《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 28 (57):和David說再見大綱

Continuing with this unprecedented string of intimacies, my mother said, "You have to understand how little I was raised to expect that I deserved in life, honey. Remember—I come from a different time and place than you do."

接連這一連串前所未有的親密對談，我的母親繼續說道：“親愛的，你得了解，我成長的環境使我不去期待自己應當過什麼樣的日子。別忘了——我的成長時代與環境，和你不同。”

I closed my eyes and saw my mother, ten years old on the family farm in Minnesota, working like a hired hand, raising her younger brothers, wearing the clothes of her older sister, saving dimes to get herself out of there . . .

我閉上眼睛，看見的我母親十歲的時候待在明尼蘇達的家族農場，如僱傭似的勞動，養育她的弟弟們，穿她姐姐的舊衣裳，存錢讓自己離開那裏……

"And you have to understand how much I love your father," she concluded.

“你得了解，我很愛你父親。”她總結道。

My mother has made choices in her life, as we all must, and she is at peace with them. I can see her peace. She did not cop out on herself. The benefits of her choices are massive—a long, stable marriage to a man she still calls her best friend; a family that has extended now into grandchildren who adore her; a certainty in her own strength. Maybe some things were sacrificed, and my dad made his sacrifices, too—but who amongst us lives without sacrifice?

我母親做了她的人生抉擇，如同我們每個人，而她處之泰然。我看得見她的安詳。她並未給自己找藉口。她的抉擇有莫大的效益：和她依然稱作好友的男人，保持穩定長久的婚姻；受兒孫愛戴的大家庭；對自身力量的肯定。或許她犧牲了一些東西，而我父親也做出種種犧牲——然而我們當中有誰一生中不曾做過犧牲？

And the question now for me is, What are my choices to be? What do I believe that I deserve in this life? Where can I accept sacrifice, and where can I not? It has been so hard for me to imagine living a life without David in it. Even just to imagine that there will never be another road trip with my favorite traveling companion, that I will never again pull up at his curb with the windows down and Springsteen playing on the radio, a lifetime supply of banter and snacks between us, and an ocean destination looming down the highway. But how can I accept that bliss when it comes with this dark underside—bone-crushing isolation, corrosive insecurity, insidious resentment and, of course, the complete dismantling of self that inevitably occurs when David ceases to giveth, and commences to taketh away. I can't do it anymore. Something about my recent joy in Naples has made me certain that I not only can find happiness without David, but must. No matter how much I love him (and I do love him, in stupid excess), I have to say goodbye to this person now. And I have to make it stick.

對我來說，現在的問題是——我的抉擇是什麼？我相信這一生該過怎樣的生活？我何時願意、何時不願意犧牲？想象沒有大衛的生活，對我來說很不容易。即使只是想象跟我最愛的旅伴不再有另一次旅行，再也不能在路邊停下車來，搖下車窗，聆聽收音機上播放着的史普林斯汀（Springsteen），兩人之間擺着一輩子的玩笑和零食，公路盡頭的海洋終點若隱若現——都太困難了。然而我哪能享受這樣的歡樂，假使隨之而來的是潛藏的黑暗面——令人粉身碎骨的孤立，侵心的不安，隱藏的怨恨，以及每當大衛停止付出、開始遁走時，終要瓦解的自我。我再也走不下去。不久前在那不勒斯的快樂使我確信，沒有大衛，我不僅“能夠”、也“必須”找到快樂。無論我多麼愛他（我確實愛他，愛得過分發癡），我現在不得不向此人道別，而且必須堅持到底。

So I write him an e-mail.

於是我寫了封電子郵件給他。

It's November. We haven't had any communication since July. I'd asked him not to get in touch with me while I was traveling, knowing that my attachment to him was so strong it would be impossible for me to focus on my journey if I were also tracking his. But now I'm entering his life again with this e-mail.

這是11月的事。打從7月，我們就未再聯絡。我要他在我旅行期間不要與我聯繫，因爲我明白，假使與他聯繫，我對他的強烈愛戀將使自己無法專心旅行。可是現在，這封電子郵件讓我再次走入他的生活。

I tell him that I hope he's well, and I report that I am well. I make a few jokes. We always were good with the jokes. Then I explain that I think we need to put an end to this relationship for good. That maybe it's time to admit that it will never happen, that it should never happen. The note isn't overly dramatic. Lord knows we've had enough drama together already. I keep it short and simple. But there's one more thing I need to add. Holding my breath, I type, "If you want to look for another partner in your life, of course you have nothing but my blessings." My hands are shaking. I sign off with love, trying to keep as cheerful a tone as possible.

我跟他說希望他一切安好，我告知他我很好。我開了幾個玩笑，我們向來擅於開玩笑。接着我解釋說，我認爲我們應該永久結束這段關係。或許我們應該承認我們永遠不可能在一起，也不該在一起。這不是一封過分戲劇化的信件。天曉得我們已共同走過夠多的戲劇。我寫得很簡短。但還有件事我得加上去。我屏住氣，在鍵盤上打下：“你若想尋找生命中的另一個伴侶，我會全心祝福你。”我的手在發抖。我在信尾簽上“愛”，儘可能保持愉快的語氣。

I feel like I just got hit in the chest with a stick.

我覺得胸口像被棍子擊了一記。

I don't sleep much that night, imagining him reading my words. I run back to the Internet café a few times throughout the next day, looking for a response. I'm trying to ignore the part of me that is dying to find that he has replied: "COME BACK! DON'T GO! I'LL CHANGE!" I'm trying to disregard the girl in me who would happily drop this whole grand idea of traveling around the world in simple exchange for the keys to David's apartment. But around ten o'clock that night, I finally get my answer. A wonderfully written e-mail, of course. David always wrote wonderfully. He agrees that, yes, it's time we really said good-bye forever. He's been thinking along the same lines himself, he says. He couldn't be more gracious in his response, and he shares his own feelings of loss and regret with that high tenderness he was sometimes so achingly capable of reaching. He hopes that I know how much he adores me, beyond even his ability to find words to express it. "But we are not what the other one needs," he says. Still, he is certain that I will find great love in my life someday. He's sure of it. After all, he says, "beauty attracts beauty."

當晚我沒怎麼睡，想象他閱讀我的來信。隔天我來回跑了幾趟網吧，期待迴音。我試着忽視一部分自己渴望他回信說“ 回來吧！別走！我會改變！”我嘗試忽視自己心中的那個女孩，快樂地丟下這整個環遊世界的偉大主意，只爲換取大衛公寓的鑰匙。然而當晚十點鐘左右，我終於收到了回信。當然這是一封文筆很好的信。大衛向來有一手好文筆。他同意，是的，該是永遠告別的時候了。他自己也同樣想過這件事，他說。他的回覆婉轉和藹，分享自己的失落與感傷，帶着他時而得以達到的高度溫柔。他希望我知道他對我的愛慕，超乎語言所能表達。“然而我們並非彼此的需要。”他說。儘管如此，他確定有一天我會找到一生的摯愛，他確信無疑。他說，畢竟“美吸引美”。

Which is a lovely thing to say, truly. Which is just about the loveliest thing that the love of your life could ever possibly say, when he's not saying, "COME BACK! DON'T GO! I'LL CHANGE!"

這麼說真好。這是你的愛人所能跟你講的最好的話，即使他沒說：回來吧！別走！我會改變！

I sit there staring at the computer screen in silence for a long, sad time. It's all for the best, I know it is. I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises. I know all this. But still . . .

我坐在那兒盯着電腦屏幕，持續一段長而悲傷的時間。這是最好的結果，我明白。我選擇快樂，而非受苦。我曉得。我給未知的將來留下空間，讓自己的生命充滿即將來臨的驚喜。這些我都曉得。然而……

It's David. Lost to me now.

是大衛。我失去了他。