最有腔調的“老闆辦公桌”

You know how it goes. There you are, flipping through the pages of the office stationery catalogue wondering whether the administrative budget will stretch to a six-pack of Pilot V5 Hi-Tecpoint Rollerball (extra fine), when your mind is violently distracted by a strange and curious temptation towards the back of the book: the Habisphere Lifestyle Desktop Terrarium.

這一幕想必各位都很熟悉。你拿起一本辦公用品目錄飛快地翻看，盤算着行政預算還夠不夠湊一盒6支裝的百樂(Pilot)牌V5 Hi-Tecpoint中性筆（要特細的）。莫名一陣強烈的好奇感涌上心頭，你直接跳到了目錄的背面：一臺辦公桌玻璃生態缸。

Never mind the feint-ruled yellow notebooks and lever-arch files. You require a more potent symbol to accessorise your office. Something that reflects your appetite for the battle — your fearsomeness in the face of adversity, your quiet stealth. What you need, is this very terrarium and a lethally poisonous arachnid to house within it?.?.?.

別再想着那些淡格線的黃紙記事本和檔案夾了。你需要一樣更有震懾力的象徵性擺件來裝點你的辦公桌。它要能體現你對戰鬥的渴望——面對逆境你仍然威嚴懾人，悄然伏擊。你需要的正是這個生態缸，裏面再養上一隻劇毒的蜘蛛……

Or something like that.

其他類似的東西也行。

One can only imagine the internal dialogue that persuaded the former chief whip — now defence minister — Gavin Williamson to raise a tarantula while tending to the ministries of government. Presumably he thought it would act as an appropriate and possibly humorous metaphor. Or at least keep people away. After all, few things say “I’m a colossal weirdo” like a colleague who keeps a pet spider named after the Greek god Cronos, the all-devouring King of the Titans, next to his computer mouse.

至於英國國防大臣、前保守黨黨鞭加文?威廉姆森(Gavin Williamson)的內心究竟發生過何種鬥爭，會讓他帶着一隻狼蛛服務於政府各個部門，大家就不得而知了。也許，他認爲這看起來像一個貼切、可能還很幽默的隱喻，至少能讓人保持距離。畢竟，如果有個同事在鼠標旁邊養上一隻寵物蜘蛛，還給它起名爲希臘神話中的諸界吞噬泰坦神——克羅諾斯(Cronos)，還有比這更能顯示“我是一個超級怪人”的嗎。

Williamson’s decision to share his workspace with a creature poised to asphyxiate its enemies with a lethal venom might act as a handy shorthand for a don’t-mess-with-me attitude. But his acquisition of such a bald accoutrement of power seems a bit Dr No in its ambition, far too flamboyant to be genuinely representative of real authority. While possession of an office pet does usually signify an elevated status, there are subtler ways in which to signal one’s superiority.

威廉姆森決定在辦公室飼養這種會發射致命毒液，可讓對手中毒窒息的狼蛛，或許是想隱晦地傳遞出一種“別惹我”的態度。但他選擇這樣一種張牙舞爪的生物，看上去反倒有點像野心勃勃的諾博士(Dr No)，過於浮誇，反而不能真正體現實際權威。儘管在辦公室裏養寵物通常確實會彰顯自己高人一等，但有很多更加巧妙的辦法來體現地位的尊貴。

To convey power with one’s desk space is a fine and nuanced art — especially in the modern office, where open-plan desk spaces are the norm, and the spectre of hot-desking is becoming a daily reality. My desk, for example, may currently showcase a bottle of dog shampoo, petrifying ball of rubber bands, expired orchid plant and 25 plastic Pret A Manger spoons, but look behind the perfume bottles and you’ll see a tasty black and white postcard print of myself and the Louis Vuitton designer Nicolas Ghesquière, a customised thank-you note from Dolce & Gabbana and a card from Tom Ford. (Who sent the orchid.)

通過辦公桌來展露權力是一門高雅精細的藝術——尤其是在現代辦公室，一般都是開放式辦公桌，人們都開始擔心會發展到輪用辦公桌了。就拿我的桌子來說吧。你在上面可以找到一瓶小狗用的洗髮水，一團亂如麻的橡皮筋，一盆枯萎的蘭花，還有25把Pret A Manger家的塑料勺。但越過那堆香水瓶，你可以看到一張格調高雅、印有我與路易威登(Louis Vuitton)設計師尼古拉?蓋斯基埃(Nicolas Ghesquière)合影的黑白明信片，一張杜嘉班納(Dolce & Gabbana)專門寫給我的致謝函，還有一張來自Tom Ford的賀卡（正是他送我的蘭花）。

Communicating one’s impressiveness should be whittled down to a few talismanic details. Obviously, any self-respecting leader must first acquire an ergonomically designed lumbar-supporting chair. The chair should be larger and wider than anyone else’s, cost several thousand pounds, and be positioned in such a way that anyone else who sits in it will find it unbearably uncomfortable.

想要令人敬畏，應該化繁爲簡，露出幾處護身符般的細節即可。顯然，所有典型的老闆都必須首先配一把符合人體工學、能託腰的椅子。這把椅子要比其他任何人的都高大寬敞，沒有幾千英鎊買不下來。擺放角度要精準拿捏，除了老闆，其他任何人坐上去都會渾身不自在。

Desktop accessories, meanwhile, should be displayed as artlessly as possible. To make a lasting impact, one’s authority should be slowly insinuated rather than thrust in others’ faces. Save the silver-plated snapshots of yourself negotiating world peace with the leaders of the free world for your bathroom, and litter the desk instead with cryptic souvenirs: a loveworn softball signed by a much admired statesman should roll aimlessly about the table top. That note reminding you to return David Attenborough’s phone call should be casually tacked to the phone. A stack of handwritten notes from the leaders of your industry thanking you for your “kind words” and shared wisdoms should be collecting in a clearly visible yet insouciant pile.

此外，桌上物品的擺放應儘可能地自然。應慢慢地、一步步展露權威，而不是一股腦都亮出來，這樣纔能有持久效應。那些你與自由世界領導人商討世界和平的鑲銀框照片還是留到衛生間掛吧。桌子上應該隨意散放一些令人不明所以的紀念品：一個把玩得有些泛舊的壘球，上面有某位備受愛戴的政治家的簽名，就那麼無目的地在桌上亂滾。提醒你別忘回電戴維?阿滕伯勒（David Attenborough，著名BBC紀錄片導演——譯者注）的便籤就那麼隨意粘在電話上。還要在顯眼的地方，漫不經心地摞上一沓你所在行業領袖的手寫信，感謝你的“溢美之詞”和分享的經驗。

Obviously, a few copies of your latest book should be loitering about the place. Only a few, though. You mustn’t give the impression of having written a book that no one wants to buy. You should also make sure to furnish yourself with a copy of whatever is currently stimulating an entirely different field of industry than your own — to demonstrate your breadth of interest and towering intellect.

顯然，桌上還要丟上幾本你自己最新的著作。但只能放幾本，決不能給人一種你寫的書沒人想買的印象。別忘了還要配一本另一個截然不同領域的前沿著作，以顯示自己興趣廣泛，才智非凡。

Fleeting insights into your former glories should also be conspicuous. A yellowing press cutting detailing an early-life triumph, like your success as a rowing blue or world Sudoku champion, are all excellent materials for display. Ideally this information should be accompanied by an image of you looking excruciatingly geeky. You may have achieved the highest placing in the world’s 400m hurdles championship, but you’re not vain.

此外，還要在顯眼處擺些什麼，能讓人一窺你往日的輝煌。可以是一塊泛黃的簡報，詳細記敘你早年的某項成就，例如在劍橋或牛津大學賽艇隊期間取得的一場勝利，或世界數獨大賽冠軍。這些都是絕佳的展示材料。最好你本人形象是那種看上去無聊透頂的極客，這樣的反差纔有力。就算曾拿過世界400米欄錦標賽冠軍，你也從不自命不凡。

Women, especially, will do much to convince others of their unassailable magnificence with a crude illustration or birthday message from a small dependent. Screensavers of your family safari holiday to Botswana are unacceptable — too showy. Ideally the note should be small and say something like “Mummy, you work an 80-hour week and we’re so proud of you”. If this is not forthcoming, then you should at least be rendered in a superhero’s cape.

女性尤其會想盡辦法，用小孩子的一張簡筆畫或生日賀卡，讓其他人相信自己不容置疑的卓越。用一家人去博茨瓦納度假狩獵的照片當屏保是不可接受的，那太炫耀了。卡片最好很小，寫着“媽咪，你每週工作80小時，我們真爲你驕傲”。如果不好實現，那至少應該畫個你身披超人斗篷的畫。

But the absolute masters and mistresses of the workplace are those who reveal much by revealing almost nothing at all. By far the most impressive and influential colleague I worked with was also one of the most stubbornly inscrutable. As such, he acquired an intriguing mythology among us. Who was he really? Where did he go each night? Was he actually a foreign spy?

但職場的終極大老闆們都是震懾人於無形之中的。最讓我難忘、最有影響力的同事，同時也是最神祕莫測的一位。他在我們心中是謎一般的存在。他到底是誰？每天晚上都去哪兒了？他真的是外國間諜嗎？

Tucked away in the corner of his desk he kept a blurry snapshot in a tiny frame. One day, when he went on one of his daily wanders to who knows where, we snuck over for closer inspection only to discover it was a picture of him — wrestling a bear. Take that, incey wincey.

他的桌角藏着一張模糊的相片，裝在一個小小的相框裏。一天，當他例行去某處溜達時（他每天要消失好幾趟），我們悄悄地溜過去一探究竟。照片上是他本人——在和熊搏鬥。學着點吧，小朋友們。