一些與伴侶增進感情的小祕訣大綱

When Tomi Tuel's husband comes home from a business trip, she grills him a steak and mixes up a Mudslide cocktail, bakes a cake and hangs party streamers from the fan over the kitchen table. Once after an especially long trip, she and the children dressed up the dog -- in a tutu, reindeer ears and a sign around its neck that read: 'Welcome home, Dad!'

當多美·托爾(Tomi Tuel)的丈夫結束出差回到家後，多美給他煎了牛排、調了一杯香濃絲滑的雞尾酒、烤了一塊蛋糕，還在廚房餐桌上方的風扇上掛了許多聚會綵帶。每次多美的丈夫長期出差後回家，她和孩子們都會將寵物狗盛裝打扮一番——給它穿上芭蕾舞裙、戴上麋鹿角，再在它的脖子上掛上一塊寫有“歡迎回家，老爸！”的牌子。

'He thanked and thanked me,' says Ms. Tuel, 48, who lives in Folsom, Calif., and is a state budget analyst. 'He was just gushing.'

托爾女士稱：“我丈夫不止一次向我表達了謝意。”現在48歲的托爾女士居住在加利福尼亞州的福爾瑟姆(Folsom)，她是一位州預算分析員。

Do you go out of your way to show your spouse you care?

你會不厭其煩地向伴侶表示關心嗎？

You should. Experts say a common cause of divorce is the feeling of being unappreciated by one's spouse. It is a problem that sneaks up on a relationship. Couples expect that having children or financial difficulties will put a strain on their relationship. Yet they are often unprepared for the sadness and resentment that result from feeling ignored or taken for granted by their partner.

你應該這樣做。專家表示，離婚的一個常見原因就是感受不到來自伴侶的感激。這一問題會慢慢吞噬一段感情。伴侶們認爲，新生命誕生或者財務困難纔會給他們的關係帶來壓力。然而，他們卻往往會被由伴侶的忽視和熟視無睹導致的傷心和不滿搞得措手不及。

Now here's the good news: Studies show that demonstrating appreciation for your partner not only makes the other person feel better, it makes you feel better, too.

現在好消息來了：有研究顯示，向你的伴侶表達感激之情不僅可以讓你的另一半感覺更好，也會讓你感覺更好。

One of the best ways to show your spouse you really care is to go out of your way to celebrate good things that happen to him or her. Think of it as leveraging the positive. Researchers call it 'capitalization' and say it is just as important -- and maybe more so -- than being supportive in tough times.

向伴侶表達發自內心的感激之情的最好方式就是不遺餘力地爲他/她慶祝髮生在他/她身上的好事情。請把這種慶祝活動視爲提升積極影響的方式。研究人員將其稱爲“資本化”，研究人員稱，“資本化”的重要性與在患難時給予支持一樣，或者還更重要些。

Researchers found people whose spouses were supportive when things were going right believed the partners also would be helpful if things should go wrong. The research was published in 2012 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 'Just the perception that there would be support during bad times increased their emotional intimacy, trust and marital satisfaction,' says Shelly Gable, professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and a co-author on the study.

研究人員發現，那些在順遂的日子獲得了來自伴侶支持的人普遍相信，他們的伴侶在患難時也能對他們鼎力支持。該研究於2012年發表於《個性與社會心理學雜誌》(Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)。加州大學 塔芭芭拉分校(University of California, Santa Barbara)的心理學和大腦科學教授、該研究的合着者謝利·蓋布爾(Shelly Gable)表示：“單單是這種患難時期會得到支持的信念就能增進伴侶間的親密關係、信任和對婚姻的滿意度。

Another big plus: It's a lot easier to celebrate good times than to support someone through bad times. While it's important to be there for a partner when he or she is under stress, research shows there are challenges, too. You may not know what kind of help your spouse truly needs. Your support may make your partner feel vulnerable or indebted and focus more attention on the problem. And even when you succeed in giving support, you are bringing your partner's mood up to baseline, not necessarily making him or her happy.

感恩計劃很多夫妻都是等危機到來之時纔會向伴侶表示支持併爲增進雙方的關係而做努力。治療專家建議，夫妻應該在關係順遂的日子裏就通過向對方表達感激而提升積極的生活體驗。一種特別的形式叫做“資本化”，即大力慶祝伴侶的成功和成就。

And finally: 'Positive events occur more often than negative events,' Dr. Gable says. 'So there are a lot more opportunities.'

每天……爲妻子奉上牀邊咖啡。在廚房裏儲存好他最喜歡的零食。在她的梳妝檯上貼一張愛的便籤。

Dr. Gable counts four possible responses to a partner's good news. You can ignore it or turn the subject back to yourself. Your spouse tells you she got a raise, and you respond with, 'What's for dinner?' or 'Wait until you hear what happened to me today.' Researchers call this a 'passive destructive' response.

每月……將他的車開出去清洗並加滿油。用特別晚餐迎接她下班。寄給他一張感謝卡片。

An 'active destructive' response would be if you aggressively worked to dampen your spouse's enthusiasm. 'You got a raise? Doesn't that mean you will have to work a lot more?' Or 'how will you handle the stress?'

在特別的日子裏……減肥計劃奏效了—他的牛仔褲又合身了！請他吃附近最美味的沙拉。她的勤奮工作得到了老闆的賞識。向家裏人吹噓自己的妻子—在她聽得見的時候。在看電影的時候，他向你耳語了一則極其好笑的評論。告訴他，“你是我認識的最有趣的人。”另一個好處是：與支持某人走過患難之時相比，慶祝歡樂時光顯然容易得多。雖然當伴侶面臨壓力之時對其支持非常重要，但是研究顯示，這樣做也面臨着一些挑戰。你可能無法知道哪種幫助是你的伴侶真正需要的。你的支持或許會讓你的伴侶感覺到脆弱或者負罪，並且更加關注現有的問題。即使當你成功地給予了支持後，你可以令伴侶的心情平復，但並不一定會使他/她更快樂。

You could be polite but show little interest -- the 'passive positive' response. 'That's nice, dear. What would you like for dinner?'

最後，蓋布爾稱：“積極事件出現的頻率遠遠高於消極事件”。“因此，機會也多得多。”

None of these will do your relationship any favors. The correct response -- if you want to help your marriage now and down the road, research shows -- is 'active constructive,' where you display enthusiasm. Be a thoughtful listener. Ask questions. Be interested and excited. And to show you really understand your spouse, point out why the news is important. 'I know how hard you worked to earn this promotion. You'll be a great leader. Let's go to dinner to celebrate.' Studies show this type of response increases all three positive outcomes -- emotional intimacy, trust and marital satisfaction -- for both partners.

蓋布爾將對伴侶好消息的反應劃分爲四種。你可以忽視伴侶的好消息或者將話題轉回到自己身上。比如，當你的伴侶告訴你她獲得了加薪後，你答覆她“晚餐吃什麼？”或“等會兒聽聽今天發生在我身上的事情吧。”研究人員將此稱作“被動破壞型”迴應。

In addition to celebrating good times, experts say, it is essential to show appreciation to your spouse regularly, as in every day. 'You need to participate in relationships to keep them alive,' Dr. Gable says.

“主動破壞型”迴應是那種你主動打消伴侶熱情的行爲。“你得到了加薪？難道這不意味着你的工作量增加了很多嗎？”或者“那你要怎樣應對由此帶來的壓力呢？”

While reporting this column, I asked people how they show their spouse they care. I heard from husbands who bring their wives coffee in bed, warm up the car on cold mornings and save her the last piece of chocolate. There are wives who make breakfast for their husbands every morning and brag to friends, within his earshot, about what a great husband he is.

你還可能以一種很禮貌但不太關心的方式迴應—即“被動積極型”的迴應。“真不錯，親愛的，你晚餐想吃點什麼啊？”

Research shows these little gestures have a powerful effect on a relationship. They promote commitment. 'Being appreciative of your partner makes you want to hold on to your relationship,' says Amie Gordon, a postdoctoral scholar at the Institute of Personality and Social Research at the University of California, Berkeley, who studies gratitude in relationships. 'It helps you realize you have something great.' When one spouse shows appreciation, she says, it can start a cycle that makes the other spouse more appreciative and committed, too.

上述幾種迴應方式都不能給你的感情帶來任何益處。研究顯示，無論現在或者將來，如果你想要婚姻越來越甜蜜，那麼正確的迴應方式應該是“主動積極型”，即展現出自己的熱情。做一名體貼的聆聽者。提出問題。表現出你的興趣和熱情。顯示出你對伴侶真切的理解，指出爲什麼他/她的好消息如此重要。“我知道爲了得到這次晉升，你付出了很多努力。你會成爲一名出色的領導者。讓我們出去吃晚餐來慶祝一下吧。”研究顯示，這種迴應方式可以增進三個方面的積極效果—親密關係、信任和對婚姻的滿意度—對伴侶雙方都是如此。

Still, there's a hidden and surprising danger in showing appreciation for your spouse. Do it too often and it might lose its positive impact. 'Appreciation is tied up with expectations,' Dr. Gordon says. 'The more you expect something, the less you appreciate it.' Her advice: Change it up. Bring your beloved coffee one morning; make a nightcap another day.

專家表示，除了慶祝歡樂時光之外，定期—比如每天—向伴侶表示感謝也至關重要。蓋布爾稱：“爲了讓兩人的關係歷久彌新，你需要努力地經營它。”

And what if you are the one who needs the extra love? 'If you want to see good behavior, model it,' says Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York and Boca Raton, Fla. 'You need to set the standard you want to receive.'

當寫作這篇專欄文章時，我向一些人詢問了他們向伴侶表達關心的方法。我聽到有些丈夫會爲他們的妻子奉上牀邊咖啡、在寒冷的早晨幫她們熱車並且把最後一塊巧克力留給她們。而這些妻子則是那些每天早晨爲丈夫準備早餐，向朋友們吹噓自己的丈夫有多棒（並且讓丈夫聽到）的人。

To avoid feeling self-conscious, start each day with one small act of generosity, Dr. Hokemeyer says. Make the bed for her. Tuck a love note in his suitcase before a business trip. Mail a card or handwritten note to your spouse at home.

研究顯示，這些小舉動對感情具有重大影響。它們能夠提升忠誠度。加州大學伯克利分校(University of California, Berkeley)人格和社會研究所(Institute of Personality and Social Research)的博士後埃米·戈登(Amie Gordon)表示：“對伴侶心懷感激會使你努力維繫感情。”戈登曾對伴侶關係中的感激之情進行過研究。她稱：“這些小舉動有助於你認識到自己擁有的寶貴財富。”她還稱，當伴侶中的一方表達感激之情時，良性循環會由此開啓，伴侶中的另一方也會更加感恩、更加忠誠。

Keep up your efforts for 30 days, Dr. Hokemeyer says. Hopefully, by then your spouse will notice and reciprocate. If that doesn't happen, it's time for a conversation.

然而，當你向伴侶表達感激之情時，有一個隱祕且意外的風險也同時存在着。太頻繁地表達感激之情可能或失去其積極的影響。戈登稱：“感激是與期望緊密相聯的。你越是期待某件事情，你對它的感激之情就越不強烈。”她的建議是：做些調整。爲你的愛人在某天清早端上一杯咖啡；在另一天端上一杯睡前飲品。

One year, Leon Lewandowski, a third-grade teacher in Santa Barbara, Calif., and his wife, Mary, created an 'appreciation box.' They kept a shoebox on the living room mantel with slips of paper and a pen alongside it. During the week, when they each noticed and appreciated something nice the other had done, they wrote it down and slipped the note into the box. 'Thanks for letting me sleep in on Saturday morning.' 'You made me laugh so hard.' 'Your haircut makes you look great.'

如果你是那個需要額外關愛的人怎麼辦？在紐約和佛羅里達州博卡拉頓執業的註冊婚姻家庭治療師保羅·霍克邁爾(Paul Hokemeyer)表示：“如果你期待某種良好行爲，那麼請你率先做到。”“你需要爲自己想要得到的關係設立標準。”

On Sunday night, after the children went to sleep, the two sat down, opened the box and read the appreciation slips out loud. Sometimes the notes would lead to further explanation, stories about that day or even more compliments. Always, they made the spouses feel good. 'We looked forward to this time each week,' Mr. Baxter says.

霍克邁爾表示，爲了避免尷尬，你可以每天從一件體貼的小事情做起。爲妻子鋪牀。在丈夫出差前，在他的行李箱裏塞進愛的便籤。向家中的地址給伴侶郵寄一張卡片或手寫的便籤。 霍克邁爾表示，堅持努力30天。希望到時你的伴侶會注意到這些變化並回報給你同樣的體貼。如果他/她沒有這麼做，那麼是時候好好談談了。