好文章賞析：5種原因導致你們感情破裂
摘錄:當我們正在焦慮又不耐煩地等發言機會時，大多數人都一口咬定自己正在傾聽。若我們持續這個狀態，那我們就並非真正地在傾聽：只是在拒絕內心的憤怒、焦躁、恐懼等等。
好文章賞析：5種原因導致你們感情破裂
I hope you'll excuse the pointed title, and I sincerely hope your relationship is not falling apart, but if you have ever found yourself in dire straits in a relationship (as we all do)， chances are that the trouble can be traced back to one or a few of these issues. If your relationship is all rainbows and sunshine dust, fantastic—this list will just be some good food for thought.
我由衷希望讀者能夠原諒這唐突的標題，也希望你們的感情並未破裂，但如果屬於你的這段關係正處於困境(我們所有人都會經歷)，你仍然可以抓住機會追溯其中的一個或數個同類問題來解決麻煩。可如果你的感情一片光明美好，妙極了---這些建議還能給你補充思想的能量。
You're not listening
你沒有用心聽
I'm not talking about you being glued to the TV while your partner is pouring his/her heart out. If that's the case, it should be pretty obvious there is a problem.
我並不是說當你的伴侶在訴說衷腸時，你卻一頭扎進電視裏。如果真是這樣，那問題就再明顯不過了。
Many of us believe we are listening when what we're actually doing is anxiously and impatiently waiting for our turn to speak. When we “listen” from this perspective, we are not truly listening: we are resisting the anger, despair, anxiety, fear etc. inside of us.
當我們正在焦慮又不耐煩地等發言機會時，大多數人都一口咬定自己正在傾聽。若我們持續這個狀態，那我們就並非真正地在傾聽：只是在拒絕內心的憤怒、焦躁、恐懼等等。
True listening requires awareness of what is going on inside. Only when we are conscious of our inner-workings can we truly hear another person.
真正的傾聽包括懂得內心所發生的一切。只有當我們瞭解了內心所想後，才能聽見他人的聲音。
The next time you find yourself listening to your partner, whether in an argument or otherwise, see if you can notice what you're feeling and thinking in response without having to speak immediately. See if you can allow your significant other to really be heard. Then, Accept what's going on inside you, no matter what the thought or emotion. From there you can speak with rational and relative calm, which brings me to my next point.
無論是爭吵還是其他事情，當下回你發現自己在傾聽對方的時候，問自己是否察覺到了自己的所想所感，而不要急着去爭辯。看自己是否真的能聽見另一半的心聲。然後，無論是出自怎樣的想法和情緒，都要接受內心的自我。這樣一來你就可以相對理性地回答對方，接着就是我給讀者的下一個建議。
You're not speaking up
你沒有大聲說出來
Many of us carry around little hurts and grudges all our lives. Often, we believe that acknowledging the pain is generally more trouble than it's worth, and while it may seem like that in the moment, over the years those little indignities pile on top of each other and morph into a mound of resentment. And that is dangerous.
很多人一生中都會揹負着傷害和怨恨過活。通常，我們都相信承認痛苦其實比痛苦本身更讓人難受，然而傷害日久彌新，年復一年地，曾經對方的侮辱和傷害會堆積成深刻的怨恨。那樣就危險了。
Perhaps there's something that really bothers you about your partner. Why aren't you saying anything? Are you afraid they'll get upset? So what if they do? Maybe they'll throw a tantrum. Maybe they'll apologize. Who knows? Would you rather try to deal with it constructively now, or bury it and wait for it to explode out of you in a fit of rage? Let it be a learning process regardless of the outcome. You will thank yourself down the road.
也許對方真的做了激怒你的事。可爲什麼你不說出來呢?是怕讓他們失望嗎?還是怕他們會做出格的事?他們可能會大發雷霆，也可能會向你道歉。誰知道呢?你是打算積極地處理這個問題，還是讓問題深埋心底直到讓憤怒徹底爆發出來?無論結果如何，都要讓它成爲學習的過程。這樣你將會在學習的過程中感謝自己。
As with listening, look inward. Accept what is there. If there is something that needs to be said, then say it. Understand that this does not mean verbally attack the other person. Calmly state what you're experiencing in the moment, and don't let it devolve into accusations, which takes us to number 3.
一邊傾聽，一邊審視自我。接受真實的自己。如果有需要說出來的話，就說出來。要明白說實話並不意味着對對方進行語言攻擊。心平氣和地表達你當時的體會，不要演變成指責，接着我們看第三條建議。
You're playing the blame game
你在玩責備遊戲
We often think, “if only he/she were this way, everything would be fine.” When we think this way, we are imposing an impossible ideal on our partners and we are avoiding the issue at hand: what is going on inside of us, the individual; the one who casts blame.
我們時常會想，“如果他/她這樣做的話，一切都會好的。”當我們以這種方式考慮問題時，其實是在異想天開地把自己的思想強加給對方，並且還在逃避眼前的問題：我們指責時，個人內心發生了什麼?
Remember, your significant other is not you. They are a complex being with their own thoughts, insecurities, dreams, and fears… just like you. Do not be so quick to eschew responsibility.
記住，你的另一半並不是你。他們很複雜，跟你一樣有自己的想法，有自己的不安，有自己的理想，有自己的恐懼……你不要這麼快就放棄那份責任。
When you start to blame mentally or verbally, ask yourself if you are avoiding responsibility. Ask yourself if you are being unreasonable. Be honest. Then, if neither of these gels, don't be afraid to speak up, and then be prepared to listen. Then, you're on your way to constructive conversation, unless you fall into the next category.
當你準備在精神或語言上進行責備時，誠實面對自我，問問自己是否在逃避責任，是否在無理取鬧。如果，兩者都不是的話，就勇敢地說出來，然後做好傾聽的準備。接下來就是用你獨具建設性的方式開始對話，除非你陷入了下面的泥淖裏。
You won't compromise
你不願妥協
This usually occurs in a relationship wherein one or both parties always think they are right. “My way or the highway” won't fly in a relationship these days (not that it ever really did)。
當雙方都認爲自己是對的，通常就會發生這種情況。現在“我行我素”在感情中已經不適用了(也從來沒有發揮過作用)。
If you believe you are always right, then you never allow for someone else's opinion or perspective to enter your mind. You label it preposterous before taking the time to examine it. As such, learning to compromise is a direct result of true listening, speaking, and side-stepping the blame game.
如果你堅信自己永遠是正確的，那你就不可能讓別人的意見或觀點進入你的思想。因爲還沒有經過思考，你就已經給它貼上了荒謬的標籤。如此一來，學會妥協是真正傾聽、表達內心和避免指責遊戲的直接結果。
When we learn to listen and speak without fear, then we can develop a real understanding of our own needs as well as the needs of our partner. What follows is mutually beneficial compromise. We learn to live with or without some things for the sake of our relationship, and our partners learn to do the same. In turn, both people feel loved and valued.
當我們懂得了傾聽和無所畏懼地表達，那我們就可以建立真正所需要的理解，正如我們的伴侶所需要的一樣。妥協的結果只會得益於雙方。爲了感情着想，我們學會了有所放棄，有所保留，而我們的另一半同樣也在學習。如此，雙方都會感到被愛和自我價值。
Listening, speaking, not blaming, compromising; sounds easy, right? So why don't we just DO these things? The answer rests with number five.
傾聽，表達，寬恕，妥協;聽起來容易，對吧?那爲什麼不付諸行動呢?答案在第五條中揭曉。
You're not present
你不存在
Once again, I do not mean physically. This is the line that ties all of the prior items together. Presence is complete awareness, or consciousness—if you do not find at least some amount of presence, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, and avoid the blame game.
再次說明我並不是指物理上的不存在。此處將前面的幾點都聯繫在一起了。存在是一種透徹的感知和意識---如果你找不到一丁點的存在，那就不可能去傾聽，表達，妥協或避免指責遊戲。
You may have noticed that the suggestions for dealing with each point thus far have been to look inward, see, and accept. THAT is presence: learning how to be with yourself, see the cogs turning, embrace what's there, and thereby put space around destructive thought and feeling.
也許你已經發現了每條處理問題的建議都是先審視內心，仔細洞察然後再接受。那就是存在：你看得見齒輪的轉動，會擁抱周圍的事物，能給糟糕的想法和情緒留點餘地。
The idea is that you must first attend to yourself before you can effectively communicate with or help another person. When we learn to cultivate awareness, we are laying the groundwork to deal with all of the aforementioned issues. Not only that, but difficulties in a relationship can be a gold-mine for this type of work.
最好的辦法就是你必須先要了解自己，然後纔能有效地跟別人交流或幫助別人。當我們學會了培養意識，就是在爲處理上述問題打基礎。不僅如此，每段感情中的困難還是我們在解決此類問題的金礦。
One of the best ways to practice being present is meditation. I recommend it to all, however, if you're not interested in that, or it's not possible for you, this can be as simple as a few or multiple “breath check-ins” a day. All you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire. See if you can put all of your attention on the breath, and see what arises. Don't judge or resist your inner-workings. Simply accept. Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to become a great habit. This way, when you are in the thick of some painful experience with your significant other, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, disperse the urge to blame, and learn to compromise.
練習找存在的最好方式之一就是冥想。我已經向大家推薦了，但如果你們沒興趣的話，可能就不適合，可以儘量簡化爲一天做幾次或多次的“呼吸檢查”。你所需要做的就是靜坐，想坐多久就坐多久。看你是否能將精力集中在呼吸上，再看看想到了什麼。不要做出判斷，也不要牴觸你的想法。只要簡單地接受。照這樣一天練習幾次，冥想漸漸地就會成爲一個很棒的習慣。這樣一來，每當你跟另一半極度不愉悅的時候，你就會找到那種存在並且會帶着耐心去傾聽，也不會有批判的傾向，你能夠清晰地表達，你指責的衝動會得到分散，並且還懂得了妥協。
