國內外毒舌女王大PK

憑藉《金星秀》中的“口無遮攔”迅速走紅的金星號稱“毒舌女王”，殊不知國外也有和金姐一樣犀利的“毒舌教母”瓊·裏弗斯（Joan Rivers），在這裏我們分別摘選了她們的十句名言，看看誰的毒舌功力更強。

*瓊·裏弗斯語錄*

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
我做了這麼多整容手術，等我死了以後他們可以把我的遺體捐給特百惠（家用塑料製品公司）。

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diaMonds on the floor.
我從不鍛鍊。如果上帝想讓我彎彎腰，那他必須在地上鋪滿鑽石。

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
時尚雜誌建議女人穿適合自己年齡的衣服。如果是這樣我豈不是要穿裹屍布。

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
我的產科醫師太蠢了，在我生孩子的時候他居然忘記剪斷臍帶。結果那個孩子足足跟了我一年，我走到哪她跟到哪，簡直像是牽了一條狗。

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
我希望我能有個雙胞胎姐妹，這樣我就能知道沒有整容的我是個什麼樣子。

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going.
我每一天都爲自己能活着而感恩，所有的器官都能正常運轉，我把這歸功於吃了很多加工食品。我認爲這都是防腐劑的功勞。

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
我的丈夫希望死後被火化。我告訴他我會把他的骨灰撒在尼曼商場，這樣我才能每天都去看他。

Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year. She got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote.
格溫妮絲•帕特洛居然被評爲最美女性，給她投票的一定是海倫•凱勒和史蒂夫•汪德。（兩個人都是盲人）

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
我的愛情生活就像一塊瑞士奶酪。大部分是空洞的，剩下的是臭的。

I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”
我對我的婆婆說：“我的房子就是你的房子。”我婆婆說：“滾出我的房子。”

*金星語錄*

等我女兒長大了，我會告訴她！如果一個男人心疼你擠公交，埋怨你不按時吃飯，一直提醒你少喝酒傷身體，陰雨天囑咐你下班回家注意安全，生病時發搞笑短信哄你……請不要理他！然後跟那個可以開車送你、生病陪你、吃飯帶你、下班接你的人在一起……嘴上說的再好不如干一件實事！我們都已經過了耳聽愛情的年紀。
When my daughter grows up, I will tell her this: If a man says he feels bad because you commute in a crowded bus, complains that you don’t have meals regularly, keeps reminding you that drinking too much is bad for health, tells you to be careful on your way home on a rainy day, sends funny messages to you when you are sick in ignore him! Stay with the man who drives you to work, accompanies you when you are sick, takes you to dinner, picks you up after work...A thousand sweet words are nothing against a real thing. We all have passed the age that takes words for love.

人要貴，衣服再貴沒有用。
Expensive clothes are useless if the person wearing them is not noble.

女人，該給你的都會給你，還沒給你的，等着。等待是一門學問。
Woman, everything meant for you will come to you. If they have not come, just wait. Waiting is a skill that is learned.

像咱們靠譜一點的端午節中秋節是好的，西方節日你那麼激動幹什麼，你看現在什麼都是節日了，煩不煩啊？什麼父親節，母親節，光棍節，平安夜，真是瞎折騰，孝敬你媽還分日子的啊？
Some festivals in our country, such as Dragon Boat Festival and Mid-Autumn Festival are good enough. Why are you so excited about western festivals? It is tiresome to have so many festivals—Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Singles’ Day, Silent h are indeed a waste of time and energy, who needs a special date to give presents to his/her mother?

一個女人，物質上不依賴你，精神上不依賴你，那麼請問你，要你幹什麼？對女人不要要求太高了。又美又會做飯的，那是美的電飯煲。又可愛又永遠不會老的，那是櫻桃小丸子。又經濟獨立又以你爲中心的，那是你媽。又美又可愛又會做飯又永遠不會老又經濟獨立又以你爲中心的，那是你媽正用着美的電飯煲給你煮櫻桃小丸子。
If a woman does not depend on you for material or emotional support, then why does she have you? Don’t be too demanding on women. Who can be beautiful and good at cooking? Midea electric cooker. Who can be cute and never grow old? Chibi Maruko. Who is economically independent and put you first? Your mum. And who is both beautiful and cute, good at cooking and never grow old, economically independent and put you first? It’s your mum using Midea electric cooker to stew Chibi Maruko for you.

人不犯我，我不犯人，人若犯我，禮讓三分，人若再犯，趕盡殺絕。
I will never attack others if they leave me alone. If other people attack me, I will respond with politeness. If they attack me again, I will chase them to the end of the world.

30歲的女人穿衣服不必重款式，要重視面料，30歲的女人要是沒有男人愛，那麼一定要找面料好的衣服來庇護自己。
A 30-something woman should care less about the style but care more about the fabric when she buys clothes. If a 30-something woman has no man to love her, at least she has clothes of good fabric to protect her.

高貴的女人看她的鞋。精緻的女人看她的指甲。性感的女人看她的香水。氣質的女人看她的手錶。拜金的女人看她的包包。感性的女人看她的文章。賢惠的女人看她的拿手菜。浪漫的女人看她的睡衣。小資的女人看她的化妝包……我看完發現我好像不是女人！趕緊掏出身份證一看，性別：女。心裏才踏實了些。太不容易了，一樣沒佔，活的還挺帶勁的！
Judging a noble woman by her shoes, an exquisite woman by her nails, a sexy woman by her perfume, an elegant woman by her watch, a money-worshipping woman by her bag, an emotional woman by her writings, a virtuous woman by her specialty dish, a romantic woman by her pajamas, a woman with petty bourgeoisie sentiments by her makeup bag…Upon reading this it suddenly dawns on me that I may not be a woman! I take out my identity card and it comforts me to see the gender is “woman”. It’s so rare for me to be a woman who is none of those and still live a great life!

慾望迅速膨脹，自我的內核卻越來越弱。我看得太多，很多所謂的名女人都是“國際物流”，背後就拖着幾大箱集裝箱，裏面什麼都沒有，就是“裝”着。她們被擡得很高，可是經不起晃。我只想踏踏實實地走，對真實的堅持會成爲我的保護傘。
As the desire swells rapidly, the inner self is weaker and weaker. I have seen too many famous women who are “international logistics” essentially. They are towed with a number of big containers, which are all empty but they pretend they are not. They are carried so high but cannot stand a little shaking. As for me, I want to walk on real ground, and protect myself by sticking to reality.

以前韓劇三寶車禍癌症治不好，現在是長腿歐巴愛洗澡。
The magic weapons of Korean TV series in the past are car crashes and cancer which is incurable, nowadays the magic weapons are handsome young man with long legs who enjoy bathing.