一道禁忌。

When navigating the dating terrain, the potential minefields are endless. When do you make the first move? Is it too early to meet the parents?

談到約會，潛在的雷區真是無窮無盡。比如說，何時主動出擊?何時見家長合適?

But judging by the popularity of a new book, we're often preoccupied with explosive issues of a different kind. ‘How to Poo on a First Date’, has become an Amazon sensation, and is dedicated solely to issues of the heart and bowels.

但由於一本新書的流行我們可以判斷，人們常被各種爆炸性的問題困擾。《首次約會時想去上廁所怎麼辦》已成爲了亞馬遜圖書商城上的熱門話題，當然，這也是至關重要的問題。

The ￡5 dating bible, published by Prion, promises to solve all your toilet conundrums, from what to do if the urge arises at an awkward moment to how best to cover up any unromantic odours.

這本售價5英鎊的《約會寶典》可以解決約會時所有與上廁所有關的問題。從突然想上廁所尷尬時怎麼辦到如何掩蓋異味。

The authors, credited only as Mats and Enzo, spent five years researching this work of lavatory-related genius.

這本書的作者馬茨(Mats)和恩佐(Enzo)花了五年時間調查，最終總結出了與上廁所相關的智慧。

‘One of the secrets of seduction (and this goes as much for a first date as for the rest of the relationship) is to stay faultless at all times,’ the relationship scholars write in the book’s intro.

“吸引人的祕訣之一(不管是初次約會還是戀愛關係的其他時候)是保持完美”。人際關係學者在這本書的引文中寫道。

‘However, you are made of flesh and bone and this means that yes, sometimes you have to go to the loo.

“然而，每個人都是凡人，這就意味着，你總是會不時地需要去上廁所。”

'This vital human requirement remains strangely taboo in modern society, and it can ruin a blooming or well-established relationship in an instant.’

“奇怪的是，這個重要的人類需求卻仍然是現代社會人際交往的禁忌。它可能在頃刻間摧毀一段正在蓬勃發展或已然建立完善的情誼。

To illustrate the point the book kicks off with a cautionary tale. So confident in his relationship was Tom, a friend of the authors, that he started talking to his girlfriend with the toilet door open.

爲強調這一點，這本書以一個警示性故事爲開頭。作者的朋友湯姆(Tom)對他自己與女友的關係很有信心，因此他竟在上廁所時，不關廁所門，與女友交談。

Needless to say, Tom’s ‘monumental error of judgement’ means he's now single.

不用說，湯姆非常錯誤的判斷導致了他最終與女友分手。

‘We could no longer allow something as banal as going to the toilet to continue to destroy millions of perfectly good relationships,’ the authors explain, thus ‘How to Poo...’ was squeezed out between them.

“我們決不允許像上廁所這種芝麻綠豆的小事破壞上萬人的完美關係，”作者解釋說，因此“如何如廁”成爲一個橫梗於他們之間的問題。

The authors acknowledge that women are much more advanced in their toilet behaviour than men and have successfully perpetuated the myth that they never do number twos or let off wind.

作者承認女性有着比男性更好的上廁所的習慣，她們的成功祕訣是從不在約會時排便或是排出胃脹氣。

With that in mind Mats and Enzo have been chivalrous enough to write the part of the toilet perpetrator as a male throughout the 144-page guide. But they do point out that the gender is interchangeable in all examples.

“約會時如何排便”是約會中上廁所裏最爲棘手的問題，它成了亞馬遜上的熱門話題。馬茨和恩佐因此以男性爲例寫下了144頁的廁所指南。但他們指出，在所有例子中，性別都是可以轉換的。

The book, which is the third in the ‘How to Poo...’ trilogy, (hot on the heels of ‘How to Poo at Work’ and ‘How to Poo on Holiday’,) covers what to do if you need the loo in scenarios including a cocktail party, in a Gondola or on an aeroplane.

這本書是“如何排便”三部曲中的第三部，(緊跟着“工作中如何排便”“度假時如何排便”)它包括了在雞尾酒會、貢多拉(意大利一種特殊的水上工具)或飛機上等各種場景中，想上廁所時應該怎麼辦。

But if you’re hoping their five years of research has unearthed some game-changing advice, don’t cross your, erm, legs.

但如果你希望從他們五年的調查中獲得一些改變遊戲規則的建議，那就是，不要蹺二郎腿。

The book's advice on how to nip to the loo without alerting your date that you have any unsavoury biological requirements, is convoluted to say the least.

這本書提出的建議至少是很複雜的，它主要針對約會時如何不受上廁所等令人討厭的生理需求的影響。

If you have a pressing predicament while on an aeroplane for a romantic weekend away the advice reads as follows:

如果你在一個飛往週末度假之地的航班上突然想上廁所，建議是：

'Come closer to her [or him]. Slide one hand under the thigh and squeeze very strongly at the knee. The pain will make them scream and they will jump up in their seat.'

離她(他)近一些。將一隻手滑到大腿下，用力撞擊約會對象膝蓋。劇烈的疼痛會使他們尖叫，並從座位上一躍而起。

Still following? The idea is to then jump up with your date and spill as much of your meal as you can to give you the perfect alibi for needed a loo-stop.

然後呢?和你的約會對象一起跳起來，儘可能將食物或飲料灑出來，從而爲自己找一個需要去洗手間的好藉口。

At a cocktail party, the book suggests excusing oneself by using one of following: ‘I’ll just pop for a refill’,

這本書還建議，在雞尾酒會上，可以這樣說：“我得去續杯了。”

‘I’m going to pick up some petits fours’ or ‘Excuse me, I must have a word with...'

“我去取些小點心過來”或“抱歉，我想和……說說話。”

If you find your date in awkward position when the urge to 'left off steam' arises, don't panic -- simply turn to page 113 in your manual.

如果你發現你在約會時陷入一個糟糕的窘境——突然特別想去廁所該怎麼辦，別驚慌，翻到113頁，你會找到解決辦法。

And it’s at pains to point out that ensuring nobody sees you leaving the loo is as important as going incognito as you enter – a common mistake of the party poo-er.

這本書的作者還煞費苦心的指出，確保你去廁所時悄悄地回來與悄悄地離開是一樣重要的——這是很多人常常忽略的一點。

The advice goes from the sublime to the ridiculous when covering empty bog-roll emergencies, by suggesting one rips off wallpaper from behind the radiator.

這些建議千奇百怪，比如他建議當你上廁所發現沒有廁紙的時候，可以撕牆紙來擺脫窘境。

To overcome an unattractive odour? ‘Quickly find a bottle of perfume and spray yourself with it. Use generously. Find and embrace your date, holding them close to you. Let go only when the air is decontaminated.’

那麼如何擺脫難聞的氣味呢?“快速找一瓶香水噴在身上，大量地噴，然後找到你的約會對象，緊緊地抱住她，直到周圍的空氣不再有異味了再放開她。”

And what happens if at the critical moment ‘you feel the need to decorate the toilet in the worst possible way’? The authors suggest coming over all 50 Shades of Grey and ducking to the loo in the pretence of grabbing the paper for some fantasy loo-roll-play.

但在重要時刻，你想解大手時怎麼辦呢?作者建議儘量獲得可以充當廁紙的紙，如將手頭上的《____》快速翻完，撕下紙以備用，衝向廁所。

But in truth, the classic, 'I'm off to powder my nose,' would probably suffice.

但是事實上，經典的“我想去一趟洗手間”就可能讓人滿意了。

So could this new dating bible be the next Amazon number one? Judging by the frenzied interest, potentially, yes. But we think...

那麼這本新的約會聖經會成爲下一個居亞馬遜書單榜首的書嗎?在狂熱的利益驅動下，也許會的，但我們認爲……

it’s more like a number two.

它也許排第二位。